Enough!!

A strange day, yesterday.  Husband seemed out of sorts most of the day.  Morning started off rough and ended in a very quiet night.

Husband brought me a piece of cardboard, the size of a business card.  Asked me to write our address and phone number on it.  Surprised and a little concerned, I did as he requested.  Asked him what is was for, he said that in case he ever gets lost, they would find this in his wallet.

I suggested we get one of those Medical ID bracelets, he said no.  I'm going to order one today.  It's time.

Not that he ever goes outside without me, but, still, nice to have.

Am anxious for him to see Dr A.  He will be the one to tell me just where we are at in this disease.  He's so wise.  Don't know if I mentioned, but, they have moved husband's appointment up to the 16th instead of the 25th.  Earlier the better.  He really needs to be seen.

I woke up this morning with a feeling of change in the air.  I believe I'm loosing touch with husband.  He's drifting farther and farther away from me.  There are times, when I actually look into his eyes and see no recognition of me.  The eyes look wild to me.  Wild and confused.  They dart around, trying to find something he can recognize.

He said something to me yesterday that hurt, but, in reality, was the truth, but not the way he said it.  He told me he knows I wish he would die.  Not a lie.  No, I don't sit here and think I wish he would die, not in that way.  I just wish his suffering were over with, that's all.  I could never say that to him.  He just wouldn't understand.

Jack feels the same way.  I think the other kids do too.  We see the suffering.  We see the total lack of concentration.  The total devastation.  We see him attempting to walk and it breaks our hearts watching him fall down.  There are some days it's hard to watch.  And we say to ourselves, "enough already."

Yes, enough already.