Where do we go from here?

Where do I begin?

I arrived home from California Tuesday.  To say I had a wonderful time would be a stretch.  My sister and her husband made me feel loved and welcome, but, half of me is missing.  Husband.

Two childhood friends came one morning and off we went to our hometown, Redondo Beach.  We visited the cemetery where their brother, mother and father are resting.  A very humbling experience.  Then, we went to our old neighborhood, where we grew up.  We went to our high school and hit the beach.

All three of us sat on a wall, looking out over the ocean, not saying much.  I think we were remembering our thoughts as young children, teenagers and young mothers.

We ate lunch at In N Out.  We drove around and laughed til we cried.

And, of course, Southern California was hit with a heat wave the day I landed, lasting the entire 2 weeks I was there.  Mix that with the smog and traffic, I was so ready to board that plane bound for cool, clean air Colorado.

My sister has 3 dogs that I adore.  They followed me around daily. I talked to them about husband and told them that he had gone on to Heaven and how I missed him, so much.  They would look at me as if they understood my heartache.  When I brought my suitcase out Tuesday morning, they looked so sad.   My sister texted me Tuesday night and said "the boys" were looking for me.

All in all, it was good to get away, but, so, so nice to come home.

And now?  I honestly don't know.  I think there's a song that goes, "Where do we go from here?" 

I will be looking for a new place to live in the Fall.  Too many memories here. 

My book is in the works.  I thought I would shut the blog down, but, for now, it will stay up, until the book is completed.  I may not post much, but, if you want to stay in touch with me, you can always email me, or, better yet, if you are on Facebook, send me a friend request.  Just look for Sue Lucero.  That's me.

Thank you all for caring.  It's been one heck of a journey, one I never thought I would travel or, better yet, live to tell the story.

My Story

It has been less than 2 weeks since husband passed.  Seems like an eternity.  I am still trying to wrap my head around all that has happened and how fast it all ended.

I sit on my patio every morning and talk to him.  The other morning, I was crying and talking to him.  I asked him for a sign.  I needed to hear from him.  I got up to go to the bathroom, came back outside and looked up at the sky.

As I focused more, I saw a straight line of a very thin cloud, stretching the entire width of my patio.  I had never seen such a straight line in a cloud and stared at it for a few seconds.  Then, right before my very eyes, angel wings began to come out of this straight line.  They were elegant, beautiful, wispy and Heavenly.

I started to cry, thanking husband for this sign.  I turned my head to take a drink of my espresso, looked back out my patio and it was gone.

That was all I needed.

I leave for California on the 4th of August.  I will be there for 2 weeks.  It will be nice to get away. 

The kids each got some ashes in individual urns.  I have a big one and 1 small one.  I plan on buying 2 medium sized ones, 1 for me and 1 for father in law.  I am taking the small one to California where I will release some into his beloved San Diego, in the ocean.

I am having a hard time with leaving my home.  After 5 years of caring for him, I can walk out my door anytime I want.  Another adjustment. 

I don't know where this blog is going, or, if I will continue it.  I always thought once husband passed, I would shut this down and start on my book.  I have made attempts at the book, but, husband was still alive then.

Once I get back from California, I will start that book.

I have a story to tell. 

Our story.

My story.

It's over

The Angels came for husband at 3:48 this afternoon.  It was a beautiful experience.

So long, love of my life.

I'll see you on the other side when God calls me home.

Thank you all for your love, prayers and support.

It has meant a lot.

I am going to California in August for a little staycation.  I will sit on the beach in my hometown and remember.

I will update soon.

The Long and Winding Road

Husband has taken a turn for the worse.

Hospice says 1-2 days.

He's home with me, family arriving tomorrow.

I am talking to him, he does not respond, but they said the last thing to go is his hearing.  Tish and Jace are spending the night with me.

I am afraid to sleep, for fear he will pass with me asleep.

It will be a long night.

I thought I was so strong.  I am not ready for him to go, but, I have to tell him it's ok to go.

God is here, I feel Him.  Angels are here as well.  It's crowded in the bedroom.

I will update when it's over.

Curtain Call

Last month, when husband saw Dr F in Denver, I remember when he told me, "Soon, he will slip into the unknown."

And, right on cue, husband slipped into the unknown.

This past week, walking has become nil.  With a great deal of pain beginning on Wednesday.  Wednesday night, husband and I pulled an all-nighter.  By morning, I was afraid for husband, so I called 911.

He was admitted and spent the next 3 days under observation.

At least I got answers.

As I was leaving the hospital yesterday, to come home and prepare for his home coming, they told me husband had a slight stroke.  Typical for end-of-life Alzheimer's patients.

Husband is now home.

On Hospice.

He is not aware of anything.  He has to be spoon fed.  He's on comforting medication.

Hospice has provided everything.  When I say everything, I mean right down to wipes.  Everything.

I am glad I made this decision.

Father in law is on his way up from Albuquerque as we speak.  Kids are coming today.  After all, it is Father's Day.

And now, we wait.  For in all probability, the next big stroke that will kill him.

This journey is almost over.  It's been a long one.  He's a fighter, but, this battle he just can't win.

I don't know what my life will be like without him.  I have no answers.

In my post on Facebook, I said, "It's been a great run", and it has.

This "play" is closing.  It's curtain call!!

A Milestone Birthday

Yesterday, husband turned 50.  So hard to believe.

He has now officially lived longer than his Mom, 2 Uncles and Grandfather.  None of them lived to see 50 years old.

He had a good day.  A little confused about all the fuss we made about him, but, he sure did smile and giggle a lot.

Never thought I would experience this.

But, boy am I glad I did.

I did not realize just how long it's been since my last post.  I am having trouble focusing on keeping up with this blog.  Just too much at times to actually sit here and "talk" about husband.

I went to my Dr two weeks ago for a check up.  Everything was fine, however, I broke down and asked for something to calm me down when the going gets rough.  Now, I am the one who doesn't even take aspirin, let alone drugs to keep me calm.  Yeah, it's gotten to this point.

I had been having nightmares.  These nightmares were so severe that have left me shaken and sweating.  Crying as well.

My Dr explained that stress can cause these nightmares.  So, he did prescribed a very small dose and to take when I feel I need it.

I took husband on the 6th to see Dr F in Denver.  While he didn't give me a timeline, he did say that it might happen fast now.  His words, "He's in the final stretch now".

I now have nurses coming 7 days a week.  It's so nice to have them here.

Husband, for the most part is gone.  This has happened so fast, it's been overwhelming at times.

After dinner, he will go into the bedroom so he can "watch" the news.  The other night, as I was turning on his TV, he said, "Turn on the big TV, not the little one."  There is only 1 TV, his flat screen mounted.  I asked him to show me the other TV.  He just waved his hands and said no more.  Now, every night, he tells me, "the big one."

He spends more and more time on his bed, sleeping.

He can be pretty mean at times as well.  Yesterday, he lashed out at the nurse.  Took her by surprise.

So, that's it for us. 

I hope and pray this will all end soon. 

I'm tired.