One final post

Saturday, April 30th marked 10 months since husband passed.  I have no words.

Unfortunately, for those who still read this blog, I will not be posting anymore.  There is nothing left to say.

I am trying to fit in a world that I feel has passed me by during husband's illness.  I lost me, I lost my husband.

I will be leaving Colorado sometime in the next year for Arizona.  I'm not sad to be leaving.  There are no great memories here.  Only ones of sickness and sadness. 

So, thank you for following me on this journey.  I hope, in one way or the other, I have told my story with heart and soul and pure honesty.

God Bless each and every one of you.

Summing it all up

Spring is just around the corner.  How is it that I have been without husband for almost 3 seasons?  We are coming up on the 9th month anniversary.  Maybe it's a good thing time is going by fast.

I have had about 7 good days.  Not happy, mind you, but, good.

Mostly, every day is the same.  I'm a creature of habit, so, my routine is simple and expected.

My daughter and son in law are moving to Arizona next year and want me to go with them.  They don't want me to be alone.  I resisted at first, but, decided to just do it.  What have I got to lose?  My memories here are ones of doctors and sickness.  So, Arizona, here I come.

I did take a road trip to Albuquerque 3 weeks ago.  I can't say it was a good trip, so many memories that almost did me in, but, I can check that off my list.  Sort of, "been there, done that".

I was watching a TV program some time ago, and, in it, someone asked, "are you happy?"  I started thinking long and hard about that, for me, personally.  The answer is, no, I am not happy.  It's not one of those complaining, whiney, feel sorry for me kind of "not happy".  It's just very simple and easy to understand.  I am not happy.  Oh well.

So, there you have it.  Let's sum it up:

Spring is coming.
I've had better days.
I am moving to Arizona next year.
Took a road trip.
And, I am not happy anymore.

Amen

Blooming?

I just read an old post from 3 years ago.  Wow, memories came flooding back.  Please, someone, remind me not to do that again.

I don't know why I am posting.  No one really reads it anyways.  Good therapy for me I guess.

Husband has been gone for 6 months now.  Hospice sent me a letter, on the 6th month anniversary.  It explained how usually once you get to that 6 month mark, more reality or finality become clearer.  It says you may come to a fork in the road, and it's up to you as to which way you should go.

I can honestly say that was true for me.  I am finding myself changing and evolving.  This church I have been visiting has helped me more than anything else.  I love the message and can't wait for each Sunday to come so I can go back.

Last Sunday, I joined the Grief Share.  It starts this coming Thursday.  I pray it will help me.

I am also wanting to get out and meet people.  I find myself wanting friends now.  I find myself wanting more of a social life now.  I actually went up to strangers at church and introduced myself last week.  Me, I did that.  Changing and evolving.

I am thinking of getting a part time job as well.  Trouble is, when they see the 5 1/2 year gap on my Resume and will probably ask me what I've been doing these last 5 1/2 years, I don't know what to tell them without crying.  How do I explain that one?  Tough stuff.  Who knows, but, the desire to work is becoming more of a reality and I know God is directing me.  It would sure help the income.

Life as I knew it is gone, but, I still get up each day, I still drink my espresso, I still talk to husband, but, I'm changing.  Ever so slowly, I feel this change in me.

Like a flower that has been in the dark for so long, light is coming to this flower and it's beginning to bloom again.

Yeah, that's me.