Not a whole lot happening here. I slept on the couch last night. Husband had a very rough night. As I lay on the couch, I kept thinking that maybe I should get twin beds. I can't sleep when he has a bad night, but, don't feel secure in leaving him in the bedroom alone. Plus, where am I to get money to buy new beds? Oh, I hate this, all of it.
Kind of at a loss about this. The jerking, choking and tremors are only getting worse. Even when Dr A upped his anti-seizure med, it just doesn't work. I have to call the Dr in a few weeks, touch base with him, see what he suggests.
I am feeling better today, so, I start the packing process. Can't wait. I looked around last night and, even with our garage sale, I have a lot of stuff. In the garage is another story. Husband will not part with any of his tools. He does not use them anymore and, being that we are going into a much smaller house, there is not a lot of room for them. So, I have to get firm and announce to him that this weekend, we are having a tool sale. End of discussion. In his healthier days I would never suggest he get rid of any tools. But now, they have to go. Will keep some of them, in case I need something, but, compressors, drills, air hammer guns, countless tool boxes and cupboards? For Sale.
There is a special tool box that my brother in law bought him many years ago. That goes with me. It was a Christmas gift from a special person, so, no, that will not be sold. Now, the hard part is not deciding what to sell, it's getting husband to part with them. I just don't have the room where we're going.
I hope to have the whole house packed up by end of this weekend. We can live out of boxes, no big deal. Just want it done. I am excited to get into the new place. Fresh new house. When we moved in here, things were different. Husband was not sick like he is now. In fact, he was fine. I know moving into a new house will not make this monster go away, but, for my sanity, I convince myself that we can build new memories in the new place.
My old boss has my Letter of Recommendation ready. I am going by the office to pick it up tomorrow. I haven't been back since I resigned. Will feel awkward. Maybe with this letter it'll get me at the very least an interview? There are days when I question, is going back to work a good thing or not? I'm just trying to survive. Don't know what else to do. It could be a good thing, or, it could be a mistake. I am not the kind of person who sits around and wonders about the "what if's." The only way I'm going to know if this is the right thing for me to do or not, is do it. Who am I kidding? I haven't even gotten a nod from anyone. Time will tell.
Let the packing begin!!
Husband's last camping trip
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Seasons
It has been 1 year since I began this blog. 1 year and 1 week to be exact. I've made progress, but, have also felt stagnant. In my first post, I said husband had about 1 year. Well, 1 year has come and gone and he is still here. If you read the first post, I associated his impending death to the leaves during the seasons. I thought that was fitting because, there are seasons for everything. 1 year I've posted, just about every day (well, maybe not every day, but hey, you know what I mean). Happy Anniversary to me? Why not?
Husband has been doing so well with the walker. I took him with me to the store yesterday. He told me he was just going to use the cane. Absolutely not, I said. Told him he was to use the walker or he would not go. He used the walker. He was able to keep up with me, slowly, but, no sudden falls, no staggering. With the walker, he now can balance himself, making his walking easier.
He told me he likes the walker! Geez, why didn't I insist on the walker before? Well, to my defense, I did, but, he argued with me. Since last week, I have taken a different approach to him. I tell him we are doing this or we are doing that, and, that's it. He agrees, may not like some of it, but agrees.
I took him to DMV yesterday also. I got him a State Identification card. Looks like a Drivers License. He was OK with all of it. Actually, I am so proud of his attitude lately. It seems like he has finally come to terms with what is happening and goes with the flow. Oh, don't get me wrong, he has his moments. But, now, I squash that immediately. I tell him I will have no more of this "bad behavior". Guess he knows I mean it now, finally.
On the job hunt side of my life, no calls, no emails. I am seriously beginning to wonder what this is all about. Does God really want me home? I don't know. Now that husband is pretty bad off, how can I leave him? But, on the flip side, the extra income is needed. I'm not frustrated about seeking employment. I am waiting on the Lord. I gave it to Him, let Him take care of it. What will be, will be.
Well, there you have it. I've got 1 year and 1 week under my belt on this blog. Husband is using the walker 100% of the time. I have still not found a job. We will be moving to a new place in 3 1/2 weeks (YIKES). But, best of all, my husband is still alive.
I'll take it.
Husband has been doing so well with the walker. I took him with me to the store yesterday. He told me he was just going to use the cane. Absolutely not, I said. Told him he was to use the walker or he would not go. He used the walker. He was able to keep up with me, slowly, but, no sudden falls, no staggering. With the walker, he now can balance himself, making his walking easier.
He told me he likes the walker! Geez, why didn't I insist on the walker before? Well, to my defense, I did, but, he argued with me. Since last week, I have taken a different approach to him. I tell him we are doing this or we are doing that, and, that's it. He agrees, may not like some of it, but agrees.
I took him to DMV yesterday also. I got him a State Identification card. Looks like a Drivers License. He was OK with all of it. Actually, I am so proud of his attitude lately. It seems like he has finally come to terms with what is happening and goes with the flow. Oh, don't get me wrong, he has his moments. But, now, I squash that immediately. I tell him I will have no more of this "bad behavior". Guess he knows I mean it now, finally.
On the job hunt side of my life, no calls, no emails. I am seriously beginning to wonder what this is all about. Does God really want me home? I don't know. Now that husband is pretty bad off, how can I leave him? But, on the flip side, the extra income is needed. I'm not frustrated about seeking employment. I am waiting on the Lord. I gave it to Him, let Him take care of it. What will be, will be.
Well, there you have it. I've got 1 year and 1 week under my belt on this blog. Husband is using the walker 100% of the time. I have still not found a job. We will be moving to a new place in 3 1/2 weeks (YIKES). But, best of all, my husband is still alive.
I'll take it.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Chapters in my Life
I sold the truck yesterday. God is working in my life. Folks, He is so real, so good, so consistent, so faithful.
Yesterday morning, there was a man who woke up and prayed to the Lord, asking for guidance in helping his brother. His brother had been in an accident, not his fault, totaling his car. This brother had recently lost his job as well. So, this man prayed and asked the Lord to guide him so he could help his brother.
I, in the meantime, had taken a call from the ad I had placed. This guy said he would be at my house in 1 hour. 3 hours later, I noticed a man looking at the truck. I thought it was the guy who had called. He came to the door, introduced himself, (was not the guy who had called), said he had been driving around, saw the For Sale sign and wanted to stop.
We took it for a test drive. He then told me about his brother, the accident, his losing his job, no money. He asked me, "Do you pray?" "Why, yes I do", I said. He told me he had prayed that morning to the Lord. He said, "I was driving down Homestead, and I was forced to turn right on your street. As soon as I turned, I saw this truck, and without my even knowing what was happening, I parked, got out and it's like as soon as I saw the truck, I knew."
1 hour later, I followed him to his house, just a few blocks away. When we got there, his wife came out and gave me a hug, then asked, "Do you pray?"
God works. Not in mysterious ways. It's no mystery to Him. He just....works.
The man drove me home. I walked in the front door and there was husband, sitting in the chair. He looked a little sad, so, I went to him and said, "Oh honey, I'm so sorry I had to sell the truck." He looked at me and said, "It's OK."
So, another Chapter in our Book of Life, closed. Another change. Another adjustment. Another decision. Another...............everything.
How many more Chapters do we have left? How long can this go on?
Yesterday morning, there was a man who woke up and prayed to the Lord, asking for guidance in helping his brother. His brother had been in an accident, not his fault, totaling his car. This brother had recently lost his job as well. So, this man prayed and asked the Lord to guide him so he could help his brother.
I, in the meantime, had taken a call from the ad I had placed. This guy said he would be at my house in 1 hour. 3 hours later, I noticed a man looking at the truck. I thought it was the guy who had called. He came to the door, introduced himself, (was not the guy who had called), said he had been driving around, saw the For Sale sign and wanted to stop.
We took it for a test drive. He then told me about his brother, the accident, his losing his job, no money. He asked me, "Do you pray?" "Why, yes I do", I said. He told me he had prayed that morning to the Lord. He said, "I was driving down Homestead, and I was forced to turn right on your street. As soon as I turned, I saw this truck, and without my even knowing what was happening, I parked, got out and it's like as soon as I saw the truck, I knew."
1 hour later, I followed him to his house, just a few blocks away. When we got there, his wife came out and gave me a hug, then asked, "Do you pray?"
God works. Not in mysterious ways. It's no mystery to Him. He just....works.
The man drove me home. I walked in the front door and there was husband, sitting in the chair. He looked a little sad, so, I went to him and said, "Oh honey, I'm so sorry I had to sell the truck." He looked at me and said, "It's OK."
So, another Chapter in our Book of Life, closed. Another change. Another adjustment. Another decision. Another...............everything.
How many more Chapters do we have left? How long can this go on?
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Super Bowl Sunday's past
I spent the day in bed yesterday. This viral infection is mean. Feel better today, will take it easy today. Have plenty to do. Packing up this house, selling the truck. Had many calls in regards to the truck. One man showed up yesterday, but changed his mind when he saw the truck was not a four wheel drive. Worse comes to worse, I have a few people I know that would possibly buy it, I have options. Just want it gone.
Husband seems OK. He stumbled a lot yesterday. His legs look very weak and skinny. He has not argued with me about tossing the cane and using the walker. I believe he has finally, finally come to terms? It's so much easier now that I think he has in reality, given up. Bittersweet. He has now gotten to this stage in this disease where he fought to good fight, but, is powerless to do anymore.
He began to talk crazy last night. I was still watching TV in bed last night when he came to bed. I thought he had fallen asleep when he turned to me and said, "We've got to put more stuff out". I asked him, what stuff? He said, "For the garage sale. We need to put more stuff out to sell." I told him that we were not having a garage sale. He looked blank for a moment, then said, "Oh."
He had a rough night. The choking was throughout the night, those tremors are different now. His whole body seems to vibrate. Nerve wracking for me. Scary too. I don't know what to do. On one hand, I don't get much sleep, on the other hand, I need to be near him, watching for seizures and heart stopping. Oh, the perks of all of this.
Today is Super Bowl Sunday. I can remember previous Super Bowl Sundays. The food, the laughter, the company, the fun of it all. This Super Bowl will be spent quietly, at home, no company. Jack has been invited to Pat & Christine's, they are having a Super Bowl party. Jack will have fun, eat the good food. He needs to go. He shouldn't have to stay here and be around this all the time. He's a kid.
So, on this Super Bowl Sunday I will call my Mother, deal with any issues pertaining to husband and have my memories of past Super Bowl Sundays. What fun we had. Never thinking something like this could happen to us. Life, as we knew it before, was so, so different.
This road we are traveling on is scary. I don't know which way to turn anymore.
Husband seems OK. He stumbled a lot yesterday. His legs look very weak and skinny. He has not argued with me about tossing the cane and using the walker. I believe he has finally, finally come to terms? It's so much easier now that I think he has in reality, given up. Bittersweet. He has now gotten to this stage in this disease where he fought to good fight, but, is powerless to do anymore.
He began to talk crazy last night. I was still watching TV in bed last night when he came to bed. I thought he had fallen asleep when he turned to me and said, "We've got to put more stuff out". I asked him, what stuff? He said, "For the garage sale. We need to put more stuff out to sell." I told him that we were not having a garage sale. He looked blank for a moment, then said, "Oh."
He had a rough night. The choking was throughout the night, those tremors are different now. His whole body seems to vibrate. Nerve wracking for me. Scary too. I don't know what to do. On one hand, I don't get much sleep, on the other hand, I need to be near him, watching for seizures and heart stopping. Oh, the perks of all of this.
Today is Super Bowl Sunday. I can remember previous Super Bowl Sundays. The food, the laughter, the company, the fun of it all. This Super Bowl will be spent quietly, at home, no company. Jack has been invited to Pat & Christine's, they are having a Super Bowl party. Jack will have fun, eat the good food. He needs to go. He shouldn't have to stay here and be around this all the time. He's a kid.
So, on this Super Bowl Sunday I will call my Mother, deal with any issues pertaining to husband and have my memories of past Super Bowl Sundays. What fun we had. Never thinking something like this could happen to us. Life, as we knew it before, was so, so different.
This road we are traveling on is scary. I don't know which way to turn anymore.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Phases
My children were raised to share. Be kind and generous, even to a fault. They all are. Even Jack, who decided to kindly share his viral infection with me. This stuff is nasty. And, can't even go to the Dr because there is nothing they can do. So, while my beloved son is celebrating that he is now cured, I sit here and feel miserable. Oh well, let's just hope husband doesn't get it. He's miserable enough right now.
The inevitable happened. Got a letter from Motor Vehicles. They have revoked husband's license. It was a real blow to him. I breathed a sigh of relief, said a silent "Thank You", to the One above. Husband said that he was going to go see Dr A himself and kick his butt. I said, "OK". Then, he said he just was not going to go see Dr A ever again. I said, OK". Just be glad folks, that I didn't invite you to our house for dinner last night.
I had made Tish's chili recipe yesterday. I was craving hers. She gave me the recipe and I made it. Delicious. Made me feel a little better. Kristen went out on a date, Jack got invited to Pat & Christine's house to watch a movie and husband fell asleep. Around dinner time, I went into the kitchen, dished up some chili from the slow cooker and told the dogs, (who were at this time drooling) "Mama's gonna eat some. They don't know what they're missing", all the while, my dogs are wagging their tails, giving me the "Please Mother, may we have some?"
look.
Husband woke up around 7, I offered to dish up some chili for him. He said no. He made a sandwich for himself. He came around after that. He's not happy, but, he has no choice.
Please know that I feel awful for him, but, to keep him safe, and others safe, it had to be done. Dr A didn't mess around.
As he sat last night talking to me, my heart really felt for him. He's a broken man now. First, he's told he cannot perform on the job anymore, next he's told he needs to see a Neurologist, then, he's put through a battery of tests, lasting 3 months. Then, Diagnosis Day. He's told he will die. He's told that there is no cure. Everything has been taken from him. The only thing he had left was his ability, or so he thought his ability, to drive. Well, that was taken from him by this monster as well.
I am hoping to get more calls on the truck. Had one yesterday, is still interested, but needs to see if he can find someone to install air conditioning in the truck. (It doesn't have AC) It pains husband to see his truck with a big For Sale sign on it. I know. But, it has to be done. I just want it gone. Once the truck is gone, I can close this chapter. Life will be different as we know it now. This phase we are entering into is the dreaded phase.
Husband has been stripped of his manhood. He now knows he can do nothing like he once did. Nothing. The cane is gone, replaced with the walker. His truck will be gone. Motor Vehicles revoked his license. He knows it's the beginning of the end, he knows.
And my heart cries out to God.
The inevitable happened. Got a letter from Motor Vehicles. They have revoked husband's license. It was a real blow to him. I breathed a sigh of relief, said a silent "Thank You", to the One above. Husband said that he was going to go see Dr A himself and kick his butt. I said, "OK". Then, he said he just was not going to go see Dr A ever again. I said, OK". Just be glad folks, that I didn't invite you to our house for dinner last night.
I had made Tish's chili recipe yesterday. I was craving hers. She gave me the recipe and I made it. Delicious. Made me feel a little better. Kristen went out on a date, Jack got invited to Pat & Christine's house to watch a movie and husband fell asleep. Around dinner time, I went into the kitchen, dished up some chili from the slow cooker and told the dogs, (who were at this time drooling) "Mama's gonna eat some. They don't know what they're missing", all the while, my dogs are wagging their tails, giving me the "Please Mother, may we have some?"
look.
Husband woke up around 7, I offered to dish up some chili for him. He said no. He made a sandwich for himself. He came around after that. He's not happy, but, he has no choice.
Please know that I feel awful for him, but, to keep him safe, and others safe, it had to be done. Dr A didn't mess around.
As he sat last night talking to me, my heart really felt for him. He's a broken man now. First, he's told he cannot perform on the job anymore, next he's told he needs to see a Neurologist, then, he's put through a battery of tests, lasting 3 months. Then, Diagnosis Day. He's told he will die. He's told that there is no cure. Everything has been taken from him. The only thing he had left was his ability, or so he thought his ability, to drive. Well, that was taken from him by this monster as well.
I am hoping to get more calls on the truck. Had one yesterday, is still interested, but needs to see if he can find someone to install air conditioning in the truck. (It doesn't have AC) It pains husband to see his truck with a big For Sale sign on it. I know. But, it has to be done. I just want it gone. Once the truck is gone, I can close this chapter. Life will be different as we know it now. This phase we are entering into is the dreaded phase.
Husband has been stripped of his manhood. He now knows he can do nothing like he once did. Nothing. The cane is gone, replaced with the walker. His truck will be gone. Motor Vehicles revoked his license. He knows it's the beginning of the end, he knows.
And my heart cries out to God.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Who's really in charge?
Eye exam went well for husband. There was a slight change in his left eye, did not respond to light well, and the Dr noticed he has what appears to be the beginning of Macular Degeneration. On top of everything else, Macular Degeneration? Please. Spare me. Spare him. Of course they know of his condition, so, she said to make sure his vitamins had enough Lutein in them. When I got home, I checked and they do.
Husband's total left side is more affected, more advanced than the right, so, it's only fitting that the left eye is now being affected. Husband has been declining so much, that on the way home he kept asking me if he had "passed" his eye exam. Seemed "proud" of himself when I reassured him he had indeed "passed". Ugh.
I decided to take matters into my own hands yesterday. I sat husband down, told him that Dr A has sent in a request to revoke his drivers license and I was putting the truck up for sale. Period. End of discussion. It went rather well. I told him how much I loved him and was doing this not to be mean, but, to protect him and others on the road. Oh, he tried to convince me he could still drive, but I was having none of that. Told him I was in charge of this family and had everyone's best interest at heart.
I next called the local paper and, funny enough, they were running a special on advertising this week. So, I placed an ad for the truck which they will run for 6 days. I also had Kristen make "For Sale" signs and put in on the truck. Tyler wanted the truck, but, has decided not to make any major purchases since he & Susie are saving for a down payment on a house. That's fine, it'll get sold.
I feel good about the way I handled this situation. Yes, it may have seemed harsh, but, I had to get my point across to him.
Last night, as I was watching TV, he came out and gave me a kiss, then said, "Thank you", for what?, I asked. He said, "for taking care of me, being there for me, loving all of us the way you do and making me see what needs to be done." Can we all lift our glasses in a toast?
He has not been this "with it" for a few weeks now. To hear him say those words to me almost made me cry. I got through to him. He understood, he took it like a champ, (really had no choice) and the day ended well.
Amen. Thank you, my powerful and wonderful God.
Husband's total left side is more affected, more advanced than the right, so, it's only fitting that the left eye is now being affected. Husband has been declining so much, that on the way home he kept asking me if he had "passed" his eye exam. Seemed "proud" of himself when I reassured him he had indeed "passed". Ugh.
I decided to take matters into my own hands yesterday. I sat husband down, told him that Dr A has sent in a request to revoke his drivers license and I was putting the truck up for sale. Period. End of discussion. It went rather well. I told him how much I loved him and was doing this not to be mean, but, to protect him and others on the road. Oh, he tried to convince me he could still drive, but I was having none of that. Told him I was in charge of this family and had everyone's best interest at heart.
I next called the local paper and, funny enough, they were running a special on advertising this week. So, I placed an ad for the truck which they will run for 6 days. I also had Kristen make "For Sale" signs and put in on the truck. Tyler wanted the truck, but, has decided not to make any major purchases since he & Susie are saving for a down payment on a house. That's fine, it'll get sold.
I feel good about the way I handled this situation. Yes, it may have seemed harsh, but, I had to get my point across to him.
Last night, as I was watching TV, he came out and gave me a kiss, then said, "Thank you", for what?, I asked. He said, "for taking care of me, being there for me, loving all of us the way you do and making me see what needs to be done." Can we all lift our glasses in a toast?
He has not been this "with it" for a few weeks now. To hear him say those words to me almost made me cry. I got through to him. He understood, he took it like a champ, (really had no choice) and the day ended well.
Amen. Thank you, my powerful and wonderful God.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
So,how's your life going?
Have had a rough couple of days. Today, I take husband in for his eye exam. That's always fun. When they ask, "can you see better here, or, here?", he sits there, smiling, ever so polite and says "yes." So, they ask again, and again. What would usually take about 30 minutes for an eye exam, for him, takes close to an hour. They are aware of his condition, but I cannot answer for him as I cannot see for him. Great joy in the morning.
Took husband to his Dad's house the other day. He started in again on his "belief" that husband does not have Dementia. Told me again that he has a spinal injury, causing his legs to not work anymore. We had a heated discussion, right in front of husband. It ended well, but, I told him I would bring his medical history for him to read, and asked him why he didn't go with us last week to see Dr A for himself. Told him when the Genetic Test results come back, I will get it in writing and bring to him. So frustrating. I told him I hate to burst his bubble, but, in elementary speaking, I told him his son has the same disease that killed his mother. Said I was tired of all of this, hard enough dealing with what I have on my plate, then I have you (meaning him) trying to convince husband there is nothing wrong with him and how fair is that to husband?
He came around after that. What else could I do? So, so frustrating.
I'm just not in a good place today. Frustrated with family members who refuse to believe that husband is sick, frustrated that I haven't found a job yet, frustrated that we are moving in 5 weeks and husband cannot do anything, frustrated with my life.
I look around at this house, knowing I have to pack it up, paint, clean out garage, do the yard work and move us to the new house. On top of dealing with a husband who thinks he can do it, and ends up falling or breaking something. And, on top of that top, trying to find a job. Ugh.
So, here we go to the Eye Dr now. Be still my heart!!
Took husband to his Dad's house the other day. He started in again on his "belief" that husband does not have Dementia. Told me again that he has a spinal injury, causing his legs to not work anymore. We had a heated discussion, right in front of husband. It ended well, but, I told him I would bring his medical history for him to read, and asked him why he didn't go with us last week to see Dr A for himself. Told him when the Genetic Test results come back, I will get it in writing and bring to him. So frustrating. I told him I hate to burst his bubble, but, in elementary speaking, I told him his son has the same disease that killed his mother. Said I was tired of all of this, hard enough dealing with what I have on my plate, then I have you (meaning him) trying to convince husband there is nothing wrong with him and how fair is that to husband?
He came around after that. What else could I do? So, so frustrating.
I'm just not in a good place today. Frustrated with family members who refuse to believe that husband is sick, frustrated that I haven't found a job yet, frustrated that we are moving in 5 weeks and husband cannot do anything, frustrated with my life.
I look around at this house, knowing I have to pack it up, paint, clean out garage, do the yard work and move us to the new house. On top of dealing with a husband who thinks he can do it, and ends up falling or breaking something. And, on top of that top, trying to find a job. Ugh.
So, here we go to the Eye Dr now. Be still my heart!!
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