Merry Christmas!
I sincerely hope your day is filled with family, friends and the hope we have in Jesus Christ. Oh, and all the good food that comes along with it.
I am cooking today. A smaller version of what I used to cook, but, cooking all the same.
Jack got his package. He posted it on Facebook.
Christmas Eve services was really good. Burt, Marie and the kids all came back here to eat Posole. It was delicious. I think the key to really good Posole is, I cook it for 3 days. There is enough left over to freeze for at least two, if not three more meals for husband and I.
Husband has been in a strange mood for a few days now. I don't know what he is thinking. I can't read him. He acts like he is resentful of everything around him. Even me. He makes sarcastic remarks to me. I let them go. I hope he will "behave" today.
Of course, I've gotten used to this roller coaster. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've said this before. It's no way to live, folks. I don't know what it's like anymore to have a "normal" day.
I want a normal, happy day today. Just one day, Lord.
Husband's last camping trip
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
You can do this, you can do this............................
Oh, the sights and smells of Christmas. I thought for sure it would literally depress the heck out of me. Surprise, it's not. I'm just going with the flow. When someone tells me have a happy holiday, I have been genuinely telling them to do the same. This holiday season is not so bad after all. Not that I walk around spreading Christmas cheer, but, when the young man at the cash register is so nice and talkative, I can't help but wish him a Merry Christmas. So, OK, I think I can do this.
Husband has no Christmas spirit this year. He has been down and depressed for a few days. It's hard on me when he's this way, but, I have tried to get him to smile. Maybe that's why I'm not so bah humbug? Gotta keep his spirits up? Could be.
He has not been sleeping well. I find him sitting up in bed in the middle of the night. Just sitting there, staring into the dark. I tell him to lie back down.
He's been a little irritated at everything. Including me. He will try to test me. See how much he can dish out. Once I've had it, he retreats to the bedroom to sulk. Ignoring him is the best way. Just like a child. I hate doing this, but, when you have a husband who has the mind of a 4 year old now, well, it worked for my other 4 year old children, so, it's been working for husband as well.
It's getting harder and harder now as we enter this final stage. I'm holding on, not steady, but holding on just the same. Preparing myself for the hell to come. It's coming, just on the horizon, you can feel it in the air. Reminds me of a big storm that is predicted. You can see the clouds building up and you brace yourself. You know it's going to hit, and there is nothing you can do to avoid it.
Tomorrow we will go to Christmas Eve services. I started my homemade Posole yesterday. It's a traditional New Mexico dish. It's delicious. You eat it on Christmas Eve. Marie, Burt and the kids are going to church with us, then, come back here to eat Posole. I am looking forward to that. Kristen will be here too.
Jack called last night. He asked me if I was making my Posole. When I told him yes, he groaned. He is homesick. A lot of the guys went home for Christmas. He said only a handful are there. Said it's like a ghost town there now. He has 2 weeks off from school. I asked him if he got his package yet. He said he will check today.
We talked for a long time. He told me how much he has learned being in the military. It was a good talk. I still miss that boy.
There are no regular church services today. Because our church is so large, they are having Christmas services today and tomorrow. So, today I will pack up some stuff. Get a little organized for our move. Clean out some cupboards. Take down shelves, pack up pictures.
So, for someone who has been dreading these holidays, it's not so bad. All the pep talks I have been giving myself have paid off.
Yep, I can do this.
Husband has no Christmas spirit this year. He has been down and depressed for a few days. It's hard on me when he's this way, but, I have tried to get him to smile. Maybe that's why I'm not so bah humbug? Gotta keep his spirits up? Could be.
He has not been sleeping well. I find him sitting up in bed in the middle of the night. Just sitting there, staring into the dark. I tell him to lie back down.
He's been a little irritated at everything. Including me. He will try to test me. See how much he can dish out. Once I've had it, he retreats to the bedroom to sulk. Ignoring him is the best way. Just like a child. I hate doing this, but, when you have a husband who has the mind of a 4 year old now, well, it worked for my other 4 year old children, so, it's been working for husband as well.
It's getting harder and harder now as we enter this final stage. I'm holding on, not steady, but holding on just the same. Preparing myself for the hell to come. It's coming, just on the horizon, you can feel it in the air. Reminds me of a big storm that is predicted. You can see the clouds building up and you brace yourself. You know it's going to hit, and there is nothing you can do to avoid it.
Tomorrow we will go to Christmas Eve services. I started my homemade Posole yesterday. It's a traditional New Mexico dish. It's delicious. You eat it on Christmas Eve. Marie, Burt and the kids are going to church with us, then, come back here to eat Posole. I am looking forward to that. Kristen will be here too.
Jack called last night. He asked me if I was making my Posole. When I told him yes, he groaned. He is homesick. A lot of the guys went home for Christmas. He said only a handful are there. Said it's like a ghost town there now. He has 2 weeks off from school. I asked him if he got his package yet. He said he will check today.
We talked for a long time. He told me how much he has learned being in the military. It was a good talk. I still miss that boy.
There are no regular church services today. Because our church is so large, they are having Christmas services today and tomorrow. So, today I will pack up some stuff. Get a little organized for our move. Clean out some cupboards. Take down shelves, pack up pictures.
So, for someone who has been dreading these holidays, it's not so bad. All the pep talks I have been giving myself have paid off.
Yep, I can do this.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Ordinary people?
Thank you for your comments. And, yes, the fudge was Jack's idea. They always make me smile. And a little humble. You make me sound like a Saint. Trust me, I'm no Saint. There are times when I feel very sorry for myself. And the "bad deal" that was handed to me. I become someone I don't like. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin when I get this way. Lately, I have been able to recognize when this feeling is coming on. And I try to avoid it like a head on collision. Most of the time it works. I get over it quickly. Other times, not so quickly.
Like the tides of the ocean.
People amuse me and make me want to spit like a man at times. Sometimes, when said people and I see each other, they will ask if husband has gotten better and gone back to work yet. Yes, I'm serious. I was actually asked that recently. So, this is where the "I'm no Saint" comes into play. The look on my face after they asked that stupid question gave them their answer.
We have a friend who was actually husband's friend in high school. She is married with 4 kids. I have always thought her to be a little kooky, but nice. Her ideas and mine don't mesh well. She will call often, asking how husband is doing. A few months ago, she called. As we were talking, she kept bringing up how we both are going through the same things. I asked her what she meant by this. She said, "Well, you know, our husband's are both dying. We are in this together." I got concerned and asked her was her husband OK? What was wrong with her husband? Very calmly and believing every word she was saying, said, "Oh well, B has Diabetes, so I know what you are going through." It took me a moment to recover. I didn't know if I should laugh or just tell her off. She then proceeds to tell me that when he comes home from work (he's still working?, I'm thinking) he's tired. Yep, I got a real kook on my hands. Last time she called, I saw her name on the caller ID and did not pick up the phone.
God really does have a sense of humor. He puts these people in my life for a reason. Maybe it's for a good laugh. But I sometimes walk away or hang up the phone shaking my head. Crazy, I mumble to myself.
Why someone would want to compare their situation with mine is beyond me. Do they honestly think this is glamorous? Are they jealous? Of what? Now, that's not normal. Or, how ignorant one would think that husband has gotten over his "issues" and is back to work. To me, that's just plain ignorant.
The tides of my life. There are highs and lows. I want to remember the highs and laugh at the lows.
Like the tides of the ocean.
People amuse me and make me want to spit like a man at times. Sometimes, when said people and I see each other, they will ask if husband has gotten better and gone back to work yet. Yes, I'm serious. I was actually asked that recently. So, this is where the "I'm no Saint" comes into play. The look on my face after they asked that stupid question gave them their answer.
We have a friend who was actually husband's friend in high school. She is married with 4 kids. I have always thought her to be a little kooky, but nice. Her ideas and mine don't mesh well. She will call often, asking how husband is doing. A few months ago, she called. As we were talking, she kept bringing up how we both are going through the same things. I asked her what she meant by this. She said, "Well, you know, our husband's are both dying. We are in this together." I got concerned and asked her was her husband OK? What was wrong with her husband? Very calmly and believing every word she was saying, said, "Oh well, B has Diabetes, so I know what you are going through." It took me a moment to recover. I didn't know if I should laugh or just tell her off. She then proceeds to tell me that when he comes home from work (he's still working?, I'm thinking) he's tired. Yep, I got a real kook on my hands. Last time she called, I saw her name on the caller ID and did not pick up the phone.
God really does have a sense of humor. He puts these people in my life for a reason. Maybe it's for a good laugh. But I sometimes walk away or hang up the phone shaking my head. Crazy, I mumble to myself.
Why someone would want to compare their situation with mine is beyond me. Do they honestly think this is glamorous? Are they jealous? Of what? Now, that's not normal. Or, how ignorant one would think that husband has gotten over his "issues" and is back to work. To me, that's just plain ignorant.
The tides of my life. There are highs and lows. I want to remember the highs and laugh at the lows.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
The Perfect Gift
The days seem to just blend into another. Every day seems the same as the one before. Nothing good happening, but, nothing really bad either. I just want this month to be over with so I can get us moved, settled and for once, relax.
All this Christmas cheer is getting to me. Reading emails and other posts about how wonderful someone's significant other is, surprising them with wonderful gifts, lavish, sentimental, meaningful acts from the love's of their lives.
The only gift I would ever ask for is for my husband to be well and not die. To have my husband back. To have "us" back. To live a normal life. Forget the trips. Forget the new wedding ring.
Of course, we all know that is not going to happen. So, I am left with what I have.
I am sounding negative, I can see where one would have that perception. And, well, maybe I am, but, I've had enough of the holidays and just want to move on.
Husband has been fading in and out. One minute he's perfectly fine, then, in the blink of an eye, he's off in his own world. It can take hours and sometimes even whole days for him to come back. He stares blankly at the TV, sometimes remembering what the weatherman said, sometimes not. It's so very cold now, too cold for him to go out in his scooter chair.
He lives for phone calls. Loves to talk on the phone. Sometimes he remembers he spoke to that person, other times not. I will have to remind him that he spoke to someone when he asks about them. He will get a confused look on his face, look at me sideways and say, "I talked to him? When?"
He knows it's Christmas time. Doesn't know when Christmas is, but, knows it's that time of year. He said he is looking forward to Christmas dinner and the stuffing I make that tastes just like my mom's. And my homemade apple pies.
All is not so sad and lonely. His face lights up when I mention Christmas dinner. He remembers my famous stuffing. And, those apple pies.
So you see, all is not lost.
All this Christmas cheer is getting to me. Reading emails and other posts about how wonderful someone's significant other is, surprising them with wonderful gifts, lavish, sentimental, meaningful acts from the love's of their lives.
The only gift I would ever ask for is for my husband to be well and not die. To have my husband back. To have "us" back. To live a normal life. Forget the trips. Forget the new wedding ring.
Of course, we all know that is not going to happen. So, I am left with what I have.
I am sounding negative, I can see where one would have that perception. And, well, maybe I am, but, I've had enough of the holidays and just want to move on.
Husband has been fading in and out. One minute he's perfectly fine, then, in the blink of an eye, he's off in his own world. It can take hours and sometimes even whole days for him to come back. He stares blankly at the TV, sometimes remembering what the weatherman said, sometimes not. It's so very cold now, too cold for him to go out in his scooter chair.
He lives for phone calls. Loves to talk on the phone. Sometimes he remembers he spoke to that person, other times not. I will have to remind him that he spoke to someone when he asks about them. He will get a confused look on his face, look at me sideways and say, "I talked to him? When?"
He knows it's Christmas time. Doesn't know when Christmas is, but, knows it's that time of year. He said he is looking forward to Christmas dinner and the stuffing I make that tastes just like my mom's. And my homemade apple pies.
All is not so sad and lonely. His face lights up when I mention Christmas dinner. He remembers my famous stuffing. And, those apple pies.
So you see, all is not lost.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Just existing
We have had a somewhat low key past couple of days. Father in law and Lupe came over Thursday with a Christmas Basket for us. There was a ham, fresh apples, oranges and bananas. Lupe bought me some Christmas towels for the kitchen. FIL also brought more wood. What a nice surprise.
Husband is doing OK. Asks a lot of questions about our move. Memory issues are constant now. Will forget what I just told him in an instant. He was telling me he had taken a cough drop because he was coughing. Only, he forgot drop. Was stumbling over the word "cough", but could not remember that drop followed cough. I have to constantly fill in where he leaves off now. I do it like it's a normal thing to do, not make a big deal about it. It's second nature to me now.
It's so very cold outside so we have been staying inside. I do have to go to the post office today to mail Jack's fudge. I made it yesterday along with homemade banana muffins. He called last night and is excited to get his package. I still miss him.
I have been looking online for recliners. I have found some at K-Mart, reasonable priced. Only, the sale goes off today. There's always after Christmas sales.
Not a lot going on in our household. Days are blending into another. Surviving. Lonely at times. Sad at times. I have been using the fireplace every afternoon, into the night. It's so cold.
Isn't it just like my life now. Keeping the home fires burning.
Husband is doing OK. Asks a lot of questions about our move. Memory issues are constant now. Will forget what I just told him in an instant. He was telling me he had taken a cough drop because he was coughing. Only, he forgot drop. Was stumbling over the word "cough", but could not remember that drop followed cough. I have to constantly fill in where he leaves off now. I do it like it's a normal thing to do, not make a big deal about it. It's second nature to me now.
It's so very cold outside so we have been staying inside. I do have to go to the post office today to mail Jack's fudge. I made it yesterday along with homemade banana muffins. He called last night and is excited to get his package. I still miss him.
I have been looking online for recliners. I have found some at K-Mart, reasonable priced. Only, the sale goes off today. There's always after Christmas sales.
Not a lot going on in our household. Days are blending into another. Surviving. Lonely at times. Sad at times. I have been using the fireplace every afternoon, into the night. It's so cold.
Isn't it just like my life now. Keeping the home fires burning.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Shooting at school
My heart is heavy today.
Makes you wonder just what this world is coming to. I am so glad I have no more young ones in school.
You can't go to the movies. You can't go to the mall. It's dangerous in the workplace.
Now, it's a risk to send your children to school?
My God.
Makes you wonder just what this world is coming to. I am so glad I have no more young ones in school.
You can't go to the movies. You can't go to the mall. It's dangerous in the workplace.
Now, it's a risk to send your children to school?
My God.
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