What's in a name

Many, many years ago when I was a young mother, my oldest brother had become heavily involved in a Baptist Church. My mother also became involved and one Sunday, I decided to go. So, I packed up my 2 yr old and my 10 month old twins and off we went.

Now, I hate going to new places. Hate it. I always feel inferior, like people are staring at me, judging me and I used to think that I was sure to be the topic at their Sunday lunch or dinner. Don't ask me why I was that way, it's just the way I was. I still have a little bit of that inferior complex, but with all that's going on in my life now, I don't think much about it.

As I was saying, I met my mother in the vestibule of the church. She was rushing around helping other people. I asked her, "where do I sit?" She replied, "4th pew on the left. That's where we sit all the time". As I was walking down the isle, I thought that that would be a good title for a book and decided right then and there that one day I would write a book. This is the next best thing. I may turn it into a book one day.

Yesterday I went to the DMV to renew my husbands Handicap Placard. Last year, before diagnosis, the Dr did it for just 1 year. This year the Dr filled out the form and marked the box that said-Permanent. Final, permanent. When I got to the appropriate window and she was pounding away at her computer she said, "Ok, this is good for 4 years and you will no longer have to come in here. We will automatically mail you the new one". Then, it hit me. 4 years from now? He won't be here. As I walked away, I felt the same feeling come back, like everyone was staring at me and they all knew that my husband was dying, that when they send me the new one in 4 years, I will have to send it back.

Jack said last week that when he turns 18, he and a friend want to get their own apartment. After recovering my tongue from my throat and was able to think, the idea of actually living alone was a very strange feeling. In a way, it's exciting and in another way, I'll be alone, all alone. I have never lived alone, never. I have always had my babies. Not that my husband dying is exciting, but it will be a whole new way of living and I don't know how I will do that. But, I love to challenge myself so we'll see how this next chapter in my life will go.