Invisible passenger

After 2 1/2 hours of working on my laptop, I finally got my internet fixed and cleaned up.  I was concerned that I would have to take it in and pay a lot of money to get it fixed.  Thankfully, that wasn't the case.  I apologize again for the lousy post yesterday.

While in California, having had 4 days alone, I came back refreshed and with a different mind set.  Gosh, just in those few short days I had plenty of time reflecting on the airplane and late at night after everyone had gone to bed at my sister's.

It's hard to explain, but, I'll try.

I have had a dread in my chest for about 4 years.  It's just been there with me on a daily basis.  During my Mom's Memorial Service, we were given a big white balloon, attached with a card.  We each wrote a message, and released them at the same time in her back yard.  While watching those balloons float up toward the Heavens, a burden seemed to lift from my chest.  I didn't recognize it at first, but, once again, settled on the plane, homebound, it dawned on me that this heaviness and dread was gone.

It has not returned and I've been home for over a week now.

Something else happened to me. 

I had never been to Denver Int'l Airport. If you get the opportunity, go to Denver Int'l, the place is huge!!  Tish took me, and, all the way there, I was a nervous wreck.  I couldn't put my finger on it, as I have no problem flying, even alone.  It was just such an uncomfortable feeling.

Once on the plane, they kept asking people with carry on bags to check them in at the gate, with no charge, as the flight was full with no available seats and overhead bins were filling up.  I had already had my bag in the overhead bin, so it was not a problem with me.

As I sat there watching people board, I became emotional and just so nervous.  Being that I had a window seat, I looked out the window and started whispering to my Mother.  I asked her to please be with me as I was so scared and did not know why.  During this time, the flight attendants kept informing us of the full flight and how there were no seats available, and, be respectful of passengers and the overhead bins.

We pushed off from the gate and started down the runway.  Tears were running down my face as we took off, with me still whispering to my Mother.

Once we were up in the air, I started reading a magazine, trying to relax.  I got a warm fuzzy feeling and looked to the seat next to me.  It was empty.  And then this overwhelming feeling came over me and I knew my Mother's spirit was sitting next to me.

What  a beautiful feeling it was.

Life without my Mother has been challenging, but, I now feel her.

Life with Alzheimer's is challenging, but, it is "Well with my Soul". 

Well, I looked at the date of my last post and I must admit, I'm ashamed of myself for not posting sooner. It's been a very busy 6 or 7 weeks. Excuse the looks of this post. There is something wrong with my internet search engine, so, I have to use a search engine I am not familiar with. Bear with me as I try to get this post up. I flew to California on the 16th of May for my Mother's memorial service. My sisters went all out for her final goodbye. It was beautiful. So many people came. After landing Friday afternoon, we went out to dinner. I had a little meltdown at the restaurant, feeling so lost without husband and feeling guilty for leaving him. I have not been away from him in 4 years. Needless to say, he did fine with Kristen. I had 4 days to myself, and it felt strange. I flew home on Monday, the 19th. Husband is holding steady. We have moments where he is fine and other moments where he s not so fine. I hate this roller coaster. Husband's birthday was the 23rd. He turned 49. I never thought he would see this birthday. I was teasing him saying next year he was turning the big five O. He said he would not see his 50th birthday. Huh, I've been told that before, and take it with a grain of salt. I have gotten past the thoughts of when will it happen, when will he die. Now? I take each day as it comes and do not dwell on the fact that yes, he is very sick, but die? I hardly think about it anymore. I m taking husband down to Albuquerque next Thursday, he wants to see his Dad. It will be a quick trip, coming back home Saturday, but, it will be nice for husband to see his Dad. I am also looking into getting husband into an Adult Day Care program. It will do him good, and me too. I pray I will be able to find one..Well, being that I don't trust this site, I am going to sign off for now. I promise to update more often. I am so sorry for not posting like I used to. I just get so tired of this life with Alzheimer's. It makes everything seem so gray. Thank you, faithful readers for hanging in there with me.