Multi-Tasking?

Husband got up rather early this morning. When he does that, you can bet your breakfast it's going to be a rough day. It has already started..........

Earlier in the week, I mentioned that I would like to detail the car before our trip. Just the usual stuff, washing, dusting the inside. Husband said he would help me.

Tish came yesterday and we decided to go to the Goodwill store this morning. Husband was sitting with us when we decided on a time. Later, I told him again that I was going around 9 AM today. He gave me a blank stare and nodded.

When he got up this morning, he said, "You better get ready, let's do it before it gets too hot". "Do what?", I ask. Looks at me like I'm crazy (now that, my friends, can be discussed at a later date), and says, "DETAIL THE CAR?" "Oh, I am going to Goodwill, but if you want to do it, fine". He says, "Well, you should've told Tish that we(?) (I didn't invite him to help me with the car) had made other plans". Now, most "normal" couples could have a really huge argument over this, but, in my world now? Change the subject. It's not worth it. So, I just said, "Well, there's always tomorrow", and leave it at that. It's easier than the alternative. You're not gonna win.

I have told him many, many times that we are leaving Saturday. A few minutes ago he asks me what day are we leaving. Big sigh, "Saturday".

We have a 55 gallon fish tank. I am ging to get more fish food tomorrow. There is enough food to last until Monday, but need to get more. So, he panics and "reminds" me that "we"(?) need to go get fish food, now. Ugh.

All of these conversations have been taking place as I type this.

Being the Mother of 7 children has taught me to multi-task. I can type, make sure the dog goes outside to do her business, check on my recordings for my TV programs for the day, listen to the dog bark outside at.....nothing and solve problems that arise in the World of Dementia.

My only saving grace? I get to go to the Goodwill store. For about 2 hours. With my daughter. And a 2 yr old. Yay for me.

Another World

This week has been a little strange. Jack is up in Colorado with his brother, Kristen has not been home, so it's just been husband and I.

How quiet my house is. Husband slept for the better part of the morning yesterday. Got up around noon and just walked around the house. Seemed confused. Didn't say much. Patrick picked me up around 5 to go get my car from the mechanic. Had the Tune-up done for our trip to Colorado this weekend. Mechanic said the car is in good condition, just needed the tune-up. That's good news, as this car has to last me for the rest of my life. No money to buy a new one. It's a good car.

On Monday, Tish followed me to the mechanic to drop off the car. Husband stayed home. Later, Tish came back and he started rambling about us taking the car in and we could just take the bus home. What? I told him I already dropped the car off, and, that Patrick would take me to get it the next day. He just gave me a blank stare. Tish looked at him, then me, and walked away.

This disease is taking control, I see it more and more now. It was OK for a few days last week, but, once again, when he seems to stabilize, that's a warning of things to come. The deterioration of his brain is evident now.

I am so glad that Jack isn't here. It's hard on him to see his Father this way. I can see the hurt in his eyes. He is in a place where there is just calm, relaxing, everyday "normal" stuff. He needs that right now.

I,on the other hand, need my "alone" time. When husband sleeps alot during the day, I get some "alone time", but knowing that my "alone time" is not normal when your husband sleeps for the better part of the day. I often think of places I could go, for the weekend, alone, and how I would so enjoy that. All that comes to a screeching halt when I see my husband wander around the house, in a confused state of mind.

So, here's to Wednesday. Half way through the week. Saturday, we leave for Colorado. It will be a beautiful drive up there. The scenery is just breathtaking. I look forward to that.

Until then, I will take care of the here and now. I will watch husband decline more into another world. I will be strong, swallow hard when he asks me crazy questions. I will watch him as he sleeps, looking for signs of seizure activity. I will remind him about our trip Saturday. And, I will close my eyes and imagine the beautiful drive up to Colorado, with it's peaceful mountains, trees, animals and think, "aahh".

All my Children

With Tish coming from Arizona on Friday, Justin & Anne also coming in from Colorado on Friday as well, what a weekend.

Saturday, all gathered at my house for a BBQ. Anne (my daughter in law) and I went to Costco to get supplies. Now, it is very dangerous for me to go to Costco, add Anne, and you have some serious shoppers. We did some damage at Costco. When we got up to the check out, Anne said, "Oh, by the way, I'm paying for all of it". That's Anne. So, I let her pay for it.

When we first got there, she said, "We didn't get you a birthday present, so, get whatever you want here". First thing I saw was the Big Screen TV's, then computers, then looked back at Anne. She had the look of, "Wait, what I meant was..............." That made me laugh.

I got a very pretty rug and two throw pillows for my couch. Love them.

The chaos was wonderful. Laughing, talking, eating great food, crying babies, laughing babies, entertaining, all of the above.

Anne & Susie (Tyler's Fiance) took pictures of all 7 of my children. As I sat there looking at them, I thought, "Man, that's alot of people".

Everyone left around 10:30 Saturday night. It was so wonderful, I sat for the longest time and just re-lived the whole day. I was exhausted and thrilled at the same time.

Justin & Anne left yesterday, taking Jack with them. He will stay until we go up there for the 4th. Next Tuesday we come home, bringing Jack back with us. I don't know if he'll want to come home. Tish is staying until the 23rd of July.

Justin & Anne took me aside, separately and told me how awful husband looks now. I guess if you just read it in a post, you really don't realize what's happening. Then, you see it, and the reality of it all sets in. They both told me that I look tired and worn, but my attitude is good.

Once they said that, I realized I am tired and worn. But I have to keep going.

What a good weekend and visit. I am still glowing. Can't wait for the pictures!!

Ah, now on to a new week!!

A Broken Woman

I have many cousins. One in particular, Linda, I have been close to all my life.

Linda is married with 3 children, all grown with families of their own now. Her oldest, took his own life last October. Of course I knew about it, but I could not attend his funeral as all of my relatives are still out in Southern California, and we had just gotten back from our California trip.

Because of my situation here at home, I never reached out to her. Well, I sent her an email the other day, she replied and it made me so sad. She is not doing well, he was her firstborn, they are still walking around asking, "why?" Her heartbreak was screaming out to me in that email. I feel so bad for her. He left 4 children. The two older girls still sleep with his sweatshirts, the two younger ones won't remember him.

And it got me thinking. Will I be like that once husband passes? She is a broken woman. I don't want to be a broken woman. I want to move forward in my life, and cherish what I had. It scares me. I don't want to hurt like she is hurting. Is it different when you have to bury your firstborn, regardless of his age? I think it is. Especially the way he died, by his own hand. My husband has no choice, a death sentence was given to him, he didn't ask for that.

Early, early, this morning, before the sun was even up, husband was talking to "someone". Carrying on a full conversation. Talking ever so softly, it was such a soft voice, one I had never heard before. I can't describe it. I would like to think he was talking to his Mother. I like to think she is "around" him now, I feel her presence.

When he joins her, I want to be strong. I will miss him, I will cry for him, I will tell the grandbabies about him, I will raise our son, I will grieve for him and all he went through.

I just don't want to be a Broken Woman.

TGIF?

When I worked, Friday was the best day. There was a light in my step, I dealt with the traffic differently, clients seemed OK on fridays', co-workers didn't annoy me as much, I seemed to get more done on Friday than any other day of the week, Monday seemed so far away.

The weekends were great. Get the house cleaned, start the laundry, get groceries, have some great dinners on Saturday night, watch movies, and, still there was Sunday to look forward to. By Sunday night, I had had enough of this staying home thing, and was ready for a new week to begin.

My Fridays' are now very different. It means the end of my daytime shows for 2 whole days, the house is clean everyday of the week, I get groceries whenever, I do laundry on Mondays' now, I cook every night, I don't watch many movies and Sunday is just another day.

Wow, what a vast change from just a year ago. When I worked, I used to think about other wives and mothers' who stayed at home, and thought, "that would be nice to be home all the time". Ha, be careful what you ask for. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

I quit work to be home with a husband who is dying. No sittin' on the couch eating Bon Bons, no casual eating out, (can't afford it), no nothing.

Instead, I have become a woman who now looks for signs of, seizures, falling, hallucinations, abnormal bleeding, having fits, dealing with a husband who acts like a 4 yr old, and dealing with my 16 yr old who is wise way beyond his years.

What happened to me? To us? It all started when I did my research on the Internet about signs and symptoms of a terrific disease and ended in a Conference Room at UNM Hospital, with a Neurologist beginning with, "I am so sorry............."

Fresh N' Ready

I post early in the morning. All is quiet, my mind goes places not possible the rest of the day. I think about everything. The past, the present and the future. The good times, bad times, happy times, sad times. I think about my family, my husband, my kids, my mother, sisters' and brothers'. I think about what the future holds for me. I worry financially. I make decisions, some I stick to, some I don't. I picture myself alone, with all the kids out of the house and my husband gone. Can I do this? I ask myself. I don't know, I answer myself. Will I wake up each morning and feel a dread? Or will I wake up each morning and look ahead?

Kristen got another part in a movie they are filming here. She is excited as it is a speaking part. She doesn't know what part she will play, has her audition this afternoon. Guess we'll know by end of day. She makes me smile, her future so bright. I remember me at her age. I already had a few kids, my only goal at that time was getting one kid potty trained, while waiting to birth another. The future at that time in my life was non-existent. Never thought about it, was too busy.

Now, here I am, all these years later, and the future is brushing my face. Here it is, ready or not. Where will I be a year from now? I think.

Today is a new day, dawning cool and clear. Today, I say to myself, I will look ahead to whatever. I can't change the past, I can only head forward, that's life. Don't know where that'll take me.

I do know a few things: That I loved my husband; that Familial Frontal Lobe Dementia is a horrible, horrible way to go; that I love my children with all of my soul; that those grandbabies are so, so precious; that I love my mother; that I love my sisters' & brothers'; that I do have a future, one that will not be spent with my husband, but a future none the less.

Another really cool morning. Someone, (Jack ? Kristen ?) turned on the cooler after I went to sleep, left it on all night. Jeez, it's freezing in here. I wanted to wake them up and yell, but, decided not to. It would wake up husband, then my long day would be even longer.

I BBQ'd yesterday. Husband sat at the patio door and "instructed" me on how to BBQ. I had to clench my jaw to keep my mouth quiet. I have always been one to just tackle something, no instructions, no directions, just do it. He, on the other hand, needed to "read up" on it, study it, then do it. Anyway, the BBQ was absolutely delicious, with no leftovers. Ha!!

For two days, husband has not slept most of the day. Don't know what is up with that. There has been some stabilization, somewhat. Memory has been OK. Walking has been more and more unsteady. Insisted on getting the mail yesterday, went out in just socks to the mailbox. I told him to use the walker or at least put your shoes on, but no, went out the way he wanted to. You know that commercial that shows people who are off balance because of issues, one where it looks lke they are walking sideways? Picture that along with some spasticity in the legs and you have husband now. Pitiful.

I want to get him a better pair of shoes. Maybe that'll help? Don't know. The shoes he has are New Balance, but because of his spastic gait, he wears shoes down in no time.

I spend my days thinking of ways to help and aid in his walk. Mainly, THE WAuLKER WILL HELP YOU WALK. It's going to take a real good fall, then, and maybe then, he will start using the walker. Stubborn.

Like I said, he has been more or less OK this week. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop though. It's coming, sneaks up on you, then, wham, kinda like pie in your face. Off we go to Never Never Land. Sometimes it's like cold reality, sometimes it's funny. Just. Never. Know. One thing's for sure, it keeps you on your toes.

Today will be a good day, I hope. I like these good days, but, it also spoils you just a little bit. Just when you think it's OK, you are suddenly slapped with a sudden dose of reality that this is real, it's really happening, he won't come out of this one kind of feeling and dread, makes you just deflate. Think, it was so nice while it lasted.

I just need to be grateful for these fleeting moments. One day, even that will be gone.