Want a little honesty?

Yes, I realize it's the middle of January, and yes, my last post was the 1st of January. 

We had gone up to Denver for a nice visit with my niece and her family on the 2nd.  We had a great day.  Kim got me aside and said how well husband seemed to be responding to her.  I was surprised too, but, glad he was enjoying himself.

The next day he woke up and stated hallucinating, not bad hallucinations, but, completely out of touch.  After 6 days of this non stop, he seemed to come out of it, but, now, is more quiet, still hallucinating some moments, then back to his reality, then slips back again.  All day, every day.

Fun.

We have an appointment at Memorial Neurology Clinic on the 4th of Feb.  Going to check them out, and, if I feel more comfortable there, then, I will switch him. 

Husband, I feel, needs stronger, more effective medicine, especially at night, to help him sleep. 

Unfortunately, his Neurologist would do nothing when I called.  So, I called Dr A in Albuquerque who called me back and agreed with me that he does in fact, need a stronger drug to help in these end days.  Luckily, he referred me to Memorial and I can't wait to meet this Dr.  I hear it's a good place to go.

Hey, I'm not looking for a cure, as the other Neurologist suggested, I just want him to be more relaxed, drugged, if you will, to keep him calm.

I never believed in taking or giving high powered drugs.  It was just never my style.  That was before Alzheimer's came to live in my house.  Now?  Bring it on.

Basically,  that's it to date.  Husband woke early, was talking about how "Santa Fe would work".  I have no idea what he's talking about.  I coaxed him back to bed where he's sleeping now.

I'm taking it like a trooper, but, I'm tired of taking it like a trooper.  Enough.

I know a lot of you are praying for us.  Thank you.  Now, my prayer request is let him go.  It's time.

You know it's bad when, every morning when I wake up, I go to his bed and find him still breathing.

And, every morning, when I find him still breathing, I shed a tear and ask God to take him.  He's suffered enough. 

Hey, you want honesty?  You've come to the right place. 

2014

Happy New Year!

I am glad to see 2013 behind me. 

Of course we had a quiet evening last night.  Husband has begun to have the dreaded night terrors again.  They are something.  I don't get much sleep.

He has mostly been in his own world, with an occasional dose of reality, then, slips quietly back away from me.  He has been sleeping more during the day.

When he looks at me, his eyes no longer focus.  One eye will be slightly turned up while the other will be staring blankly ahead.

He thinks we have 2-3 dogs.  Still.  When I am with our dog, he will ask where the other one is.  I usually tell him the other one is sleeping.  No need to correct him.  It wouldn't make sense to him anyways.

Husband, for some reason, thinks he wears dog tags.  Where that one came from is beyond me.  He will ask where his dog tags are and I tell him they are put away.  Again, better to go along with it.

He has started to take the batteries out of his flashlight, puts the cap back on then says his flashlight is "broken".  That is maddening.

In fact, everything is broken.

He gets scared and asks me if the windows are locked.  Are the doors locked too? 

2014 for me will bring big changes, for sure.  I actually have Peace about this new year.  I know it will make me a widow, and, I'm OK with that.  Hey, it is what it is.

A new beginning.  A brand new year.  I'm ready for it!