I've been trying to get on here and post but, well, life has gotten in the way, so, here I am 2 days later.
I have started to get ready for our move. No Christmas lights, tree or anything related to Christmas around my house this year. It's a little difficult for me to drive down my street and see all the lights and beautiful decorated Christmas trees in neighbor's windows, then, I drive up to my sad, dark looking house and get a twinge in my chest. But, then I think about the new apartment and how my finances will improve and the sadness goes away. Like I've said before: I'm in survival mode.
Husband has been OK. A little lost at times throughout the day. Not really with it, but, not really gone either. He keeps asking me when are we moving. I tell him, many times per day. He knows it's the Christmas season, but, doesn't know when Christmas actually is.
Tyler & Susie bought new living room furniture and Tyler told me to go look at what they have in recliners. I'm going to surprise husband and take him this morning. It's a real chore taking him anywhere, but, it'll get him out of the house and I do want to see what they have. It has to be reasonable in price.
I'm making homemade fudge and sending Jack a care package. Have to get that done as well.
So, life is continuing on. Many changes, many challenges. I've been having good days and bad days. I have to keep going. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
I just have to get there.
Husband's last camping trip
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Hurry January
We had a quiet weekend. The arctic cold air promised on Friday night hit with full force. It was 8 degrees this morning. Bitter, bitter cold.
Father in law came over Saturday to get husband's tools to store for us. We will have no room in the apartment. He brought us some firewood. I burned it all yesterday. A nice, steady fire all day and into last night. the only thing I will miss will be the fireplace.
I dreaded calling my landlord and giving him my notice to move. At first he was not happy, but, as we talked he said he completely understood, knew that I was going through a very hard time and said he understood. I offered to show the house. He was grateful for that. I hope it rents out quickly as he is one heck of a nice guy.
He has offered to buy my washer/dryer, stove & fridge. One fell swoop!! Yay. We cut a deal. He said he would be by today. I hope he does buy all, that way I don't have to mess with appliances when we move.
Husband has been hard to handle this weekend. It all started Friday night when he called me into the bedroom. He was very upset. He had an accident and wet his pants. He told me a little girl was in the bathroom and taking too long and he couldn't hold it, so, he wet his pants. I got out clean underwear for him, a clean towel, he took a shower and got into bed. Later, it hit me. A little girl in our bathroom? Who was that? Delusional? Probably.
Difficult on Saturday with husband. He forgot he took a shower Friday night, took another one Saturday morning. Forgot he took one in the morning, took another that afternoon. Took another one Saturday night. Took one last night and is in the shower right now. Oh well, he's clean.
I've noticed memory lapses more pronounced this weekend. Talk on the phone with someone, tell him about it, then the next few minutes he would ask me if I had heard from so and so. The same person I had just gotten off the phone with. Exhausting for me.
I heard him talking in the bedroom yesterday afternoon. A few short sentences, then, it was silent. I don't know if he had "visitors" or what, but, he was speaking to "someone". Went in the bedroom, he was watching TV. He smiled at me and asked what was for dinner.
There are days and then there are days. It's one big question mark all day, every day. Once we get moved, Home Health Care will come 2-3 days per week. It is then I will escape, go to Starbucks, have an espresso, window shop, talk to people who remember what I just said. I will breathe fresh air. I will be able to relax, somewhat. I will try to act like normal people act. I will be free, for a few hours each week. Free!!
Oh yes, not only is this move a smart financial one, it's also a good move for me. I will be able to feel like a real person again. Go where I want, do what I want.
And to think, all I have to do is, get through this month!!
Father in law came over Saturday to get husband's tools to store for us. We will have no room in the apartment. He brought us some firewood. I burned it all yesterday. A nice, steady fire all day and into last night. the only thing I will miss will be the fireplace.
I dreaded calling my landlord and giving him my notice to move. At first he was not happy, but, as we talked he said he completely understood, knew that I was going through a very hard time and said he understood. I offered to show the house. He was grateful for that. I hope it rents out quickly as he is one heck of a nice guy.
He has offered to buy my washer/dryer, stove & fridge. One fell swoop!! Yay. We cut a deal. He said he would be by today. I hope he does buy all, that way I don't have to mess with appliances when we move.
Husband has been hard to handle this weekend. It all started Friday night when he called me into the bedroom. He was very upset. He had an accident and wet his pants. He told me a little girl was in the bathroom and taking too long and he couldn't hold it, so, he wet his pants. I got out clean underwear for him, a clean towel, he took a shower and got into bed. Later, it hit me. A little girl in our bathroom? Who was that? Delusional? Probably.
Difficult on Saturday with husband. He forgot he took a shower Friday night, took another one Saturday morning. Forgot he took one in the morning, took another that afternoon. Took another one Saturday night. Took one last night and is in the shower right now. Oh well, he's clean.
I've noticed memory lapses more pronounced this weekend. Talk on the phone with someone, tell him about it, then the next few minutes he would ask me if I had heard from so and so. The same person I had just gotten off the phone with. Exhausting for me.
I heard him talking in the bedroom yesterday afternoon. A few short sentences, then, it was silent. I don't know if he had "visitors" or what, but, he was speaking to "someone". Went in the bedroom, he was watching TV. He smiled at me and asked what was for dinner.
There are days and then there are days. It's one big question mark all day, every day. Once we get moved, Home Health Care will come 2-3 days per week. It is then I will escape, go to Starbucks, have an espresso, window shop, talk to people who remember what I just said. I will breathe fresh air. I will be able to relax, somewhat. I will try to act like normal people act. I will be free, for a few hours each week. Free!!
Oh yes, not only is this move a smart financial one, it's also a good move for me. I will be able to feel like a real person again. Go where I want, do what I want.
And to think, all I have to do is, get through this month!!
Friday, December 7, 2012
Phone Home
Jack called last night. He is thriving. He sounds so good. He has grown up so much. He is loving school. Said it was so interesting. He has made so many friends. He has met people from all over.
He talked with husband for a few minutes. I heard husband tell him about his Dr appointment. He told Jack the Dr said he was improving. ??????????? Oh well, Jack went along with it. I went along with it.
After husband handed me the phone back, he went back to the bedroom. I talked with Jack for another 30 minutes or so. Jack told me he has already had an exam. Said he got a 90%. Pretty proud of himself. We talked about Christmas. We talked about us moving. It was a great conversation.
When I got off the phone, husband came out of the bedroom in his wheelchair. I proudly told him that Jack had gotten a 90% on his first exam.
Husband had "the look", looked at me confused and said, "Oh, did you talk to Jack or did he text you?" Not 30 minutes and he had already forgotten he had just talked with Jack.
Ah yes, Alzheimer's has a way of ruining everything. Right down to a wonderful phone call from Jack.
He talked with husband for a few minutes. I heard husband tell him about his Dr appointment. He told Jack the Dr said he was improving. ??????????? Oh well, Jack went along with it. I went along with it.
After husband handed me the phone back, he went back to the bedroom. I talked with Jack for another 30 minutes or so. Jack told me he has already had an exam. Said he got a 90%. Pretty proud of himself. We talked about Christmas. We talked about us moving. It was a great conversation.
When I got off the phone, husband came out of the bedroom in his wheelchair. I proudly told him that Jack had gotten a 90% on his first exam.
Husband had "the look", looked at me confused and said, "Oh, did you talk to Jack or did he text you?" Not 30 minutes and he had already forgotten he had just talked with Jack.
Ah yes, Alzheimer's has a way of ruining everything. Right down to a wonderful phone call from Jack.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Packing & Purging
Today is the day I will start to pack. Again. I am going to purge. Everything. With the exception of our bed, 2 dressers, 2 TV's, 1 TV stand and some personal stuff, that's all I'm taking. Pots & pans, of course they will go with me. Pictures, yes.
I am selling all of our major appliances, and 1 rather new queen bed. With those proceeds, I plan on buying 2 recliners for the living room. The rest I will be donating. All of it. Gone.
Is going to feel good not to have so much stuff. I do not like clutter. I like to live simple. Our new apartment is small. Really small. At this point in my life, all I'm concerned with is making it financially each month, not having a big house. Moving into this apartment will allow me to do so. So, so relieved and grateful.
Let the packing and purging begin!!
Husband has been so so. He is looking forward to moving and being able to "walk" the grounds of the new place. It's handicapped friendly, he can watch the ducks in the duck pond and stroll the grounds.
Forget the ducks and the duck pond, I will find that hot tub!
In answer to your questions on the stages of Alzheimer's. There are 7 stages. As Dr A and I discussed, he is at stage 6, with signs of stage 7 creeping in and out. Stage 7 can last a long time, or not. We just don't know. Everyone is different.
Dr A did ask me if husband was having delusions. Yes, I told him. He then asked me what time of day did these occur. I told him after dark. He nodded his head and said, "It's the beginning." Stage 7.
Last night, as I was going to bed, husband had fallen asleep with his glasses on. As I was taking them off of him, he opened his eyes and started telling me about pictures. I have learned to not say, "what pictures? What are you talking about?" His speech was slurred, but, he was believing what he was saying. I smiled, nodded my head and told him to go back to sleep, I would take care of the pictures (?) in the morning. He smiled back and promptly fell back asleep.
Husband did tell Dr A that his mother & uncle "visit" him often. Oh, the look on Dr A's face. His face looked so sad, yet, he smiled and said, "Oh good. Glad to see that you are having visitors." I have never actually "seen" the "visitors". But, when this happens, I feel something. A presence.
Yep, I feel em'.
I am selling all of our major appliances, and 1 rather new queen bed. With those proceeds, I plan on buying 2 recliners for the living room. The rest I will be donating. All of it. Gone.
Is going to feel good not to have so much stuff. I do not like clutter. I like to live simple. Our new apartment is small. Really small. At this point in my life, all I'm concerned with is making it financially each month, not having a big house. Moving into this apartment will allow me to do so. So, so relieved and grateful.
Let the packing and purging begin!!
Husband has been so so. He is looking forward to moving and being able to "walk" the grounds of the new place. It's handicapped friendly, he can watch the ducks in the duck pond and stroll the grounds.
Forget the ducks and the duck pond, I will find that hot tub!
In answer to your questions on the stages of Alzheimer's. There are 7 stages. As Dr A and I discussed, he is at stage 6, with signs of stage 7 creeping in and out. Stage 7 can last a long time, or not. We just don't know. Everyone is different.
Dr A did ask me if husband was having delusions. Yes, I told him. He then asked me what time of day did these occur. I told him after dark. He nodded his head and said, "It's the beginning." Stage 7.
Last night, as I was going to bed, husband had fallen asleep with his glasses on. As I was taking them off of him, he opened his eyes and started telling me about pictures. I have learned to not say, "what pictures? What are you talking about?" His speech was slurred, but, he was believing what he was saying. I smiled, nodded my head and told him to go back to sleep, I would take care of the pictures (?) in the morning. He smiled back and promptly fell back asleep.
Husband did tell Dr A that his mother & uncle "visit" him often. Oh, the look on Dr A's face. His face looked so sad, yet, he smiled and said, "Oh good. Glad to see that you are having visitors." I have never actually "seen" the "visitors". But, when this happens, I feel something. A presence.
Yep, I feel em'.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Hear ye, Hear ye
Sorry for the delay in updates. I have been so busy, by the time I think about posting, it's 7 PM.
Dr's appointment: Actually, it went well. Dr was mostly concerned about weight loss. Husband took the usual tests, with Dr adding some he had never done before. Of course husband did not pass, but, I could see that his memory is still somewhat intact. Dr said there has been a decline, but, not too frightening. It's to be expected.
Dr asked me if I was still working, said he couldn't remember if I had quit. I told him I was at home with husband. Said it was a good thing, because, husband is not to be left alone anymore. With the exception of running to the store, in this stage, it would be too dangerous to leave him alone. I asked him what stage, he said he feels it's stage 6, with stage 7 peeking it's head around the corner. Told me husband was a fighter.
I felt good about our appointment. Husband did very well and did not pad the truth like he has done before. He seemed relaxed around Dr A.
When we were discussing memory issues, husband told the Dr that he held on for Jack's sake, but, he said, since Jack left, he has noticed that he doesn't fight it anymore. Dr nodded his head and told husband to let nature take it's course.
He goes back in 6 months. I was told to not let him go for "walks" in his scooter chair alone anymore. He said confusion could set in and husband could wander and get lost. Being that we live close to a heavily traffic area, well, you get the picture.
In other news, we got approved for our apartment. We move January 12th. I am relieved to say the least. Boy, trying to get in an apartment is almost like trying to buy a home nowadays. Credit check, background check, you name it, they do it. Luckily, I don't have bad credit, am not a convicted felon and have never been evicted.
The apartment comes with stove & fridge, so, I will sell mine. I need to get enough money so I can buy the 2 recliners for the living room.
Husband and I are both looking forward to this move. It won't be a hard move, as this apt is small, with only 1 bedroom and 1 bathroom. I am donating so much stuff, it'll make this move quite simple.
All I want is husband comfortable, not stressing about bills, enough money to live on. In this apartment, that will be made possible.
Oh, on the brochure I got, it gives the layout of the whole complex. It says there are two outdoor hot tubs. First night we are there I'm on a quest to find that!!! Oh, just imagine that, me, in a hot tub, relaxing. Why, I won't know what to do with myself in a relaxed state of mind. Been so long.
Now that, as Martha Stewart would say, is a good thing!!
Dr's appointment: Actually, it went well. Dr was mostly concerned about weight loss. Husband took the usual tests, with Dr adding some he had never done before. Of course husband did not pass, but, I could see that his memory is still somewhat intact. Dr said there has been a decline, but, not too frightening. It's to be expected.
Dr asked me if I was still working, said he couldn't remember if I had quit. I told him I was at home with husband. Said it was a good thing, because, husband is not to be left alone anymore. With the exception of running to the store, in this stage, it would be too dangerous to leave him alone. I asked him what stage, he said he feels it's stage 6, with stage 7 peeking it's head around the corner. Told me husband was a fighter.
I felt good about our appointment. Husband did very well and did not pad the truth like he has done before. He seemed relaxed around Dr A.
When we were discussing memory issues, husband told the Dr that he held on for Jack's sake, but, he said, since Jack left, he has noticed that he doesn't fight it anymore. Dr nodded his head and told husband to let nature take it's course.
He goes back in 6 months. I was told to not let him go for "walks" in his scooter chair alone anymore. He said confusion could set in and husband could wander and get lost. Being that we live close to a heavily traffic area, well, you get the picture.
In other news, we got approved for our apartment. We move January 12th. I am relieved to say the least. Boy, trying to get in an apartment is almost like trying to buy a home nowadays. Credit check, background check, you name it, they do it. Luckily, I don't have bad credit, am not a convicted felon and have never been evicted.
The apartment comes with stove & fridge, so, I will sell mine. I need to get enough money so I can buy the 2 recliners for the living room.
Husband and I are both looking forward to this move. It won't be a hard move, as this apt is small, with only 1 bedroom and 1 bathroom. I am donating so much stuff, it'll make this move quite simple.
All I want is husband comfortable, not stressing about bills, enough money to live on. In this apartment, that will be made possible.
Oh, on the brochure I got, it gives the layout of the whole complex. It says there are two outdoor hot tubs. First night we are there I'm on a quest to find that!!! Oh, just imagine that, me, in a hot tub, relaxing. Why, I won't know what to do with myself in a relaxed state of mind. Been so long.
Now that, as Martha Stewart would say, is a good thing!!
Monday, December 3, 2012
Paradise?
We see Dr A this morning. Husband does not like going to see the Dr. Can't blame him. Every time he goes, Dr A gives him little tests, making husband uncomfortable. He can't "pass" these little tests.
If I get a chance, I will ask Dr what stage are we in. I have to know.
After the Dr's appointment, I take our application up to the new apartments. I will know if we are approved some time this afternoon. Pray!!
Yesterday, after church, as I was lifting the wheelchair back into the car, I got the bright idea to put it in the way Kristen does. It fits better when she does it. So, I lifted it up fast and the handles of the wheelchair came in contact with my mouth. It hit so hard, it knocked me silly for a minute. For a moment, I thought it had knocked a tooth loose. That hurt.
I put my hands over my mouth and let out a small cry. Husband heard me, asked what the matter was. I told him. He turned around to see me and got mad at me. Said he would put the wheelchair in the car from now on. Really?
As I was lifting the wheelchair into the car, while my mouth was throbbing, husband was giving me a lecture. I had 3 seconds to wonder what would everyone think if I just walked away. Away from this nightmare. All of this.
I know why husband got mad. He gets scared when I get sick or hurt because if something happens to me, who will take care of him? It scares him. But, he can't express that anymore, so, he shows his fear by getting angry. I know that. I get it.
As I got into the car, I felt like a little girl again, wanting to run to her mommy and have her make it all better.
Got home, put my big girl pants on and went about the afternoon.
Just another day in "Paradise".
If I get a chance, I will ask Dr what stage are we in. I have to know.
After the Dr's appointment, I take our application up to the new apartments. I will know if we are approved some time this afternoon. Pray!!
Yesterday, after church, as I was lifting the wheelchair back into the car, I got the bright idea to put it in the way Kristen does. It fits better when she does it. So, I lifted it up fast and the handles of the wheelchair came in contact with my mouth. It hit so hard, it knocked me silly for a minute. For a moment, I thought it had knocked a tooth loose. That hurt.
I put my hands over my mouth and let out a small cry. Husband heard me, asked what the matter was. I told him. He turned around to see me and got mad at me. Said he would put the wheelchair in the car from now on. Really?
As I was lifting the wheelchair into the car, while my mouth was throbbing, husband was giving me a lecture. I had 3 seconds to wonder what would everyone think if I just walked away. Away from this nightmare. All of this.
I know why husband got mad. He gets scared when I get sick or hurt because if something happens to me, who will take care of him? It scares him. But, he can't express that anymore, so, he shows his fear by getting angry. I know that. I get it.
As I got into the car, I felt like a little girl again, wanting to run to her mommy and have her make it all better.
Got home, put my big girl pants on and went about the afternoon.
Just another day in "Paradise".
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Then & now
Yesterday was one of those days that tested me beyond my limitations.
Husband woke up in one of the most confused states I have ever seen. His speech was slurred, he asked the same questions so many times, that, by evening, I was a complete mess. I was so glad to see him finally asleep. It was a pure test of my patience for sure.
In the middle of the night I woke up to hear him chuckling and talking to one of his" visitors." That is one of the strangest things. It's so quiet, that middle of the night, and to hear your husband talking with someone(?) makes it even all the more strange.
This morning seems no different. I happened to walk in the bedroom to see him getting into his medication, a pill he takes only at night. He said he forgot to take it last night and was going to take it this morning. I took the bottle away from him and told him it's only for nighttime. Of course, he thought I was just being mean to him. I have to find a safe place for his medication now.
When does this nightmare end?
And to think this is going to get worse?
His visit with Dr A is Monday morning. I'm sure he will not be surprised at this drastic change in husband.
In June, I had to renew my drivers license. Yesterday, as I was going through my wallet, I found my old drivers license from just 4 years ago. The picture that stared back at me was a smiling, seemingly happy woman. My hair was very long at the time, it was pulled up in a fashionably bun, my eyes were even smiling. I pulled out my current license and compared the two. This new license picture shows a woman, no smiles, short hair now, with a look of sheer pain on her face. The woman looking back at me tells a story. She looks so tired. You can see pain on her face. She looks so sad. Her poor face is worn.
That woman is me now.
I sat down and cried.
Husband woke up in one of the most confused states I have ever seen. His speech was slurred, he asked the same questions so many times, that, by evening, I was a complete mess. I was so glad to see him finally asleep. It was a pure test of my patience for sure.
In the middle of the night I woke up to hear him chuckling and talking to one of his" visitors." That is one of the strangest things. It's so quiet, that middle of the night, and to hear your husband talking with someone(?) makes it even all the more strange.
This morning seems no different. I happened to walk in the bedroom to see him getting into his medication, a pill he takes only at night. He said he forgot to take it last night and was going to take it this morning. I took the bottle away from him and told him it's only for nighttime. Of course, he thought I was just being mean to him. I have to find a safe place for his medication now.
When does this nightmare end?
And to think this is going to get worse?
His visit with Dr A is Monday morning. I'm sure he will not be surprised at this drastic change in husband.
In June, I had to renew my drivers license. Yesterday, as I was going through my wallet, I found my old drivers license from just 4 years ago. The picture that stared back at me was a smiling, seemingly happy woman. My hair was very long at the time, it was pulled up in a fashionably bun, my eyes were even smiling. I pulled out my current license and compared the two. This new license picture shows a woman, no smiles, short hair now, with a look of sheer pain on her face. The woman looking back at me tells a story. She looks so tired. You can see pain on her face. She looks so sad. Her poor face is worn.
That woman is me now.
I sat down and cried.
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