Memories

I remember when I was a little girl, I was sitting on my Mom's lap.  It was past my bedtime, we had company over.

I was leaning against her chest, hearing her breathe and listening to her voice through her chest.  I remember thinking how soothing that was and how much I loved my Mom.

My Mother had a baby girl long before I was born who only lived for 10 days.  Throughout my life she talked about her.  Carol was her name.

For the last few years, my Mom talked of how she wanted to be reunited with my Dad.  She missed him so.

My Mom's last words to me were, "I love you very much, honey."  That was only 4 weeks ago.

And now?

My Mother's chest is silent.  The voice is gone forever.

She now is with her long ago lost baby girl, Carol.

And my Father, her husband.

I'm Ok.  Sad, yes.  But, OK.

There will be no services.  She will be cremated and a get-together at a later date.  I, obviously, am unable to travel at this time. 

So, for now, as I go about my day, thoughts of her will come.  Sadness will come, I will cry. 

But, I will think back to that one night, sitting on her lap, listening to her breathe and the sound of her voice.

And her very last words to me.

Comfort.

"The Call"

"The Call" came today at 2:45 Colorado time.

They said she went peacefully.

And so it is.

Just a Day in the Life

Today is my Wedding Anniversary.

I don't feel happy.  I don't feel sad.  A little twinge of bitterness maybe?  Perhaps.

I did not remind husband of the date as he won't get it anyway.

I will go about my day as any other day.  I will try not to let the bitterness creep up in my throat and have it rule my day.

It's just another day, I'll tell myself.  Because, in reality, it is.

My Mother is in the final stage now.  Maybe today will be the day I get the call?  Will I be even more bitter next year if the call does come in? 

Oh, life and it's many challenges.  Ups and downs.  Highs and lows. 

I had an anxiety attack last night.  Crazy.

Husband has been so so.  Once I get him up, bathed, dressed and fed, he will shuffle to the couch and sit in a stupor.  His head will fall forward and he will nod off until it's time for lunch.  Once lunch is over, he will shuffle to the bedroom, and fiddle with whatever he can get his hands on.

Yesterday, he had an old greeting card.  And, there he sat, for about two hours, "reading" this card from days gone by. 

It's something to see.  Where he can't read anymore, he can stare at something for hours.  I mean, stare and you can see the concentration on his face.  Actually, it's amazing to me.

So, today, I will do my laundry, make my grocery list, bathe, dress and feed husband, do dishes, change the sheets on the bed, tend to whatever and watch husband as he slips into the unknown world of Alzheimer's.

And, wait for "The Call".

So, here's to me, Happy Anniversary!!!

Date of Departure

My Mother is still holding her own.  Every morning I say to myself, "Is today the day of her departure?"  And yet, "the call" does not come.  She's a fighter, that gal.

I got a call earlier this week from an old neighbor in Albuquerque.  She wanted to know how husband was doing.  I told her.  She said, "He was supposed to die a year ago."

First of all, this neighbor is not my cup of tea, however, I thought it was nice of her to call and ask about husband. 

It didn't really hit me until yesterday.  Suddenly, I got mad.  And then I started thinking.

Do people really think this is all a bunch of malarkey?  Do people honestly think I'm making this all up?  For what purpose?  Money?  From who?  Publicity?  Sympathy?

After husband was diagnosed, I read somewhere that once a person is diagnosed with his rare type of Alzheimer's, it's about 3-5 years.  We are on year 4.

Dr A told me last June he gave husband 6-9 more months.  We are on month 9.

All I know is, my husband is dying. 

We have good days.  He will be in the here and now state.  Suddenly, like last night, he will ask me what our dog's name is.  I will tell him.  He will look surprised.

Husband cannot walk, talk right, see right, bathe himself, shave, brush his teeth, roll over in bed, dress himself, use a fork or spoon right, hold his head in a normal position, use a remote for his TV, control his bodily functions, dress himself, and, last, but, not least, retain anything.

So, you ask.  How much longer?  How come he is still alive?  When is he really going to die?

I. Don't. Know.

Only God knows his Date of Departure.

Next?

So, here I am.  It has been some time since my last post.  I needed time.  I am so tired of posting the same thing, over and over again.  It was just getting to me.  I needed some quiet time within myself, wanting to listen to my heart.

I have always felt that when my Mother passed, husband would follow soon after. 

My Mother suffered seizures beginning last Friday.  She was taken by ambulance to the hospital.  My Mother is now a vegetable, coming home today with Hospice.  There, they will be with my Mother until she passes. 

And so it begins. 

Being that my Mother is in California, there was no way I could travel to be with her.  Luckily, my one sister flew out from Phoenix, the other flew in from Oregon, and the one sister in California is the one my Mother lives with.  I was physically sick knowing I could not be at her side.  But, with husband being in his state, I could not leave him.  I am his everything.  Like a baby needing his Mother.

Maybe it was for the best, as she knows no one now. 

Husband will ask me about my Mother.  He was afraid I was leaving him and flying out to California.  When I told him no, he said he would "get scared if I left."

I talked to my Mother last Wednesday.  I told her I would call her on Sunday.  I couldn't keep that promise. 

And now?  I will never, ever be able to speak to my Mother again.  Forever.  That's a long time.  I keep running her voice through my head.  Memorizing her voice.  Remembering what she sounded like.  I hope I never forget her voice.

And husband?  He wanders the house, especially at night.  He is obsessed with the toilet.  I wake up and find him in the bathroom, flushing the toilet over and over.  He now likes to wear his glasses when he sleeps.  Tells me he can "see" better when he's asleep.  Just to name a few of his "favorite" oddities lately.

I don't talk much lately.  I like to be alone in my thoughts. 

So I play the waiting game.  Waiting for "the call" from my sister.   Once it comes, I will turn my attention to husband.

He will be next.