Well, after 2 years of struggling with myself to letting go of husband's care, we now have a nurse 3 days per week and a physical therapist 2 days per week. Can we all say, "yay?"
I was quite hesitant at first, what with strangers coming in my home, but, the weight has been lifted from my shoulders. There is such a sense of freedom about me. Something I haven't felt in a very long time.
Husband, at first, was not too keen on the idea. Now? He is so relaxed around them and has accepted them into our family, because, they are fast becoming family-like to me.
I had to take husband to Denver on Wednesday for his 3 month check-up. Dr F was so happy about the professionals taking over his care. He said probably the reason I always hesitated was because it just wasn't time yet. Now, Dr F said, is the right time. Yes, now is the right time. The disease has taken over now.
Everyday he seems to slip more and more into the unknown. Everyday the clarity gets less and less.
I woke up at 4 am today and caught husband trying to walk in the living room with his comforter in his hand. He said he was taking a walk with his Dad.
Loves, loves, loves to strip his bed and throw everything on the floor. Loves, loves, loves to strip himself.
He will ask me questions about when he is gone. Will I give something he cherishes to so and so? What will happen to his TV? What about his clothes? This will happen fleeting, in a moment of clarity. It goes just as fast as it came and he will once again slip away.
It's all good though. On the drive home from Denver the other day, we were talking about Heaven. He said he "hoped" he would go to Heaven. I told him, "Well, then, you better watch your P's and Q"s". He didn't laugh. He didn't understand what P's and Q's were. The clarity once again was gone, and he was once again in a stupor.
I now see light at the end of the tunnel. I am doing OK. I find myself laughing a lot more lately. Good, healthy laughing. It's just going to be OK now.
It's not just me anymore. There's a staff of more than 1 now.
