It's been a while since my last post.  Just haven't wanted to talk about Alzheimer's.  Been a rough week.

Last Saturday, I took husband out for the day.  I had planned on it for 2 weeks.  I was excited for him as well as for me.  Big mistake.

Being around husband all day, every day, I did not realize just how sick he really is.

By evening, I was exhausted and jittery from his bad behavior.  Oh, it was something, I'll tell you.

Husband has become very mean towards me.  I have heard that Alzheimer's patients do this, but, just never thought he would.

Everything is my fault.  I think deep down, somewhere in his brain, he can tell the difference in how I can walk, talk and deal with everything.  Unlike him, who cannot walk, has garbled speech, and cannot even think anymore, I think he thinks it's just not fair and will take it out on me.

After our day trip, I let him know of his bad behavior, (I know, but, sometimes I have to make him aware of bad behavior), he seemed sorry, but, continued to say if I hadn't of done this or that, maybe he would've acted better.  Exhausting.

I am fighting a losing battle here.  Right now, I think I would like to bat my head against a brick wall than try to make him understand bad behavior.

I have been having problems with him waking in the middle of the night and having conversations with "the visitors" again.  Last night, he was telling "someone", "No!!! Leave me alone."

I stayed in my bed listening to him wondering what was going to happen.  Finally, he laid back down, still muttering, still restless.

And, I wonder.  Just who was that?

Part of me wants this all over.  The other part longs for a normal life with a healthy husband.  And, it makes me so sad that I will never, ever, have a healthy husband or, for that matter, a normal life.

Sometimes, like today, I think it's just not fair.