Update

Fall is coming to the great state of Colorado.  Ever since husband's diagnosis, I dreaded Fall.  It used to be my favorite time of year.  This year, I am looking forward to it once again.  I feel like I have been dead inside for so long.  Too much sorrow, too much mourning for what has been lost and what could've been.

No more.  I feel alive again.  I am planning a future for me. 

Husband's Dr appt on the 20th was good.  I got so many answers. 

First off, I was right about husband's decline.  They said there has been a noticeable decline, but, it was expected.  This is what they found:

Husband's left eyesight is almost gone.  He can see somewhat, but, his vision is distorted and he cannot tell what is what out of that eye.  Because the damage involved is mostly on the right side of the brain, his entire left side is most affected.

He did not know the day of the week, date nor the year.  He couldn't tell you objects that they would show him.

Dr said the hallucinations will be more present now. 

I told the Dr about his sleeping most of the day and night.  He said to let him sleep, his brain is shutting down and that is to be expected from now on.

He advised me to take him to his Primary here in the Springs, as we are now to watch for signs of pneumonia.  He said that during end of life with Alzheimer's patients, their body will produce too much fluid that will settle in the lungs.  They don't have to get a cold or virus.  It happens naturally.

He wants a nurse to come as well as Hospice.  He knows of the trouble I've had getting insurance to approve a nurse, but, said now is the time, insurance will approve it now.

He informed me I have to start making final arrangements for husband.  I told him I didn't know where to begin. 

Funnily enough,  on Tuesday, I got an application from the Neptune Society in handling husband's final arrangements (I think the Dr did this) .  I did the application and is ready for the mail.  I don't know what the cost is.  At least I can make monthly payments.

On the home front, I took my car in for what I thought was a loose belt.  After 2 hours of diagnosing, I have $4,000 worth of work to be done on my car.  Great.

I prided myself on keeping up with my car.  So much for that.  I don't know what to do.  I am in no position to buy another car, nor do I have an extra 4,000 laying around.

I am taking one day at a time in regards to the car.  Whatever will be will be.

So, there you have it.  My life to date. 

A year ago I would've crumbled.  This year?

Whatever.  Keeping me on my toes for sure.

Peace

I'm still here.  Still fighting and kicking.  Surviving.  It's all I have left.

Life these days with husband has been quite difficult.  He has declined at an alarming rate.  We see Dr  F the 24th (I think) of this month.  They may tell me how much longer, or, worse, shrug their shoulders, baffled at this man who has survived longer than they first believed 4 years ago.  Well, me too.

Some may say, "But, aren't you glad you still have him, making memories?"  Uh, no.  I cannot make memories with him.  He, at times, doesn't even know me, usually at night when I take his glasses off with him sound asleep.  He will open his eyes, smile and say, "Well, hi there."  He may ask me what I'm doing here, or, ask me crazy questions.  Of course, I always find an answer for him.  He believes anything I say to him now.

He has lost total control of all bodily functions.  He is in protective underwear during the day.  I've had to get actual diapers for him, along with the pads that I insert in the diapers to help absorb any leakage.

He has been sleeping during the day, more and more.  Taking him anywhere is difficult.  He panics.  He has started taking his clothes off at all hours of the day.  He, for some odd reason, strips his bed at all hours of the day as well.  I will wake up in the morning to find him naked and all bedding on the floor. 

I have started telling him no at some requests he demands of me.  I usually give in to him, but, lately, I have found myself telling him no at some of his demands.  He does not like it one bit, but, there are times I think, "Enough is enough."  After awhile he forgets I have told him "No!!", comes out of the bedroom with that hazy crazy look in his eyes and be fine.

Since my Mother died, I have felt a peace like no other.  Oh, I miss her, so much so that it's an actual pain, but, this peaceful feeling is more prominent as days go by.

I no longer get sad or upset at anything related to husband or Alzheimer's.  Surviving the death of Mother, well, if I can do that, I can do this.  It's as if she's beside me, giving me comfort and guidance.

Sometimes in the afternoon when husband is sleeping, I sit in my chair and imagine him gone.  It no longer takes my breath away.  There is no pain associated with it anymore.  Not that I don't care.  Just the opposite. 

I am making plans.  For me.  For when he's gone.  It'll be just me then.  A new life.  New beginnings.  Funny, it's not scary anymore. 

It's not so bad anymore.