One final post

Saturday, April 30th marked 10 months since husband passed.  I have no words.

Unfortunately, for those who still read this blog, I will not be posting anymore.  There is nothing left to say.

I am trying to fit in a world that I feel has passed me by during husband's illness.  I lost me, I lost my husband.

I will be leaving Colorado sometime in the next year for Arizona.  I'm not sad to be leaving.  There are no great memories here.  Only ones of sickness and sadness. 

So, thank you for following me on this journey.  I hope, in one way or the other, I have told my story with heart and soul and pure honesty.

God Bless each and every one of you.

Summing it all up

Spring is just around the corner.  How is it that I have been without husband for almost 3 seasons?  We are coming up on the 9th month anniversary.  Maybe it's a good thing time is going by fast.

I have had about 7 good days.  Not happy, mind you, but, good.

Mostly, every day is the same.  I'm a creature of habit, so, my routine is simple and expected.

My daughter and son in law are moving to Arizona next year and want me to go with them.  They don't want me to be alone.  I resisted at first, but, decided to just do it.  What have I got to lose?  My memories here are ones of doctors and sickness.  So, Arizona, here I come.

I did take a road trip to Albuquerque 3 weeks ago.  I can't say it was a good trip, so many memories that almost did me in, but, I can check that off my list.  Sort of, "been there, done that".

I was watching a TV program some time ago, and, in it, someone asked, "are you happy?"  I started thinking long and hard about that, for me, personally.  The answer is, no, I am not happy.  It's not one of those complaining, whiney, feel sorry for me kind of "not happy".  It's just very simple and easy to understand.  I am not happy.  Oh well.

So, there you have it.  Let's sum it up:

Spring is coming.
I've had better days.
I am moving to Arizona next year.
Took a road trip.
And, I am not happy anymore.

Amen

Blooming?

I just read an old post from 3 years ago.  Wow, memories came flooding back.  Please, someone, remind me not to do that again.

I don't know why I am posting.  No one really reads it anyways.  Good therapy for me I guess.

Husband has been gone for 6 months now.  Hospice sent me a letter, on the 6th month anniversary.  It explained how usually once you get to that 6 month mark, more reality or finality become clearer.  It says you may come to a fork in the road, and it's up to you as to which way you should go.

I can honestly say that was true for me.  I am finding myself changing and evolving.  This church I have been visiting has helped me more than anything else.  I love the message and can't wait for each Sunday to come so I can go back.

Last Sunday, I joined the Grief Share.  It starts this coming Thursday.  I pray it will help me.

I am also wanting to get out and meet people.  I find myself wanting friends now.  I find myself wanting more of a social life now.  I actually went up to strangers at church and introduced myself last week.  Me, I did that.  Changing and evolving.

I am thinking of getting a part time job as well.  Trouble is, when they see the 5 1/2 year gap on my Resume and will probably ask me what I've been doing these last 5 1/2 years, I don't know what to tell them without crying.  How do I explain that one?  Tough stuff.  Who knows, but, the desire to work is becoming more of a reality and I know God is directing me.  It would sure help the income.

Life as I knew it is gone, but, I still get up each day, I still drink my espresso, I still talk to husband, but, I'm changing.  Ever so slowly, I feel this change in me.

Like a flower that has been in the dark for so long, light is coming to this flower and it's beginning to bloom again.

Yeah, that's me.

End of life, beginning of new year!!

Six months ago today, my husband took his last breath and passed.  I was right by his side. 
When I close my eyes at night, that image always comes to me.  It is burned in my brain. 

As we get closer to the new year, I am anxious for 2015 to be over.  Heck, nowadays, I'm anxious about everything.  Comes with the territory, I guess.

I forgot to mention in my last post that I did find a smaller, cheaper apartment.  I like it. 

In February, my daughter and I are going to take a road trip down to Albuquerque.  Get away, maybe do a Casino or two and try to relax.  I am actually feeling good about this road trip.

I am in the process of trying to get this blog published.  Anyone know of a reputable publishing company, where I don't have to pay an arm and a leg for publishing?  I feel it may be a good start.  I have not worked on the book.  It's hard for me to concentrate lately.

Some days, I feel so out of whack and others, not so bad.  Today, I am out of whack.  Probably why I am posting.  I find myself wandering the apartment, frustrated and feeling desperate at times.

The church I have been attending is starting a new Grief Share the end of January.  I think I will be the first one to sign up.  I really, really, need something.

I've thought of going back to work part time, but, don't know if I could deal with it.  Not after what I've been through.  Sometimes, the idea of working appeals to me, other times, not so much.  See what I mean about floundering?

Today, I am re-living husband's last hours and reflecting on the last year.  Hard to tell your mind to stop it when you fall back, look at the clock and think back to what I was doing this time, 6 months ago today.  Ugh.  This grief can do some pretty crappy things, especially when you least expect it.

Here's to a new year.  A new beginning, I pray.  A new life.  A better life for me. 

Getting on board!!

Gosh, it's been 3 months since my last post.  I had not intended to post anymore, but, felt compelled to do so today.

Life is, I don't know.  Hard, I guess.  With the Holidays', I've had a rough time.  Thanksgiving was awful for me.  With Christmas coming this week I am more excited for it.  But not in the way one would think.  I'm excited for it to be over with.  Wash my hands and be done with it.  I have made up my mind to smile a lot on Christmas, I don't want to put anyone else in a sad mood.  It's only 1 day, I tell myself.

I do smile.  I do laugh.  but, then, at the most unexpected time, grief will overtake me.  It can, at times, shake me to my core.  I hate it.

Husband has been gone almost 6 months.  The time has flown for me.  They say time heals.  I disagree.  It's hit me harder the last 2 months.  You never get over it.  I am learning to live without him, but, the hurt remains.  Still fresh.  Still just as painful.

I visited a Church yesterday.  It was really great.  I can't wait to go for Christmas Eve Services.  They have a lot of groups there.  One is Grief Share and another one is a Social Gathering each Friday night.  I'd like to check into both of those.  I feel the need to fit in somewhere.

So, for those few who still check in, I am doing OK. Not fantastic, but, not too bad. 

Life is going to go on, regardless of what happened.  I can either join in or not.  I choose to join in.  A little damaged, (no, a lot damaged) a little worse for the wear, a little sadder than most, but, I have to join in. 

Life is happening all around me.  I need to get on board.  I need a boarding pass.

Time

For those few who still stop by to visit this blog, I thought I would give a quick update.

I am not sad to see summer end.  It was not a good season for me.  Fall is coming to Colorado and it is beautiful here.  Crisp, chilly mornings, warm days and crisp, chilly evenings.  Good sleeping weather.

I find myself thinking about last year this time.  Comparing the then, to the now.  I don't think that's healthy, but, my mind won't stop.

My daughter, Kristen (who lives with me) was involved in a serious car accident on Sept 1st.  She was coming home from class when a company truck turned left in front of her, causing her to slam into his truck.  Unfortunately, the speed limit is 50 MPH in that area and she didn't have enough time to reduce her speed.  The air bags deployed and the car is totaled.

She was transported by ambulance to the hospital.  I got a call my daughter had been in an accident and was being transported.  I don't know how I managed to drive to hospital in one piece.  I had to drive by the intersection where the accident occurred.  Sitting at the red light, I watched as they loaded what was left of the car on a flat bed. 

I did ok until I was escorted into the emergency room by someone and then it all hit me at once.  I was taken back to June where husband was transported to the same hospital and died 2 weeks later.  I felt my knees buckle, but, had to be strong for her.

She has some serious injuries, but, with time and lots of physical therapy, she will recover.

So, you see, I am not sad to see summer go.  Enough.

I have good days and I have bad days.  I will be doing the laundry and all of a sudden, it will hit me that husband is gone.  I hate that feeling, it is so overwhelming and consuming that it's hard to describe.

Or, sitting outside, looking at the sky, I try to imagine husband in Heaven.  I'm sure my neighbors hear me talk to him or Jesus.  I'm also sure they have heard me cry a time or two.

I am actively looking for a cheaper place to live, preferably one with a small yard for my dog.  I pray throughout the day for this to happen.  I know He will provide me with one.  My income has been reduced due to the death of husband and forget about pinching pennies.  I have no pennies to pinch!!

So, prayers would be appreciated for a cheaper place!!  Thank you.

They say time heals all wounds.  I don't know about that.  I will never, ever get over husband's death.  My heart will never be the same.  I will never be the same.  But, with time, I know I will adjust to life without husband.  I know I will truly laugh again, I know I will truly smile again.

It just takes Time.

Where do we go from here?

Where do I begin?

I arrived home from California Tuesday.  To say I had a wonderful time would be a stretch.  My sister and her husband made me feel loved and welcome, but, half of me is missing.  Husband.

Two childhood friends came one morning and off we went to our hometown, Redondo Beach.  We visited the cemetery where their brother, mother and father are resting.  A very humbling experience.  Then, we went to our old neighborhood, where we grew up.  We went to our high school and hit the beach.

All three of us sat on a wall, looking out over the ocean, not saying much.  I think we were remembering our thoughts as young children, teenagers and young mothers.

We ate lunch at In N Out.  We drove around and laughed til we cried.

And, of course, Southern California was hit with a heat wave the day I landed, lasting the entire 2 weeks I was there.  Mix that with the smog and traffic, I was so ready to board that plane bound for cool, clean air Colorado.

My sister has 3 dogs that I adore.  They followed me around daily. I talked to them about husband and told them that he had gone on to Heaven and how I missed him, so much.  They would look at me as if they understood my heartache.  When I brought my suitcase out Tuesday morning, they looked so sad.   My sister texted me Tuesday night and said "the boys" were looking for me.

All in all, it was good to get away, but, so, so nice to come home.

And now?  I honestly don't know.  I think there's a song that goes, "Where do we go from here?" 

I will be looking for a new place to live in the Fall.  Too many memories here. 

My book is in the works.  I thought I would shut the blog down, but, for now, it will stay up, until the book is completed.  I may not post much, but, if you want to stay in touch with me, you can always email me, or, better yet, if you are on Facebook, send me a friend request.  Just look for Sue Lucero.  That's me.

Thank you all for caring.  It's been one heck of a journey, one I never thought I would travel or, better yet, live to tell the story.