It is what it is

As I've stated before, part of this disease is is being totally absorbed in oneself. When the "experts" say, "part", they should re-word that. In my experience with husband, "part" should be "whole".

I have always put others before me, must come from having 7 children, giving of oneself for the kids, husband and any others that have come to me. I'm not righteous, (I know, finding that hard to believe?), but, I do think of others, putting all aside for other people.

Time has come for me to be a little selfish. What do I want to do with the rest of my life? I have been thinking about that for the past week. My life is about to change drastically. I will no longer be married with a living spouse. I have choices as to where I would want to live. I can go wherever I want, well, almost, depending on how expensive it is. I will be able to do as I please. After Jack leaves home, it will be about me. I could get a part time job to keep me occupied if I so choose. I could get up at dawn without fear of waking up husband. I could choose to cook dinner or not. I could go to the movies at 10:00 PM if I wanted.

There is a whole new world opening up for me. Scared? Nope. Excited? I'd be lying if I said no. Sad? Of course. Someone has to die in order for me to be able to start over, a new life, a new challenge, a new me.
Would I change it if I could? Of course. I don't want to see my husband die. I don't want to see my son loose his father. I don't want to watch husband suffer like he is now. I don't want to see anyone suffer. But, I cannot change it. It is what it is. I have to accept it, continue doing what I do. And except it I have. I cannot sit here day in, day out, and feel sorry for myself. Never been one to do that. I do not question why him, why me, why us?

I knew in my heart 3 years ago that he was afflicted with this disease. I did my research. I knew when he was referred to the Neurological Clinic. I knew. Each test to rule out some other disease, I would tell Dr Q, no, that one will come out negative. It always did. Until, they would test for cognitive skills. I told Dr Q, yep, he'll fail those. He did, all of them. Every. Single. One. Of. Them.

So, you see, this isn't new to me. I knew all along. And, I was right. I have had this time to prepare. It didn't come as a shock. I knew.

Now, it's just a matter of time before he dies. And I have to go on living. And planning. It's not being selfish, it's called survival. The sun will continue to rise, life will go on. Other people will die, babies will be born. Cycle of life. I will cry, yes. I will mourn, yes. I will miss him, yes. I will hurt for my children, yes. I will hurt for his Dad, yes.

But, it is what it is.