Glory be to God

I have been talking to God a lot lately.  A lot.  And my Mom.  A lot.  My heart is heavy and as I type these words, tears keep falling.

You see, I have come to the difficult decision to place husband in a facility.  It's time.  For his sake as well as mine.  And for his safety.

Last week, husband got up in the middle of the night and wandered into the bathroom.  Somehow, he fell backwards into the bathtub, hitting his head and his right arm hit the bathtub faucet, bending it and putting an awful bruise on his arm.  It took Kristen and I about an hour to get him out of the tub.

It was then I began talking to God and my Mom.

I have given this journey 5 years.  5 long years.  I thought I could do it.  "I'm strong," I would tell myself.  "God has trusted me with this," I'd say.  "I take my wedding vows seriously," I'd try to convince myself.  "Remember the promise you made to him, that long ago day, Day of Diagnosis, that you would never place him in a home?" I'd remind myself.

Now, like today, with him sleeping in the bedroom, I try to imagine him gone, in a home.  I get a peaceful feeling, along with such great sadness.

So, now begins the process.  My first stop is Social Security Friday morning.  Because I am his Rep & Payee, he doesn't need to be there.  With him having Medicare and supplemental Humana Insurance, I was told by someone who knows, that I will not lose his benefits, but, will pay a monthly co-pay.  Medicare and Humana will absorb most of the cost.  So, I will go and get all my ducks in a row to find out what my options are.

Next stop will be finding a home.  I want to make sure wherever I place him, that he will be well cared for.

I spoke with his nurse this morning, telling her of my decision.  She agrees and said it was time.  She is bringing me some names of places she knows that are outstanding.  She did mention that I should place him in an Alzheimer's Care Facility.  That way, he will be around people special like him.

I know my husband will hate me for this.  But, once I've made up my mind, there's no changing it.  I can't let the fear of him hating me stop me.  I know once he's there and gets used to it, he'll be fine.  It's getting him there that scares me.

So, there you have it.  I am breaking my promise to him and placing him.  Only, when I made that promise, I would have no idea what a nightmare this is and how it's taken a real toll on me.

There will be some who disagree with my decision.  Oh well.  They don't live here.  They do not walk in my shoes.  Only I can make this difficult decision.

Please be in prayer with me as I begin this heart wrenching task.  What a journey this has been.  My body, soul and mind are so weary right now.

But, once again.  It's time.  May God and all His Glory be with me.

If it doesn't stop snowing soon, I think  I shall lose my mind.  Not kidding.  The weatherman says it's going to be 46 degrees tomorrow.  Gonna break out shorts!!

Seriously though, I am so over Winter.  I took a picture of the snow with my cell and wanted to post it here.  Sent it to my email and it never arrived.  Lost in cyber space.  Or, someone is enjoying a great picture.

My poor dog hates the snow.  I took him out the other day to do his business and when we got to the grass, he sank.  He's a white Maltese, so, all you could see was his eyes.  He literally disappeared in the snow.  Needless to say, he did his thing and pulled me back to the front door.

Although, there is light at the end of the tunnel.  We set our clocks forward this weekend, which means, Spring!!  Yay.

On the Alzheimer's side of my life, well, not so great.  This week,  husband has had some serious hallucinations.  A little scary.

The other afternoon, I had started a fire, and as I was turning around from the fireplace, husband was on all fours behind me.  I jumped back and asked him what he was doing.  He  was clawing at the fire saying he had to get our money.  He kept asking me why I was burning up all our money.

It took me some time to calm him down.  For about an hour after that, he was still convinced that all our money was being burnt up.

The next day, he started messing with the dog.  He asked me if the dog was safe.  I assured him he was, wondering where this was leading up to.

Later, husband started choking the dog.  Luckily, I had just come into the living room and saw it.  I took the dog from him and told him, sternly, not to do that again.  He said all he was doing was trying to put the dog back together again.

That left me rattled for the rest of the day.

Yesterday, I came into the living room and husband was smiling and giggling, looking towards the wall.  When he saw me, he stopped.  I ignored it, but, was watching out of the corner of my eye.  Again, he looked towards the wall and began giggling and whispering to the wall.  I asked him what he was doing.  He stopped, said nothing.  But, turned towards the wall, put his finger to his lips as if to shush whoever or, whatever.

I can tell you about this, but, to actually see it in person, well, one can only imagine how horrific and scary these hallucinations can be.

It's awful, I'll tell you.  Awful.

The nurse suggested getting him on anti-psychotic meds.  We've tried those.  They don't work on him.  In fact, it does just the opposite.  Makes him even more agitated.

So, here's to (hopefully) warmer weather, longer daylight, no more hallucinations and the nurse starting on Monday, five whole days of care for husband.

Hip, hip, hooray!

A little good news

It's funny how just when I'm ready to throw in the towel, something good happens.

I got the call from Home Health Care earlier, telling me my Insurance approved us for 5 day a week nursing care.  Big sigh here.

They told me they don't know how long 5 days will help.  Next step will go up to 7 days a week, then 7 days, twice daily.  After that,  Hospice.

To hear that word, Hospice, well, kind of  brought me back to reality, but, I refuse to let that word darken my day.

Husband doesn't know yet, he is sleeping.  A normal for him.  When he wakes up, I will tell him the good news.  From then on, he will continually ask me again and again how many days a week for, I'm sure, the next couple of days.  He just cannot retain anything.

So, today, I will not let anything bother me, for I know that beginning next week, a lot of this burden will be lifted from me.  It's been a long 5 years caring for him, but, it's time to let the professionals take over.  I've done all I can.

Bittersweet because the end is coming.  On the other hand, I can honestly look at myself in the mirror and know I did the best I could. 

And for that, I am thankful.