Keeping the home fires burning!!

Happy Ground Hog's Day!!  Seems the ground hog saw his shadow, so, we will have 6 more weeks of Winter.  Lovely. 

Moving to Colorado in the summer was a great idea.  I was not really prepared for the Winter here.  Of course, I knew it would be cold.  But, boy is it cold here.  I am actually pretty proud of myself driving in the snow here.   Considering I haven't caused one accident, I think I am adjusting well.

Also, I've become quite the expert in getting and keeping a nice fire going in the fireplace.  Every time I am starting a fire, I think of the contestants on the reality show, Survivor.  Ha, maybe I should apply on that show?  I'd keep the home fires going even in the jungle!!

I know, I know,  we need to "talk" about husband.  Only, I don't want to.  I want to pretend that all is well and I am surviving my first Winter here in the great state of Colorado.

Only I know we can't avoid the subject, right?

Husband, in a nutshell, is declining rapidly now.  Let's see, maybe I should just give you a rundown. 

Here goes:

Eyesight has all but gone.  No longer can he focus on anything.  When I talk to him, he will move his head around, looking for me.  Even when I am right in front of him.

At mealtime, I have to place the fork or spoon in his hand and close his hand for him.  He makes a big mess when eating.  Of course, the dog loves it.

Gets confused in the bathroom.  Cannot distinguish between the toilet and bathtub.  Always tells me the toilet is broken. 

Constantly wets himself.  Even though he wears Protective Underwear, he will pull his pants down and wet his pants.  3-4 times a day.

Speech his garbled at best.  Voice level is getting very soft.  Hard to hear at times.

Legs stiff.  A challenge when dressing and changing him.  My back will never be the same.

Lower lip droops, facial structure elongated.  Holds head in an abnormal angle.

Night terrors.  To date, that is one of the hardest.  They start at sunset and disappear by sunrise.  Some nights are better than others.  He may wander the apartment, or, scream that we need to get out of here, or, a little kid has taken his soda, or, the dog(s) are lost, or, "someone" is bugging him, or, he has to go to work, or, his saw just broke, I could go on and on, those are just a few of the most recent nights.

And me, you ask?

I'm keeping the home fires burning.

Want a little honesty?

Yes, I realize it's the middle of January, and yes, my last post was the 1st of January. 

We had gone up to Denver for a nice visit with my niece and her family on the 2nd.  We had a great day.  Kim got me aside and said how well husband seemed to be responding to her.  I was surprised too, but, glad he was enjoying himself.

The next day he woke up and stated hallucinating, not bad hallucinations, but, completely out of touch.  After 6 days of this non stop, he seemed to come out of it, but, now, is more quiet, still hallucinating some moments, then back to his reality, then slips back again.  All day, every day.

Fun.

We have an appointment at Memorial Neurology Clinic on the 4th of Feb.  Going to check them out, and, if I feel more comfortable there, then, I will switch him. 

Husband, I feel, needs stronger, more effective medicine, especially at night, to help him sleep. 

Unfortunately, his Neurologist would do nothing when I called.  So, I called Dr A in Albuquerque who called me back and agreed with me that he does in fact, need a stronger drug to help in these end days.  Luckily, he referred me to Memorial and I can't wait to meet this Dr.  I hear it's a good place to go.

Hey, I'm not looking for a cure, as the other Neurologist suggested, I just want him to be more relaxed, drugged, if you will, to keep him calm.

I never believed in taking or giving high powered drugs.  It was just never my style.  That was before Alzheimer's came to live in my house.  Now?  Bring it on.

Basically,  that's it to date.  Husband woke early, was talking about how "Santa Fe would work".  I have no idea what he's talking about.  I coaxed him back to bed where he's sleeping now.

I'm taking it like a trooper, but, I'm tired of taking it like a trooper.  Enough.

I know a lot of you are praying for us.  Thank you.  Now, my prayer request is let him go.  It's time.

You know it's bad when, every morning when I wake up, I go to his bed and find him still breathing.

And, every morning, when I find him still breathing, I shed a tear and ask God to take him.  He's suffered enough. 

Hey, you want honesty?  You've come to the right place. 

2014

Happy New Year!

I am glad to see 2013 behind me. 

Of course we had a quiet evening last night.  Husband has begun to have the dreaded night terrors again.  They are something.  I don't get much sleep.

He has mostly been in his own world, with an occasional dose of reality, then, slips quietly back away from me.  He has been sleeping more during the day.

When he looks at me, his eyes no longer focus.  One eye will be slightly turned up while the other will be staring blankly ahead.

He thinks we have 2-3 dogs.  Still.  When I am with our dog, he will ask where the other one is.  I usually tell him the other one is sleeping.  No need to correct him.  It wouldn't make sense to him anyways.

Husband, for some reason, thinks he wears dog tags.  Where that one came from is beyond me.  He will ask where his dog tags are and I tell him they are put away.  Again, better to go along with it.

He has started to take the batteries out of his flashlight, puts the cap back on then says his flashlight is "broken".  That is maddening.

In fact, everything is broken.

He gets scared and asks me if the windows are locked.  Are the doors locked too? 

2014 for me will bring big changes, for sure.  I actually have Peace about this new year.  I know it will make me a widow, and, I'm OK with that.  Hey, it is what it is.

A new beginning.  A brand new year.  I'm ready for it! 
 

Christmas 2013

Merry Christmas.

Today, I will take pictures and treasure them.  Memories.  For me only.

It's kind of a sad Christmas, knowing what I know, but, it will just be different next year, that's all. 

Changes.  A Season for everything.

So, I will smile today, relishing in the warmth of family.  Taking it all in.

Today, as we all gather with our families, celebrating the birth of Christ, take it all in.  The smells, the laughter, children running around with their new toys, the mess, the wonderment of what Christmas is really about and memories of Christmas's past, relish in remembering.  All of it.

May your day be Blessed and filled with peace.

Just doing it

I know it's been awhile since my last post.  Just don't have much to post about anymore.

Alzheimer's continues to be the dominant force in my household.  There are no words to follow that statement.

While we will have some moments where husband is slightly in his right mind, it's only fleeting and he slips back into his quiet world.

He tells me that the dogs love to get on his bed, where they will fight for a spot on the bed, closest to him.  He says he loves it when I am getting him ready for a bath, the dogs will wrestle with him as he tries to get out of bed.  He says that one will be up at his head, one will be pulling on his arms and one will be at his feet.  He seems very happy when he tells me these stories abut the dogs.  He says the dogs love him so.  Only one problem:

We have one dog.  Not three.

As I was cleaning house yesterday, I walked into the hallway, looked into the bedroom, checking on husband.  There he was, "playing" with the dogs.  My dog was in the living room, with me.

To say that is disturbing is an understatement.

I woke up in the middle of the night the other night, to find husband standing up, holding on to his walker and asking someone(?) in a loud voice, "Can someone tell me where the bathroom is?"

He talks a lot to someone.  He will laugh with them, as if they share a secret.

I gave husband an early Christmas gift.   A new jacket.  Later, as I was taking him outside, I was putting the new jacket on him and he smiled and asked, "Is this new?  I've never seen this before."

So, if you're wondering how I am doing, please read the above paragraphs, again.

I feel as if I am operating on automatic pilot these days.  I just do and don't think about why I am doing. 

Christmas.  I don't feel great about it, nor, do I feel bad about it.  Lately, I don't think I feel much of anything anymore.   

If I had to stop and analyze my feelings, I think I will go mad.  It's better to be on automatic pilot.

 

A Christmas Wish

Marching on.  Gearing up for Christmas.  Ho hum.  I'm not as into the Holidays as I thought I was going to be, but, I'm not that bad either. 

Husband continues to be in his own world.  There have been some really sad moments, but, for the most part, life (or lack thereof) is moving right along.  You can really see the damage this disease has done.

When you talk to him, his eyes do not focus on you.  He will look in your direction, but always looks slightly to the right and upward.  It's disturbing.

He has, for some crazy reason, thinks he is supposed to lay on his bed at the foot of the bed.  He will put his head on the footboard, with his neck resting on the hard metal footboard.  And, he's comfortable doing that.  He also thinks he has always slept at the end of the bed.  I will get him at the head part of the bed, leave the room, go check on him within 10 minutes, and there he is, sound asleep, at the foot of the bed.

Tish came over yesterday.  He didn't know who she was. 

He is obsessed with a catalog we have.  It's a sporting catalog, with everything from hunting knives, to guns, bows and arrows and just a bunch of miscellaneous things for camping and hunting.  He has gone through it so much, all day, every day, that most of the pages are dog eared.  He tells me it's broken. 

In fact, everything is broken.  And, he wants me to fix it all.

Most days, everything is the same.  We've gotten into a routine, with this change in him.  He is, most days, oblivious to everyone and everything around him.  When it's time to eat, I will guide him to the table.  Once the food is set in front of him, I guide his hand to his fork.  He always looks at the fork and his food as if he's seeing it for the first time.  Always acts surprised that food appeared in front of him. 

So, for the most part, the Holidays are upon us, and, it's OK.  I'm not angry, I'm not sad.  I'm not happy, I'm just here.  Taking care of husband, counting the days until this is all over with.

That is my Christmas Wish.  Just let it be over.

"Hey, Joe"

I feel so bad for not posting in over a week.  I've gotten into a slump and come here each day to post, but, then, X out of it.  I have Alzheimer's to thank for that. 

Our Thanksgiving was wonderful.  I finally got the rest of our dinner and told myself to smile, think positive and put on a happy face.  Turns out, Pat & Christine had come up from Albuquerque and had been staying with Justin &M Anne in Parker, CO.  It was a surprise for me and it couldn't have been better.

The food was good, the company even better.  We laughed, told funny stories, shed some tears, Pat got a nice fire going in the fireplace, helped me with husband, watched some football and then we turned on Chopped on the Food Network and watched several episodes of that.  We looked at all the sale papers for black Friday, laughed some more and I took it all in, loving every minute of it.

They all came back on Saturday and we went up to Manitou Springs for dinner.  Walking the streets was magical.  Christmas lights were on, it was bitter cold, but, I didn't care.  They all took turns pushing husband in his wheelchair.  We would stop and look at shops, then, on to eat dinner.

I was so sad to say goodbye.  But, oh, what a wonderful few days it was.

I had to go to the store Wednesday, late in the afternoon.  We had a big snowstorm, and it was 3 degrees outside.  Walking up to the entrance, I saw the Christmas trees, with the smell overwhelming me.  There was a young guy tending to the trees, so, I walked up and asked how much they were.  He showed me the prices and before I knew it, I had bough a real Christmas tree!  He put it on top of my car, tied it to the rack, then asked me if my husband could bring it in from the car.  That took me by surprise, but, after fumbling around for words, I smiled and said, "of course."  He smiled and said, "Oh good, because, this tree is heavy and I know you couldn't get it off your car."

Once I got home, I looked at the tree and thought, "Well, you got yourself into a pickle now."  Went and got my kitchen scissors, back out to the car, stood there for a minute and busted out laughing.  There was no way I was going to get this Christmas tree off of my car.

Just then, two of the maintenance workers came by in one f the golf carts they use here.  I hollered out, "Hey Joe."  He stopped, I motioned for him toward me.  He stopped, turned around and came up to the car.  He looked at me, than at this big Christmas tree tied to my car.  He said, "What did you do now, Sue?"  I was laughing and said, "On a whim, I bought this tree and now I don't know how to get it off my car."

Thanks to Joe and Jeff, it is now sitting on my patio, in the freezing cold, waiting to be brought in.  Tish brought some decorations for the tree yesterday.  I had nothing.  She said they would be back tomorrow so Jace could put in on a stand and bring it in the apartment. 

As far as husband is concerned, well,  what can I say?  He is fading from me.  He is in his own world most of the time, but,  just to make life interesting, just when I think he's gone for good, he will surprise me with, "remember when.....?"

Looking at the tree on the patio yesterday, he said, clear as a bell, "The tree is pretty.  Glad you bought it.  I won't be here next year, so, remember how pretty this tree was next year, OK?"

Just what am I supposed to do with that piece of information, I thought,  So, I smiled and said, "I will, honey."

So, tomorrow night, when the tree is brought in and decorated to the hilt, I will turn on the lights and relish in this special Christmas tree.  I will savor every moment, file in my brain every detail of this tree.  I will post a picture of this special tree for all to see. 

I believe this tree called out to me.  And, on a whim, I bought it.  And, brought it home for husband.