"The Call"

"The Call" came today at 2:45 Colorado time.

They said she went peacefully.

And so it is.

Just a Day in the Life

Today is my Wedding Anniversary.

I don't feel happy.  I don't feel sad.  A little twinge of bitterness maybe?  Perhaps.

I did not remind husband of the date as he won't get it anyway.

I will go about my day as any other day.  I will try not to let the bitterness creep up in my throat and have it rule my day.

It's just another day, I'll tell myself.  Because, in reality, it is.

My Mother is in the final stage now.  Maybe today will be the day I get the call?  Will I be even more bitter next year if the call does come in? 

Oh, life and it's many challenges.  Ups and downs.  Highs and lows. 

I had an anxiety attack last night.  Crazy.

Husband has been so so.  Once I get him up, bathed, dressed and fed, he will shuffle to the couch and sit in a stupor.  His head will fall forward and he will nod off until it's time for lunch.  Once lunch is over, he will shuffle to the bedroom, and fiddle with whatever he can get his hands on.

Yesterday, he had an old greeting card.  And, there he sat, for about two hours, "reading" this card from days gone by. 

It's something to see.  Where he can't read anymore, he can stare at something for hours.  I mean, stare and you can see the concentration on his face.  Actually, it's amazing to me.

So, today, I will do my laundry, make my grocery list, bathe, dress and feed husband, do dishes, change the sheets on the bed, tend to whatever and watch husband as he slips into the unknown world of Alzheimer's.

And, wait for "The Call".

So, here's to me, Happy Anniversary!!!

Date of Departure

My Mother is still holding her own.  Every morning I say to myself, "Is today the day of her departure?"  And yet, "the call" does not come.  She's a fighter, that gal.

I got a call earlier this week from an old neighbor in Albuquerque.  She wanted to know how husband was doing.  I told her.  She said, "He was supposed to die a year ago."

First of all, this neighbor is not my cup of tea, however, I thought it was nice of her to call and ask about husband. 

It didn't really hit me until yesterday.  Suddenly, I got mad.  And then I started thinking.

Do people really think this is all a bunch of malarkey?  Do people honestly think I'm making this all up?  For what purpose?  Money?  From who?  Publicity?  Sympathy?

After husband was diagnosed, I read somewhere that once a person is diagnosed with his rare type of Alzheimer's, it's about 3-5 years.  We are on year 4.

Dr A told me last June he gave husband 6-9 more months.  We are on month 9.

All I know is, my husband is dying. 

We have good days.  He will be in the here and now state.  Suddenly, like last night, he will ask me what our dog's name is.  I will tell him.  He will look surprised.

Husband cannot walk, talk right, see right, bathe himself, shave, brush his teeth, roll over in bed, dress himself, use a fork or spoon right, hold his head in a normal position, use a remote for his TV, control his bodily functions, dress himself, and, last, but, not least, retain anything.

So, you ask.  How much longer?  How come he is still alive?  When is he really going to die?

I. Don't. Know.

Only God knows his Date of Departure.

Next?

So, here I am.  It has been some time since my last post.  I needed time.  I am so tired of posting the same thing, over and over again.  It was just getting to me.  I needed some quiet time within myself, wanting to listen to my heart.

I have always felt that when my Mother passed, husband would follow soon after. 

My Mother suffered seizures beginning last Friday.  She was taken by ambulance to the hospital.  My Mother is now a vegetable, coming home today with Hospice.  There, they will be with my Mother until she passes. 

And so it begins. 

Being that my Mother is in California, there was no way I could travel to be with her.  Luckily, my one sister flew out from Phoenix, the other flew in from Oregon, and the one sister in California is the one my Mother lives with.  I was physically sick knowing I could not be at her side.  But, with husband being in his state, I could not leave him.  I am his everything.  Like a baby needing his Mother.

Maybe it was for the best, as she knows no one now. 

Husband will ask me about my Mother.  He was afraid I was leaving him and flying out to California.  When I told him no, he said he would "get scared if I left."

I talked to my Mother last Wednesday.  I told her I would call her on Sunday.  I couldn't keep that promise. 

And now?  I will never, ever be able to speak to my Mother again.  Forever.  That's a long time.  I keep running her voice through my head.  Memorizing her voice.  Remembering what she sounded like.  I hope I never forget her voice.

And husband?  He wanders the house, especially at night.  He is obsessed with the toilet.  I wake up and find him in the bathroom, flushing the toilet over and over.  He now likes to wear his glasses when he sleeps.  Tells me he can "see" better when he's asleep.  Just to name a few of his "favorite" oddities lately.

I don't talk much lately.  I like to be alone in my thoughts. 

So I play the waiting game.  Waiting for "the call" from my sister.   Once it comes, I will turn my attention to husband.

He will be next. 

Keeping the home fires burning!!

Happy Ground Hog's Day!!  Seems the ground hog saw his shadow, so, we will have 6 more weeks of Winter.  Lovely. 

Moving to Colorado in the summer was a great idea.  I was not really prepared for the Winter here.  Of course, I knew it would be cold.  But, boy is it cold here.  I am actually pretty proud of myself driving in the snow here.   Considering I haven't caused one accident, I think I am adjusting well.

Also, I've become quite the expert in getting and keeping a nice fire going in the fireplace.  Every time I am starting a fire, I think of the contestants on the reality show, Survivor.  Ha, maybe I should apply on that show?  I'd keep the home fires going even in the jungle!!

I know, I know,  we need to "talk" about husband.  Only, I don't want to.  I want to pretend that all is well and I am surviving my first Winter here in the great state of Colorado.

Only I know we can't avoid the subject, right?

Husband, in a nutshell, is declining rapidly now.  Let's see, maybe I should just give you a rundown. 

Here goes:

Eyesight has all but gone.  No longer can he focus on anything.  When I talk to him, he will move his head around, looking for me.  Even when I am right in front of him.

At mealtime, I have to place the fork or spoon in his hand and close his hand for him.  He makes a big mess when eating.  Of course, the dog loves it.

Gets confused in the bathroom.  Cannot distinguish between the toilet and bathtub.  Always tells me the toilet is broken. 

Constantly wets himself.  Even though he wears Protective Underwear, he will pull his pants down and wet his pants.  3-4 times a day.

Speech his garbled at best.  Voice level is getting very soft.  Hard to hear at times.

Legs stiff.  A challenge when dressing and changing him.  My back will never be the same.

Lower lip droops, facial structure elongated.  Holds head in an abnormal angle.

Night terrors.  To date, that is one of the hardest.  They start at sunset and disappear by sunrise.  Some nights are better than others.  He may wander the apartment, or, scream that we need to get out of here, or, a little kid has taken his soda, or, the dog(s) are lost, or, "someone" is bugging him, or, he has to go to work, or, his saw just broke, I could go on and on, those are just a few of the most recent nights.

And me, you ask?

I'm keeping the home fires burning.

Want a little honesty?

Yes, I realize it's the middle of January, and yes, my last post was the 1st of January. 

We had gone up to Denver for a nice visit with my niece and her family on the 2nd.  We had a great day.  Kim got me aside and said how well husband seemed to be responding to her.  I was surprised too, but, glad he was enjoying himself.

The next day he woke up and stated hallucinating, not bad hallucinations, but, completely out of touch.  After 6 days of this non stop, he seemed to come out of it, but, now, is more quiet, still hallucinating some moments, then back to his reality, then slips back again.  All day, every day.

Fun.

We have an appointment at Memorial Neurology Clinic on the 4th of Feb.  Going to check them out, and, if I feel more comfortable there, then, I will switch him. 

Husband, I feel, needs stronger, more effective medicine, especially at night, to help him sleep. 

Unfortunately, his Neurologist would do nothing when I called.  So, I called Dr A in Albuquerque who called me back and agreed with me that he does in fact, need a stronger drug to help in these end days.  Luckily, he referred me to Memorial and I can't wait to meet this Dr.  I hear it's a good place to go.

Hey, I'm not looking for a cure, as the other Neurologist suggested, I just want him to be more relaxed, drugged, if you will, to keep him calm.

I never believed in taking or giving high powered drugs.  It was just never my style.  That was before Alzheimer's came to live in my house.  Now?  Bring it on.

Basically,  that's it to date.  Husband woke early, was talking about how "Santa Fe would work".  I have no idea what he's talking about.  I coaxed him back to bed where he's sleeping now.

I'm taking it like a trooper, but, I'm tired of taking it like a trooper.  Enough.

I know a lot of you are praying for us.  Thank you.  Now, my prayer request is let him go.  It's time.

You know it's bad when, every morning when I wake up, I go to his bed and find him still breathing.

And, every morning, when I find him still breathing, I shed a tear and ask God to take him.  He's suffered enough. 

Hey, you want honesty?  You've come to the right place. 

2014

Happy New Year!

I am glad to see 2013 behind me. 

Of course we had a quiet evening last night.  Husband has begun to have the dreaded night terrors again.  They are something.  I don't get much sleep.

He has mostly been in his own world, with an occasional dose of reality, then, slips quietly back away from me.  He has been sleeping more during the day.

When he looks at me, his eyes no longer focus.  One eye will be slightly turned up while the other will be staring blankly ahead.

He thinks we have 2-3 dogs.  Still.  When I am with our dog, he will ask where the other one is.  I usually tell him the other one is sleeping.  No need to correct him.  It wouldn't make sense to him anyways.

Husband, for some reason, thinks he wears dog tags.  Where that one came from is beyond me.  He will ask where his dog tags are and I tell him they are put away.  Again, better to go along with it.

He has started to take the batteries out of his flashlight, puts the cap back on then says his flashlight is "broken".  That is maddening.

In fact, everything is broken.

He gets scared and asks me if the windows are locked.  Are the doors locked too? 

2014 for me will bring big changes, for sure.  I actually have Peace about this new year.  I know it will make me a widow, and, I'm OK with that.  Hey, it is what it is.

A new beginning.  A brand new year.  I'm ready for it!