"It's not you. It's me"

Yesterday was busy.  Not only did I do my usual Saturday cleaning, I put the rest of the stuff away.  Moved things around.  It looks nice in here now.

I had gone to Costco 2 weeks ago to get my usual monthly stuff.  I had bought bathroom cleaner, only, at Costco, you have to buy a big package.  The cleaner is tall, heavy cans that comes with 5 cans in a package.  I opened the package on the bathroom sink, took one out, and was putting the package back under the sink when one of the cans fell out of the cut package and landed directly on my big toe.  The foot that I had hurt several months ago when I had fallen outside at the old apartments.  The pain was unreal.  I put ice on it immediately. 

It is now swollen, stiff and beginning to turn a beautiful shade of purple.  There's also a cut where the rim of the can hit my foot with such force that it broke the skin.  Great.  Oh well, I can still walk, just have to baby the foot.  Again.

Husband was locked in his own world all day.  Because I was so busy, I tried to ignore him because I don't like this state.  He did, however, take a 3 hour nap in the afternoon.  I woke him up for dinner.  He ate all of his dinner and went back to his bed.  I turned on the TV for him.  As I was leaving the room he said, "What's for dinner?"  When I told him he had just had dinner, he looked confused, but, said nothing.

He slept all night which I am grateful for.  This morning he seems OK.  Of course, you never know when it will strike again.

I keep forgetting the real reason why we moved here.  Not for this beautiful state.  It is beautiful around here.  The mountains, the rolling, green hills, the Aspen trees, yes, it's really beautiful here.  Even the water tastes good here.  The fresh air.  The expansive blue sky. 

I brought husband here to die.  I have to keep telling myself this.  I try to get comfortable living here, but, then, I think back to when husband told me why he wanted to move here.  I am trying to like it here.  The people are certainly friendly.  I can't say I don't like it here either.  What's not to like?

I really need to get over the fact as to why we moved here and focus on husband and making whatever time he has left to be happy ones.  He says he is looking forward to our first fire in the fireplace.  I need to be like him, I guess.  He knows he's going to die.  And, he's OK with it.

It's me.  I'm having a hard time of it. 

Tish, Jace and the kids are coming today for a BBQ.  The pool is closing tomorrow here.  Husband is looking forward to it. 

Now, I have to put on a happy face.  I wear so many faces nowadays.  And, they're all so fake.  I hate being fake.  Now, if I can just remember where I put the "Happy Face" in this new apartment I should be good to go.