Another year

Oh boy.  Husband is getting a little scary in his scooter chair.  He has banged into walls and crashed into furniture.

Last night, I was sitting on the couch watching TV.  My couch is in the middle of the living room, separating the living room from the dining room.  I did not hear him come down the hallway, when, all of a sudden, there was this sudden jerk of the couch, followed by the couch being moved a little.  I didn't know what the heck was going on, until, around the corner of the couch I saw husband.  It scared me so much that I couldn't speak for a minute, then, I laid into husband.  I told him how much he scared me, to be careful, look where he is going.  Of course, he got mad and said, "Well, I don't know how to drive this thing anymore."

So, there it is.  He has forgotten how to operate his chair.  I don't know what I'm going to do when we move.  The apartment is small, not big like this house.  I surely don't want him banging into walls and making marks on the walls.  He certainly can't walk, even in that small apartment.  Guess I'll have to play it by ear.  Again.  Seems that's all I do anymore.

I woke up to snow this morning.  Good thing I'm not going anywhere today.  Want to have a quiet day today.

It's the end of 2012.  I can't say it's been a good year, nor a bad year.  Just another year.  I don't know what 2013 will bring.  I have not been working on my book.  Once we get moved and settled, I plan on doing just that.

So, for those of you who plan on having a celebration today, Happy New Year.

 

Delete

There is something to be said for families facing a loved one's devastating illness.  My family has changed, but, has remained the same.  Does that make any sense?  Let me explain.

We still laugh.  But, we laugh different.  There's a sadness just underneath the surface.  There's a certain sadness in the air in my house, but, we still laugh.  There's a missing link in our family now.  So, we laugh and joke and cut up.  Beats the alternative.

I think this Christmas was the turning point in this disease.  The kids who were here saw it, Marie saw it Friday.  Wow, in less than a week, husband has completely lost a huge part of his memory.  Alzheimer's hit his delete button.

For some reason, it has not really affected me the way some people think it should.  I'm taking it all in stride. It's not depressing me, nor do I cry about it.  Honestly?  I have been preparing myself for this for 2 years. And I'm ready for it.

It's not easy, mind you.  Husband can get out of hand.  I have learned to not make such a big deal out of anything in front of husband.  If he becomes unruly, it's up to me how I handle the situation.  I've learned that ignoring him is the best way.  He will settle down and in five minutes (I'm not kidding), he is smiling again.  Forgetting all about his tantrum of a few minutes ago.

Another perk of this disease.

I am surprising even myself at how well I'm handling this.  It's not as devastating as I thought it would be.  Maybe because he is, most of the time, oblivious to the fact the he can't remember anything?  He smiles through it all.  Just smiles.  This is new to me.  He fought so hard against this disease, and now that it's taking over his brain, he has begun to smile.

Smiling is contagious you know.  So, when he smiles, I smile.

We are entering Stage 7 of this disease, the final stage.  Funny how one just knows.  It's OK, I say to myself.  You can do this, I say to myself.

Wait.  I am doing it!!

Smile!!

Memory issues have really made it's presence known the last few days.  Husband has been pleasant, wheels around the house with a smile on his face, but, if you look in his eyes, "the look" is almost constant.

Husband called his dad yesterday.  I was changing the sheets on the bed and listened in on his conversation. He kept repeating himself.  Over and over.  He kept telling his dad about Jack and how much he likes military life.  Then, he would ask his dad about the weather, what he thought of this frigid cold, then, go right back to Jack, saying how much he likes military life.  By the time I got done with the bed and he was done talking, my heart was sinking.

Jason went to Wyoming for Christmas.  He called us on Christmas and husband spoke to him.  They had a good conversation.  The other day husband asked me where Jason was and why didn't he come to our house on Christmas.  I reminded him (Lesson #1, don't ever try to remind someone with Alzheimer's, it doesn't do any good) that he had spoken to him over the phone.  He looked at me as if I had lost my mind, then, said, "I did?  I don't remember."

I took Marie to run some errands yesterday.  I brought husband along.  When Marie got in the car, she gave husband a hug and we started on our way.  Husband turned to Marie sitting in the back seat and said, "So, how was your Christmas?  Did you guys have a good one?"  I glanced at her from my rear view mirror and saw the look on her face.  She looked as if she thought it was a joke, but, saw me looking at her.  Her little face fell, just for a moment.  She recovered and said, "Yes, daddy, we had a good Christmas.  I love you."  He said he loved her too, looked out the window with that smile on his face.

My poor Marie.  I think it's hit her just what is going on.  She was quiet the rest of the time.  She didn't say, "What?  We were at your house on Christmas, don't you remember?"  The kids all know now what not to say.  Now, if only I could learn that.

It's useless to say, "Don't you remember?,"  because they don't remember.

This has been hard adjusting to.  God has been good however, this perfect plan He has for us.  I am so busy getting organized for our move that, I don't have much time to dwell on the fact that I am loosing touch with husband.  He's really fading now.  But, only God knows what to do, so, He keeps me busy.  And I thank Him.

Husband has been smiling a lot lately.  Smiling, but, completely lost in his own world.  Could it be that the Angels are surrounding him and he feels the love of God?

I'd like to think so.

A noisy Christmas Day

Christmas morning started out rough, but, ended well.  Husband had been in a mood for a few days.

I decided to let him have his moment, then told him he could stay in the bedroom and be miserable, or, he could join the rest of the family once they got here and be a part of the family.  With that, I left him in the room and soon, he came out and was fine.

So, for the rest of the day, well, it was great.  I cooked, they all ate and swore I make the best stuffing, mashed potatoes and apple pies.  Husband ate well.

I didn't tell anyone he had had a bad morning.  I just went with the flow.  He laughed and I could tell he was enjoying himself.  "The look" was there all day, but, he did fine.  I heard a lot of "remember when..........", glanced at husband, and he would be nodding his head, which is a sign to me that he does not remember or understand what they are saying, but, being polite, he would nod his head.  He also laughed a lot.

So, Christmas 2012 was a success!  My husband was happy.  I laughed a lot too.  It was great to have family here.  This house is usually so quiet.  I sometimes miss the noise of family.  My heart was full.

OK, got the two major holidays out of the way.  Moving day, here we come.  Pat & Tyler will help and a family friend with the truck will help.  Not much to move, as I have gotten rid of so much.  It will be an adjustment, this small apartment, but, I'm more interested in the finance side of things.  Just have to be able to make it from month to month.

A new year is coming.  A new start.  I don't know what this year will bring.  My husband is fading away, but, I know deep in my heart that he will one day, be at peace.

Once all is said and done, I know I would have done the best I could do for him.  And, sometimes, doing all I can for husband now is good enough.

Christmas 2012

Merry Christmas!

I sincerely hope your day is filled with family, friends and the hope we have in Jesus Christ.  Oh, and all the good food that comes along with it.

I am cooking today.  A smaller version of what I used to cook, but, cooking all the same.

Jack got his package.  He posted it on Facebook.

Christmas Eve services was really good.  Burt, Marie and the kids all came back here to eat Posole.  It was delicious.  I think the key to really good Posole is, I cook it for 3 days.  There is enough left over to freeze for at least two, if not three more meals for husband and I.

Husband has been in a strange mood for a few days now.  I don't know what he is thinking.  I can't read him.  He acts like he is resentful of everything around him.  Even me.  He makes sarcastic remarks to me.  I let them go.  I hope he will "behave" today.

Of course, I've gotten used to this roller coaster.  I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I've said this before.  It's no way to live, folks.  I don't know what it's like anymore to have a "normal" day.

I want a normal, happy day today.  Just one day, Lord.
 

You can do this, you can do this............................

Oh, the sights and smells of Christmas.  I thought for sure it would literally depress the heck out of me.  Surprise, it's not.  I'm just going with the flow.  When someone tells me have a happy holiday, I have been genuinely telling them to do the same.  This holiday season is not so bad after all.  Not that I walk around spreading Christmas cheer, but, when the young man at the cash register is so nice and talkative, I can't help but wish him a Merry Christmas.  So, OK, I think I can do this.

Husband has no Christmas spirit this year.  He has been down and depressed for a few days.  It's hard on me when he's this way, but, I have tried to get him to smile.  Maybe that's why I'm not so bah humbug?  Gotta keep his spirits up?  Could be.

He has not been sleeping well.  I find him sitting up in bed in the middle of the night.  Just sitting there, staring into the dark.  I tell him to lie back down.

He's been a little irritated at everything.  Including me.  He will try to test me.  See how much he can dish out.  Once I've had it, he retreats to the bedroom to sulk.  Ignoring him is the best way.  Just like a child.  I hate doing this, but, when you have a husband who has the mind of a 4 year old now, well, it worked for my other 4 year old children, so, it's been working for husband as well.

It's getting harder and harder now as we enter this final stage.  I'm holding on, not steady, but holding on just the same.  Preparing myself for the hell to come.  It's coming, just on the horizon, you can feel it in the air.  Reminds me of a big storm that is predicted.  You can see the clouds building up and you brace yourself.  You know it's going to hit, and there is nothing you can do to avoid it.

Tomorrow we will go to Christmas Eve services.  I started my homemade Posole yesterday.  It's a traditional New Mexico dish.  It's delicious.  You eat it on Christmas Eve.  Marie, Burt and the kids are going to church with us, then, come back here to eat Posole.  I am looking forward to that.  Kristen will be here too.

Jack called last night.  He asked me if I was making my Posole.  When I told him yes, he groaned.  He is homesick.  A lot of the guys went home for Christmas.  He said only a handful are there.  Said it's like a ghost town there now.  He has 2 weeks off from school.  I asked him if he got his package yet.  He said he will check today.

We talked for a long time.  He told me how much he has learned being in the military.  It was a good talk.  I still miss that boy.

There are no regular church services today.  Because our church is so large, they are having Christmas services today and tomorrow.  So, today I will pack up some stuff.  Get a little organized for our move.  Clean out some cupboards.  Take down shelves, pack up pictures.

So, for someone who has been dreading these holidays, it's not so bad.  All the pep talks I have been giving myself have paid off.

Yep, I can do this.

Ordinary people?

Thank you for your comments. And, yes, the fudge was Jack's idea. They always make me smile.   And a little humble.  You make me sound like a Saint.  Trust me, I'm no Saint.  There are times when I feel very sorry for myself.  And the "bad deal" that was handed to me.  I become someone I don't like.  I feel uncomfortable in my own skin when I get this way.  Lately, I have been able to recognize when this feeling is coming on.  And I try to avoid it like a head on collision.  Most of the time it works.  I get over it quickly.  Other times, not so quickly.

Like the tides of the ocean.

People amuse me and make me want to spit like a man at times.  Sometimes, when said people and I see each other, they will ask if husband has gotten better and gone back to work yet.  Yes, I'm serious.  I was actually asked that recently.  So, this is where the "I'm no Saint" comes into play.  The look on my face after they asked that stupid question gave them their answer.

We have a friend who was actually husband's friend in high school.  She is married with 4 kids.  I have always thought her to be a little kooky, but nice.  Her ideas and mine don't mesh well.  She will call often, asking how husband is doing.  A few months ago, she called.  As we were talking, she kept bringing up how we both are going through the same things.  I asked her what she meant by this.  She said, "Well, you know, our husband's are both dying.  We are in this together."  I got concerned and asked her was her husband OK?  What was wrong with her husband?  Very calmly and believing every word she was saying, said, "Oh well, B has Diabetes, so I know what you are going through."  It took me a moment to recover.  I didn't know if I should laugh or just tell her off.  She then proceeds to tell me that when he comes home from work (he's still working?, I'm thinking)  he's tired.  Yep, I got a real kook on my hands.  Last time she called, I saw her name on the caller ID and did not pick up the phone.

God really does have a sense of humor.  He puts these people in my life for a reason.  Maybe it's for a good laugh.  But I sometimes walk away or hang up the phone shaking my head.  Crazy, I mumble to myself.

Why someone would want to compare their situation with mine is beyond me.  Do they honestly think this is glamorous?  Are they jealous?  Of what?  Now, that's not normal.  Or, how ignorant one would think that husband has gotten over his "issues" and is back to work.  To me, that's just plain ignorant.

The tides of my life.  There are highs and lows.  I want to remember the highs and laugh at the lows.

The Perfect Gift

The days seem to just blend into another.  Every day seems the same as the one before.  Nothing good happening, but, nothing really bad either.  I just want this month to be over with so I can get us moved, settled and for once, relax.

All this Christmas cheer is getting to me.  Reading emails and other posts about how wonderful someone's significant other is, surprising them with wonderful gifts, lavish, sentimental, meaningful acts from the love's of their lives.

The only gift I would ever ask for is for my husband to be well and not die.  To have my husband back.  To have "us" back.  To live a normal life.  Forget the trips.  Forget the new wedding ring.

Of course, we all know that is not going to happen.  So, I am left with what I have.

I am sounding negative, I can see where one would have that perception.  And, well, maybe I am, but, I've had enough of the holidays and just want to move on.

Husband has been fading in and out.  One minute he's perfectly fine, then, in the blink of an eye, he's off in his own world.  It can take hours and sometimes even whole days for him to come back.  He stares blankly at the TV, sometimes remembering what the weatherman said, sometimes not.  It's so very cold now, too cold for him to go out in his scooter chair.

He lives for phone calls.  Loves to talk on the phone.  Sometimes he remembers he spoke to that person, other times not.  I will have to remind him that he spoke to someone when he asks about them.  He will get a confused look on his face, look at me sideways and say, "I talked to him?  When?"

He knows it's Christmas time.  Doesn't know when Christmas is, but, knows it's that time of year.  He said he is looking forward to Christmas dinner and the stuffing I make that tastes just like my mom's.  And my homemade apple pies.

 All is not so sad and lonely.  His face lights up when I mention Christmas dinner.  He remembers my famous stuffing.  And, those apple pies.

So you see, all is not lost.

Day of Silence

Today I will honor all those lost at Sandy Hook Elementary School.

Just existing

We have had a somewhat low key past couple of days.  Father in law and Lupe came over Thursday with a Christmas Basket for us.  There was a ham, fresh apples, oranges and bananas.  Lupe bought me some Christmas towels for the kitchen.  FIL also brought more wood.  What a nice surprise.

Husband is doing OK.  Asks a lot of questions about our move.  Memory issues are constant now.  Will forget what I just told him in an instant.  He was telling me he had taken a cough drop because he was coughing.  Only, he forgot drop.  Was stumbling over the word "cough", but could not remember that drop followed cough.  I have to constantly fill in where he leaves off now.  I do it like it's a normal thing to do, not make a big deal about it.  It's second nature to me now.

It's so very cold outside so we have been staying inside.  I do have to go to the post office today to mail Jack's fudge.  I made it yesterday along with homemade banana muffins.  He called last night and is excited to get his package.  I still miss him.

I have been looking online for recliners.  I have found some at K-Mart, reasonable priced.  Only, the sale goes off today.  There's always after Christmas sales.

Not a lot going on in our household.  Days are blending into another.  Surviving.  Lonely at times.  Sad at times.  I have been using the fireplace every afternoon, into the night.  It's so cold.

Isn't it just like my life now.  Keeping the home fires burning.

Shooting at school

My heart is heavy today.

Makes you wonder just what this world is coming to.  I am so glad I have no more young ones in school.

You can't go to the movies.  You can't go to the mall.  It's dangerous in the workplace.

Now, it's a risk to send your children to school?

My God.

A quick post

I've been trying to get on here and post but, well, life has gotten in the way, so, here I am 2 days later.

I have started to get ready for our move.  No Christmas lights, tree or anything related to Christmas around my house this year.  It's a little difficult for me to drive down my street and see all the lights and beautiful decorated Christmas trees in neighbor's windows, then, I drive up to my sad, dark looking house and get a twinge in my chest.  But, then I think about the new apartment and how my finances will improve and the sadness goes away.  Like I've said before:  I'm in survival mode.

Husband has been OK.  A little lost at times throughout the day.  Not really with it, but, not really gone either.  He keeps asking me when are we moving.  I tell him, many times per day.  He knows it's the Christmas season, but, doesn't know when Christmas actually is.

Tyler & Susie bought new living room furniture and Tyler told me to go look at what they have in recliners.  I'm going to surprise husband and take him this morning.  It's a real chore taking him anywhere, but, it'll get him out of the house and I do want to see what they have.  It has to be reasonable in price.

I'm making homemade fudge and sending Jack a care package.  Have to get that done as well.

So, life is continuing on.  Many changes, many challenges.  I've been having good days and bad days.  I have to keep going.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.

I just have to get there.

Hurry January

We had a quiet weekend.  The arctic cold air promised on Friday night hit with full force.  It was 8 degrees this morning.  Bitter, bitter cold.

Father in law came over Saturday to get husband's tools to store for us.  We will have no room in the apartment.  He brought us some firewood.  I burned it all yesterday.  A nice, steady fire all day and into last night.  the only thing I will miss will be the fireplace.

I dreaded calling my landlord and giving him my notice to move.  At first he was not happy, but, as we talked he said he completely understood, knew that I was going through a very hard time and said he understood.  I offered to show the house.  He was grateful for that.  I hope it rents out quickly as he is one heck of a nice guy.

He has offered to buy my washer/dryer, stove & fridge.  One fell swoop!!   Yay.  We cut a deal.  He said he would be by today.  I hope he does buy all, that way I don't have to mess with appliances when we move.

Husband has been hard to handle this weekend.  It all started Friday night when he called me into the bedroom.  He was very upset.  He had an accident and wet his pants.  He told me a little girl was in the bathroom and taking too long and he couldn't hold it, so, he wet his pants.  I got out clean underwear for him, a clean towel, he took a shower and got into bed.  Later, it hit me.  A little girl in our bathroom?  Who was that?  Delusional?  Probably.

Difficult on Saturday with husband.  He forgot he took a shower Friday night, took another one Saturday morning.  Forgot he took one in the morning, took another that afternoon.  Took another one Saturday night.  Took one last night and is in the shower right now.  Oh well, he's clean.

I've noticed memory lapses more pronounced this weekend.  Talk on the phone with someone, tell him about it, then the next few minutes he would ask me if I had heard from so and so.  The same person I had just gotten off the phone with.  Exhausting for me.

I heard him talking in the bedroom yesterday afternoon.  A few short sentences, then, it was silent.  I don't know if he had "visitors" or what, but, he was speaking to "someone".  Went in the bedroom, he was watching TV.  He smiled at me and asked what was for dinner.

There are days and then there are days.  It's one big question mark all day, every day.  Once we get moved, Home Health Care will come 2-3 days per week.  It is then I will escape, go to Starbucks, have an espresso, window shop, talk to people who remember what I just said.  I will breathe fresh air.  I will be able to relax, somewhat.  I will try to act like normal people act.  I will be free, for a few hours each week.  Free!!

Oh yes, not only is this move a smart financial one,  it's also a good move for me.  I will be able to feel like a real person again.  Go where I want, do what I want.

And to think, all I have to do is, get through this month!!

Phone Home

Jack called last night.  He is thriving.  He sounds so good.  He has grown up so much.  He is loving school.  Said it was so interesting.  He has made so many friends.  He has met people from all over.

He talked with husband for a few minutes.   I heard husband tell him about his Dr appointment.  He told Jack the Dr said he was improving.  ???????????  Oh well, Jack went along with it.  I went along with it.

After husband handed me the phone back, he went back to the bedroom.  I talked with Jack for another 30 minutes or so.  Jack told me he has already had an exam.  Said he got a 90%.  Pretty proud of himself.  We talked about Christmas.  We talked about us moving.  It was a great conversation.

When I got off the phone, husband came out of the bedroom in his wheelchair.  I proudly told him that Jack had gotten a 90% on his first exam.

Husband had "the look", looked at me confused and said, "Oh, did you talk to Jack or did he text you?"  Not 30 minutes and he had already forgotten he had just talked with Jack.

Ah yes, Alzheimer's has a way of ruining everything.  Right down to a wonderful phone call from Jack.

Packing & Purging

Today is the day I will start to pack.  Again.  I am going to purge.  Everything.  With the exception of our bed, 2 dressers, 2 TV's, 1 TV stand and some personal stuff, that's all I'm taking.  Pots & pans, of course they will go with me.  Pictures, yes.

I am selling all of our major appliances, and 1 rather new queen bed.  With those proceeds, I plan on buying 2 recliners for the living room.  The rest I will be donating.  All of it.  Gone.

Is going to feel good not to have so much stuff.  I do not like clutter.  I like to live simple.  Our new apartment is small.  Really small.  At this point in my life, all I'm concerned with is making it financially each month, not having a big house.  Moving into this apartment will allow me to do so.  So, so relieved and grateful.

Let the packing and purging begin!!

Husband has been so so.  He is looking forward to moving and being able to "walk" the grounds of the new place.  It's handicapped friendly, he can watch the ducks in the duck pond and stroll the grounds.

Forget the ducks and the duck pond, I will find that hot tub!

In answer to your questions on the stages of Alzheimer's.  There are 7 stages.  As Dr A and I discussed, he is at stage 6, with signs of stage 7 creeping in and out.  Stage 7 can last a long time, or not.  We just don't know.  Everyone is different.

Dr A did ask me if husband was having delusions.  Yes, I told him.  He then asked me what time of day did these occur.  I told him after dark.  He nodded his head and said, "It's the beginning."  Stage 7.

Last night, as I was going to bed, husband had fallen asleep with his glasses on.  As I was taking them off of him, he opened his eyes and started telling me about pictures.  I have learned to not say, "what pictures?  What are you talking about?"  His speech was slurred, but, he was believing what he was saying.  I smiled, nodded my head and told him to go back to sleep, I would take care of the pictures (?) in the morning.  He smiled back and promptly fell back asleep.

Husband did tell Dr A that his mother & uncle "visit" him often.  Oh, the look on Dr A's face.  His face looked so sad, yet, he smiled and said, "Oh good.  Glad to see that you are having visitors."  I have never actually "seen" the "visitors".  But, when this happens, I feel something.  A presence.

Yep, I feel em'.

Hear ye, Hear ye

Sorry for the delay in updates.  I have been so busy, by the time I think about posting, it's 7 PM.

Dr's appointment:  Actually, it went well.  Dr was mostly concerned about weight loss.  Husband took the usual tests, with Dr adding some he had never done before.  Of course husband did not pass, but, I could see that his memory is still somewhat intact.  Dr said there has been a decline, but, not too frightening.  It's to be expected.

Dr asked me if I was still working, said he couldn't remember if I had quit.  I told him I was at home with husband.  Said it was a good thing, because, husband is not to be left alone anymore.  With the exception of running to the store, in this stage, it would be too dangerous to leave him alone.  I asked him what stage, he said he feels it's stage 6, with stage 7 peeking it's head around the corner.  Told me husband was a fighter.

I felt good about our appointment.  Husband did very well and did not pad the truth like he has done before. He seemed relaxed around Dr A.

When we were discussing memory issues, husband told the Dr that he held on for Jack's sake, but, he said, since Jack left, he has noticed that he doesn't fight it anymore.  Dr nodded his head and told husband to let nature take it's course.

He goes back in 6 months.  I was told to not let him go for "walks" in his scooter chair alone anymore.  He said confusion could set in and husband could wander and get lost.  Being that we live close to a heavily traffic area, well, you get the picture.

In other news, we got approved for our apartment.  We move January 12th.  I am relieved to say the least.  Boy, trying to get in an apartment is almost like trying to buy a home nowadays.  Credit check, background check, you name it, they do it.  Luckily, I don't have bad credit, am not a convicted felon and have never been evicted.

The apartment comes with stove & fridge, so, I will sell mine.  I need to get enough money so I can buy the 2 recliners for the living room.

Husband and I are both looking forward to this move.  It won't be a hard move, as this apt is small, with only 1 bedroom and 1 bathroom.  I am donating so much stuff, it'll make this move quite simple.

All I want is husband comfortable, not stressing about bills, enough money to live on.  In this apartment, that will be made possible.

Oh, on the brochure I got, it gives the layout of the whole complex.  It says there are two outdoor hot tubs.  First night we are there I'm on a quest to find that!!!  Oh, just imagine that, me, in a hot tub, relaxing.  Why, I won't know what to do with myself in a relaxed state of mind.  Been so long.

Now that, as Martha Stewart would say, is a good thing!!

Paradise?

We see Dr A this morning.  Husband does not like going to see the Dr.  Can't blame him.  Every time he goes, Dr A gives him little tests, making husband uncomfortable.  He can't "pass" these little tests.

If I get a chance, I will ask Dr what stage are we in.  I have to know.

After the Dr's appointment, I take our application up to the new apartments.  I will know if we are approved some time this afternoon.  Pray!!

Yesterday, after church, as I was lifting the wheelchair back into the car, I got the bright idea to put it in the way Kristen does.  It fits better when she does it.  So, I lifted it up fast and the handles of the wheelchair came in contact with my mouth.  It hit so hard, it knocked me silly for a minute.  For a moment, I thought it had knocked a tooth loose.  That hurt.

I put my hands over my mouth and let out a small cry.  Husband heard me, asked what the matter was.  I told him.  He turned around to see me and got mad at me.  Said he would put the wheelchair in the car from now on. Really?

As I was lifting the wheelchair into the car, while my mouth was throbbing, husband was giving me a lecture. I had 3 seconds to wonder what would everyone think if I just walked away.  Away from this nightmare.  All of this.

I know why husband got mad.  He gets scared when I get sick or hurt because if something happens to me, who will take care of him?  It scares him.  But, he can't express that anymore, so, he shows his fear by getting angry.  I know that.  I get it.

As I got into the car, I felt like a little girl again, wanting to run to her mommy and have her make it all better.

Got home, put my big girl pants on and went about the afternoon.

Just another day in "Paradise".

Then & now

Yesterday was one of those days that tested me beyond my limitations.

Husband woke up in one of the most confused states I have ever seen.  His speech was slurred, he asked the same questions so many times, that, by evening, I was a complete mess.  I was so glad to see him finally asleep.  It was a pure test of my patience for sure.

In the middle of the night I woke up to hear him chuckling and talking to one of his" visitors."  That is one of the strangest things.  It's so quiet, that middle of the night, and to hear your husband talking with someone(?)  makes it even all the more strange.

This morning seems no different.  I happened to walk in the bedroom to see him getting into his medication, a pill he takes only at night.  He said he forgot to take it last night and was going to take it this morning.  I took the bottle away from him and told him it's only for nighttime.  Of course, he thought I was just being mean to him.  I have to find a safe place for his medication now.

When does this nightmare end?

And to think this is going to get worse?

His visit with Dr A is Monday morning.  I'm sure he will not be surprised at this drastic change in husband.

In June, I had to renew my drivers license.  Yesterday, as I was going through my wallet, I found my old drivers license from just 4 years ago.  The picture that stared back at me was a smiling, seemingly happy woman.  My hair was very long at the time, it was pulled up in a fashionably bun, my eyes were even smiling.  I pulled out my current license and compared the two.  This new license picture shows a woman, no smiles, short hair now, with a look of sheer pain on her face.  The woman looking back at me tells a story.  She looks so tired.  You can see pain on her face.  She looks so sad.  Her poor face is worn.

That woman is me now.

I sat down and cried.