I have a job!!!

Yesterdy was interesting. It had nothing to do with Dementia. It had to do with me.

I had an experience this past week. I won't go into details, but, am so amazed at people.

I was treated with the utmost crude, rude, ignorant, thoughtless and humilated way, that just thinking about it now makes me so angry I want to strike back. But, I won't. I will let those people go on, chalk it up to one more chapter in my life. After all, I have better things to do and more important, God has given me a job to do. And, I didn't even have to submit a Resume nor go through an interview.

A job that does not require experience. It requires stamina. Stamina I thought I didn't have. A job that requires heartbreaking decisions. A job that will take me into the depths of hell. A job that will one day, leave me a Widow. A job that will some days, leave me exhausted. A job that will require me to be "on the clock" 24/7. A job that requires me to watch my husband turn into a helpless man. A job that involves travel. Into the Land of Dementia. Travel arrangements courtesy of God. No fees, no taxes, no charge for excess baggage.

And, I will accept the position. And for what? What will I accomplish in this job? What will I gain? What is the end result?

I won't question the why's. I was given this job for a reason. I will do it to the best of my ability. I know what the end result will be. I don't question that, I know.

A new stage

Last night was rough. Husband was restless. I think the siezure phase of this disease has begun. Husband was jerking alot. I finally sat up and watched his body. The jerking would start at the feet and move towards the middle of his body. When I say jerking, I guess it was like a vibration, then the legs would jerk, tremble, then move up toward the stomach. And then he would choke.

All the while, I was planning on what to do. Do I call 911? What if he stops breathing? We have a DNR on file, so what good would calling 911 do? He doesn't want to be brought back.

So, on to another stage in the Land of Dementia. Oh well, I'm not the first person to go through this and sadly, won't be the last.

Now, I have to find my inner strength. God give me strength to get through this. Amen.

Traditions - Time will tell

So far this week, things have been OK. Husband has seemed more confused, but has accepted it. To me, it just doesn't feel like he is fighting it like he was. I don't know, could be my imagination, time will tell, I guess.

Our wonderful Dr at UNM personally called yesterday afternoon, just to see how we were doing. Dr Q left UNM in June to go to another medical associate. And, since we were denied for Medi-Caid, we could not follow him. He is such a neat Dr. He and I talked for about 30 minutes, talking about everything. I told him where husband was at now in this stage. He said he wasn't surprised at how things were progressing, said it would go faster now, now that the brain is dying. Funny how I can have this type of conversation with a Dr, about my husband, listening to him give me horrible statistics, nod my head and agree with him without crying. How is that possible?

Husband wants to talk about God and Heaven now. Whatever I am doing, I will sit down with him and open up the bible and try to find a passage. One that will make him feel better. Of course, I have to break down what it means to me, but make it in elementary form for husband to understand. Thinking about getting a Children's Bible. May be easier for him and me. He doesn't read anymore, can't, but at least I will be able to communicate through a more easier read. Anyone know of a good Children's Bible?

Summer is winding down. I'm happy. This heat has gotten to me. Fall is my favorite time of year, but with this Diagnosis last year, Fall seems kind of sad now. Just looking forward to crisp mornings, and the smell of Green Chille roasting in the market places. We have one nearby, and the smell is intoxicating.

We also go to Dixon's Apple Farm every fall. You pay a certin price, pick all the apples you want. These apples are organic and one of the best tasting apples. Also, they have this stand that you can buy all sorts of apple products. The best one by far is the apple fritter. They make them fresh to order. They are fresh from the fryer. Oh man, are those good. Only, this fall, we will not be going. After all the fires this summer, Dixon's Apple Farm burned down. All but a few trees survived. How sad for the owners, decendents of the original Mr Dixon, who started the farm from seeds.

Kind of like my "new" life now, heh? I now will make new traditions, traditions that won't involve husband. Jack will be entering the Air Force in June, 2012. No husband, no more kids at home. So, I have all year to find new traditions for me alone. What will I be like? What will I do? Time will tell, friends, time will tell.

Support Group

I attended my first meeting yesterday with this Support Group I joined. It was nice to get away and talk with other people who are experiencing the same as I am.

Some of the members have already lost their loved one, some are able to function somewhat, some are in Nursing Homes, some are being cared for by Caregivers and some, like me, care for their spouse themselves. As I sat there, I was thinking to the future and what it will be like with husband.

One of the members brought her son and daughter in law. The son said that he took his dad out to lunch last week, and as they sat down, his dad, who has some type of Dementia, said to his son, "So, tell me about your dad". How heartbreaking is that? The tears flowed at this meeting, but the love and compassion I felt there was overflowing. And the humor. How nice it was to wipe your tears, then laugh at the next person. You could really feel the love there.

Husband and I witnessed his Mother suffer from this horrific disease. It is not pretty. They literally loose their minds. Husband knows he gets to go through the same thing, which, in my opinion, makes it all that much harder.

Before I went to this meeting, I started reading the Bible to husband. He asked questions, at times there was that look in his eyes, hard to explain. Blank, but strange. At the meeting yesterday, this woman was showing a picture of her husband. Arlene leaned over to me and said, "See the eyes? Recognize it?" I looked at the picture and there it was. That same look. Unless you live it, you can't understand "that look". It's the mark of this horrid, horrid disease.

This morning, I will read more passages from the Bible to husband. He likes it, seems to relax, seems comforted by the Words.

Husband fell again. It's happening more and more now. This monster has taken over his body and destroys like no other.

On to a new week. A new week of discoveries for me, a new week of destruction for husband.

Date Night?

Last night, Husband and I went out, together, jut the two of us.

To Church.

My heart was filled, husband's heart was filled.

It was a different kind of church. They had loud music playing, this band was incredible. The songs they sang brought tears to my eyes. I would glance at husband, and I could see a peaceful look on his face. The last song made me cry, it was so beautiful.

Pastor came on after 20 minutes of song. The way he delivered his sermon, I kind of looked around and thought, "Wow, he's talking directly to me". This man was fantastic. I would glance at husband, no blank stare, no shifting in his seat, no looking like he wanted to get out of there. It was incredible.

No ordinary church, but the people who came, came to hear the Word of God. I can't say enough. My heart has been filled with the love of God. He has directed me there. I can't wait to go back.

As we were leaving, I was helping husband walk out, there were alot of people, and they parted ways to let husband through the crowd. No look of pity for him, no look of disgust at the way he shuffles, just the look of a fellow Christian, coming to church, to hear the Word of God. I have tears as I type this.

After we got out of the auditorium, husband turned to me and said, "I liked that, can we come back?" Yes, my dear husband, we are coming back.

When we got home and he got settled on the bed, he said, "You know, I believe in God, He is real". Ugh, Don't want to cry.

God is speaking to husband now. God will be calling him Home, God is touching husband's heart now. It will be time, soon enough. Where we cannot reach husband anymore, God did. And my heart is full.

Faith, Hope and Love

Funny how life experiences change you, or, in my thoughts, should change you.

I sometimes look at people and wonder what their life is like. Are they happy? When I worked, some of our clients were the most rudest people I had ever met. Before diagnosis, I resented these rude people. After diagnosis, I felt compassion for them.

What has happened in their lives to make them so bitter? It is really sad to think that they, like me, had a choice. They chose not to have hope and turned into mean, bitter people. When I think about it, it makes me sad for them.

There is hope for all of us going through these trials. We just have to have faith, see light at the end of the tunnel.

Husband has taken a nose dive. He had another fall. He talks in a mumbled, low tone. I can't hear him anymore. He is depressed alot. He forgets now where the bedroom is. The other morning he was shuffling in circles in the living room. I asked him what was wrong, he says, "Where's the bedroom?" Ever feel like you've been kicked in the gut? Yeah, it's that kind of feeling.

Dr A called me. He remembered husband. Wants to see him the end of this month. At the end of our conversation he said, "Mrs L, you do know that there is nothing we can do for him except to make him more comfortable?" Yes, I said. Got off the phone, husband asked who that was, I told him and his eyes lit up. He got excited that Dr A will now take over his care. "Oh good, when do I go? That's good news, isn't it?" "Yes", I say, then looked at him with his excited expression on his face, "Yes, it sure is honey". With that, he shuffles away and I cried.

Hope - Part 2

Starting this week, I will be learning coping skills, have support, someone to talk to, and, just knowing I am not alone. It has been a long time. I now have something to look forward to. I now know there will be a life after husband is gone. For me, for Jack. I am hoping that by joining this Support Group, I can meet more and more people going through what I am going through. And maybe, just maybe, there will be someone I can help.

This journey is hard. But, God knows I can do it. This lady that heads up this group said to me, "You may feel like you are loosing your mind, but you are not, your husband is". It just made sense to me. She has given me helpful pointers over the phone. I applied them this weekend, and, it was a very pleasant weekend.

I also talked to her about how he seems fine for a few days to a week, but, then it all comes crashing down, and he's worse than before. Finally, finally, I found someone who went through the same thing. I told her I called it the Honeymoon period. How as time went on, I found myself dreading these Honeymoon periods, cause I knew what would happen next. She felt the same way with her husband. It's just nice to be able to talk your heart out and have someone at the other end of the line say, "Oh yes, I went through the same thing as you did, I also felt the same way you did".

Know how there's a big storm? Thunder & lightening? Wind? But, when the storm is over, the smell of fresh air, everything looks so clean?

I feel that way today. There will be more storms to come. This is just the beginning of the nightmare. But, I now have people who have been through it, or are going through it. I can now lean on someone besides myself.

I can do this, I say to myself, I can do this.