I am so sorry for the lack of posts. Life is giving me a run for my money and Alzheimer's is permeating the very air that I breathe.
Husband is not doing well at all. He has slipped further and further away from me. When he tries to speak, it's barely above a whisper, and pronouncing words is almost impossible for him.
He forgets everything. Everything. He will ask what's for dinner, I'll tell him. He will glance around the room and ask me again. Within 30 seconds.
Last night, I got his night diaper on him, gave him last pill for the day and tucked him into bed. Got a fresh glass of water, sat down, picked up the TV remote and he called for me. I went in and he asked, "Did you change me and am I ready for bed"? Took him about 2 whole minutes to forget I had just been in there.
The other night, while eating dinner, he turned to the wall and said, "Do you like it? It's good, isn't it"? Now, let me clarify something. When he talks to "the visitors", his voice and speech is clear and normal. It's almost a haunting sound. Not of this world.
I'm just........done with it all.
For some reason, I am missing my Mom. The ache I feel inside can really get to me. It will be 1 year on the 30th of March. Why all of a sudden now?
Sometimes it's just all too much for me to handle.
I know it's time to place him in a home, but, if I do, I lose his Social Security. I can't live without that money. So, I've picked my poison.
I was talking with an old childhood friend yesterday. She told me how often she thinks of me and cannot even process what I am going through. She said she has tried to imagine her husband with Alzheimer's, and said its just too painful to even fathom what it's like.
Yes, I know.
There is a movie out and Julienne Moore just won an Oscar for her part playing a woman who is diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer's. I have the book. It's called Still Alice.
Now, first of all, everyone is raving about this actress and the movie. I have seen the trailers for this movie. It's all bunk, I tell ya.
You want to come to my home and see it live and in person? Or, go to the movies and see a make believe story about someone afflicted with this monster?
Yea, what they should've named the movie is "Alzheimer's - Hollywood Style".
Yes, life is grabbing me and shaking me to my core right now. I'll be OK, it's just this rocky road right now is tough.
Hang in there with me ya'll. No place to go but up.
Dear Sunneysue!
ReplyDeleteI "found" you through Cari Chastein's (Andy's wife) blog and was immediately impressed by your courage, patience and endurance!I read your blog from the very beginning and I felt so sorry you have to go through such hardships for such a long period of time...No one knows how he/she would behave in your situation...But you - in my opinion - are an amazing woman who deserves much better! God knows it is true! I've been worrying about you lately - you haven't written anything for quite long.
I am praying for you!
With all my empathy! - Bobby, a middle-aged woman from Bulgaria (please, excuse my mistakes in English)
Anniversaries of loosing someone are worse, especially the first.
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't know how you do it. My father had it for ten years. He was in a nursing home the last 6 weeks. My mil is in a home now. She has dementia and cries all day long. So sad. I know that they won't take your home or car away when your spouse is in a nursing home but not sure of the details. You have to be so worn out. Is anyone helping you. So sorry. Hugs
Do you have anyone who helps you, or some kind of care calendar? If so I would like to sign up to give you a dinner. I could have pizza hut deliver you something. You deserve a lot of help. I have you in my thoughts and prayers often.
ReplyDeleteGod be with you, Kelley