Adult Diapers

Thanks for the comment about Jack and Thanksgiving.  I don't know what he's doing, but, he did tell me he would be home for two weeks at Christmas time.  That will be nice.

Father in law did pick up husband yesterday.  They had a good time.  When FIL dropped husband off, he took me aside and gave me some plastic bottles, one large, one medium.  He said to use one in the car and one to keep at his bedside.  Husband had a few accidents at his dad's house.  We talked about that, FIL asked me if he was having accidents at home.  I told him yes.  FIL hung his head and looked so sad.  He then said, "It's the beginning of the end."   My first instinct was to put my arms around him.  Instead, I patted him on the back and replied, "I know."

Husband watched all of this with no reaction at all.  I looked at him.  There he was, a total blank look at the both of us.  He was in his own world, not knowing what was being said.  FIL left, I started dinner.  I asked husband if he had a good time.  He said he couldn't remember.  Great.

Husband fell asleep early, but, when I went to bed, he was in the shower.  I noticed the bathroom rug was outside the door.  I picked it up and it was wet.  When he finally opened the door, I asked him what he was doing he said, "I had a dream I was selling the house and...........", his voice trailed off, and he started mumbling to himself.  He was in a complete stupor.  I asked him about the rug.  He finally said he couldn't make it to the toilet.  I asked him if he needed clean underwear, he said he had some already.  When he put the underwear on, it was backwards and inside out.  I said nothing.

It is now time to break out the adult diapers.  I have a package in my closet.  I have kept them there waiting for "the day".  He will have to start wearing them.  It's time.

I knew there would come a time that we would advance to diapers; knew it all along.  But, it seemed so far off.  "There will come a time when patient will lose all bodily functions.  Adult diapers will have to be worn", is what I read.  

My heart is heavy this morning.  How degrading for him.  How sad I feel for him.  Sad for me.  Sad for our family.  Sad for the man he once was.  I miss that man.  I miss my husband.

Knock it off

Still in a slump.  I've tried to shake it off, but, it won't leave me.  I don't know how to describe it, it's just a slump.

I talked with my neighbor yesterday.  She has a 10 yr old that is mentally handicapped.  We were comparing notes on behavior problems with her girl and husband.  It was nice to have someone to talk to that kind of gets where I'm coming from.  Even if it's compared to a little girl.

I offered to take husband to father in law's house.  He called his dad, but, Lupe said they had company, that father in law would call later.  Husband was upset about the fact he didn't get to talk to his dad.  I told him maybe he really couldn't come to the phone.  Did no good.  He said he would never talk to his dad again.  His chin was quivering,  mumbled to himself and finally went to his bed.

A little later, father in law called and apologized for not coming to the phone.  Now, before the Genetics test came back positive, father in law would never apologize for anything.  Since the results came back positive, he has done a complete turn around.  We now share a common bond of dealing with this disease.

We talked for awhile, I explained that I had offered to take husband over there.  He said he would try to come by today or tomorrow and pick husband up for the day.  When I got off the phone, I told husband his dad was sorry he couldn't come to the phone, but, he said maybe today or tomorrow he would come pick up husband.  Husband seemed calmer about that, but, still was not in a good mood.

I am still trying to figure out how I am supposed to get to San Antonio, Texas for Jack's Air Force graduation.  I have no money to book a flight for us, no money for hotel, no money for car rental.  Nothing.  When he calls, he asks, "Mom, are you coming?"  I tell him yes.

Whatever.

Gotta get this monkey off my back.  Gotta pick myself up and continue this journey.  People are depending on me.  I've been talking to myself now.  Crazy.

Today, I shall tell me, "Knock it off."

Not today, please

Life is happening all around me and yet, my life, or husband's life, is crumbling.  This monster is having a "coming out" party.  It is so obvious what is happening now that I am having a hard time dealing this week.

I took husband on a few errands with me yesterday.  I had to use the restroom, parked him in front of the bathrooms and, when I came out, the sight of him was oh so pitiful.  There he sat, in his wheelchair, slumped over, lifting his head, staring blankly at people walking by.  As long as I live, I will never forget that sight.  There are times that I don't think about Alzheimer's.  There are times we do not discuss what is happening to him.  There are times I'd like to think "he's OK".  But, not yesterday.

As we were driving home, he was slurring his words.  He asked me 2 times within a span of 5 minutes what we were having for dinner.  Still having that vision of him when I came out of the bathroom, it was hard for me to speak.

My brake pads needed replacing.  Tyler replaced them Monday morning.  On Sunday, however, husband went outside to look at the car.  He came in and told me the rotors were damaged as well.  I asked him how he knew that.  He said he looked at them through the hubcaps.  Now, I know zero about cars, but, the rotors?  I thought I had disc brakes.  All he talked about Sunday night was how damaged those rotors were.  I finally asked him to stop because I had no money to replace the rotors and he was upsetting me about the expense of replacing the rotors.

I went first thing Monday morning to get the pads.  As I was paying for them, I asked her if they carried rotors.  She looked at me, frowned and said that my car has Disc Brakes.  Tyler came, replaced the pads and all is well with my car.  Later, I asked husband what he meant by telling me the rotors were bad, that I was right, I had disc brakes.  He looked at me, shrugged his shoulders and said, "I thought the rotors were bad.  Tyler said they are still good, you didn't damage them after all."   To this day, he insists I have rotors.  But, I was lucky, I didn't damage them.  What????

Yep. it's like that around here, all day, every day.  If you ever get confused and frustrated, magnify that by 1,000 and you get where I am coming from.

Today, when I woke up, my first thought was, "I don't wanna play this game anymore."  I'm getting tired.  I actually don't think he's even aware anymore what's happening to him.  He just B bops around.

Hey, coach, can I have a time out, just today, please?

Taking comfort

Fall arrived here in the Land of Enchantment.  I woke up to cloudy skies, breezy, and it's cold.  The idea of having a fire in the fireplace tonight is tempting.  If it stays cold, I will have a fire tonight.  Cozy.  After that hot summer, this is a welcome relief.  I'll be happy to break out the sweats and socks.

Tyler is coming tomorrow to replace my brake pads.  When this started earlier this week, I felt so helpless, not knowing what to do about it.  Husband used to take care of all of that. I would mention something about the car, and he would take care of it.  Now?  I have to depend on my grown kids to help me out.  Thankfully, Tyler said he would take care of it, not to worry.

I am hoping to hear from Jack.  He has not called in a week.  I am getting used to him being gone now.  It's not so bad anymore.  Of course, I still miss him, but, it's getting easier for me.

The quiet is not so bad either.  In the afternoon is when I love it best.  When I go to bed at night is when it get's to me though.  Turning off all the lights, locking the doors, I realize in this big house, it's really just the two of us now.  What a change for me.

Husband is not coming out of his "mood" as fast as I thought.  He has been rather quiet and either sleeps all day, or, stares at the ceiling.  He doesn't seem interested in anything I say or do.  He's just "there", physically.  Mentally?  He's checked out.

Part of me is relieved, the other part?  Scared.  This is it, I say to myself.  This is what I have been waiting for.  I knew this stage was coming, braced myself even, for it to strike.  I believe we are in the final stage of this disease.  On one hand, I want it to be over for him.  On the other hand?  My mind drifts to the "after he's gone" part.  I hope I will do him proud and hold my head high.  I hope I can do this, without him.  I hope I don't live with regrets.

I have found myself shedding tears this week.  The tears have been brief, but, it comes in waves.  One minute, I'm fine, the next, my body gets these sobs.  Never felt like that before.  I have heard of people getting "wracked by sobs," well, now I think I'm experiencing them.  It's different form crying.  It makes me double over, just for a minute, then, it's gone.

Onto the first cold weekend of the season.  I look forward to having a fire burning tonight.  Not having much to look forward to anymore, it's the little things I take comfort in now.  

Night time thoughts

We're still in a "mood" this early morning.  He seems a little better, but, still the "mood" is there.  I have to ride it out.  Soon, he will be back to "himself".  The wandering, confused husband he has become.

Sometimes, late at night I often ask myself, "how long?"  All this was triggered last week.  I was looking through pictures of happier days to send to Jack.  There were so many of husband looking so healthy and normal.  He had such an infectious smile.  In one of the pictures, something caught my eye.  I finally went back to it the other day.

And, there he was with those eyes.  They were smiling along with the rest of his face.  Bright, happy, full of life eyes.  I had a little catch in my throat and put the pictures in my closet, where I can't see them when I go in there.  Don't want to see them.  The reminder is just too much for me right now.

Also, while looking at those pictures, a thought hit me.  At that moment when the camera captured that smile, there was a monster inside of his brain.  Hiding, waiting for the right moment to make his presence known.  It wasn't too long after that one particular photo that the monster began to emerge.  Slight, little incidences one would not make much of anything about it, making light of it, never for once thinking it could be "the curse"  as the family calls it.

No, not my husband, I would think.  We have too much going on for "that" to happen.  We love each other. We have a family.  God won't let "that" strike again.

Slowly,  the monster has emerged.  He has woken up from his sleep and has completely destroyed my husband.  Such a pitiful man, my husband.  Can't walk, can't talk right, can't think for himself, can't remember anything and spends his days staring blankly at the ceiling or TV.

I am finally OK with it all.  I have accepted it and live my life according to whatever the day has in store for me.  It's not easy, I have my moments, but, at the days end, as I look at my sleeping husband, the thought always is the same.

"How much longer, Lord?"

Simple, common sense

No,  I have not dropped off the face of the earth.  My landlord offered me $100 off my rent if I would clean out one of his rentals across the street from me.  Whew.  That was a job.  But, I got it all done.  My back hurts, my shoulders hurt, my feet hurt, but, I got $100 off my rent this month.  Yay for me.

I had left husband at home while I did this cleaning.  He was not happy about that.  For heaven's sake, I was across the street!!  That means nothing to him, however.  He has been in a "mood" since Monday.  I think I hit a wall this morning in regards to husband.  He is acting like a selfish, spoiled rotten 4 yr old.  I had to tell him to go into "his" room, and not come out until he can behave.  Nice words to say to your husband.  But, I'd had it.  Oh, by the way, he's still in there.

I never, ever, thought I would have to treat my husband like a child.  It's getting to that point where I am flying by the seat of my pants here, folks.   There is no "right" or "wrong" way to deal with this type of disease.  I am using my common sense.  If he acts like a child, I will treat him like a child.  Simple.

I am still reeling from the drastic lapse in memory since Jack left.  Every day I notice the memory getting worse and worse.  I hate it all.

When I got up this morning, I looked at him sleeping and thought to next year this time.  "He may not be here",  I thought to myself.  I had to remember to breathe when that thought hit me.  That's hard, but, on the other hand, he won't suffer anymore.

I just want it all to stop.  All of it.  The fear in his eyes is dreadful.  Then, when the fear leaves his eyes, that haunting look comes back.  Dead eyes.  That's what I call them lately.

We'll see what tonight brings.  I am cooking him one of his favorite dinners.  Maybe that'll bring him out of his funk.  If not, well then, I have to ride it out.

I'm getting good at riding out everything.  But, everyone has their limits.  I have days when I think I've reached it.  Then, I dig deep and find it, somewhere inside of me to go on.  

I have to, he's depending on me.

The days of my life

Very low key weekend.  We hung around the house, I did deep cleaning on Saturday, did some grocery shopping, came home, fixed dinner, relaxed in front of the TV.

While I was at the store, Jack called.  Husband did not answer the phone the first time, but, he did pick up the phone the second time he called.  He got to talk to his son for a full 15 minutes.  He was in his element.  I was sorry I missed his call, but so glad that husband got to have time with is son without me hovering nearby.  They had a great talk.  Husband talked about it Saturday night and most of yesterday.  I had debated on taking husband with me, but, being that it was Saturday and Wal-Mart, well, you get the picture.

I am doing OK.  It is so quiet here, I can't get over it.  Many years ago, when the kids were all so little, I would dream of a clean and quiet house.  Well, it's happened and I don't quite know what to take of it.  I am going through an adjustment period, I'll get there, just takes time.

I did our usual laundry Saturday.  I haven't noticed how small it's gotten since Jack left.  1 load of whites/light colors, 1 load of dark colors, 1 small load of towels and 1 load of sheets.  I was done by 1:00 PM.  Now, that I can get used to any day of the week!!!  I actually looked for something to wash yesterday, thinking, "did I miss something?"

As far as Alzheimer's goes, it's there.  Something I can't ignore.  It's always there.  Husband did OK in the memory department this weekend.  Of course, I answered the same questions over and over, but, as far as his attitude, it was OK.  When I was putting away the clean laundry, he said, "Thank you for doing my laundry."  Had to pick my jaw up from the ground.  I've always heard, "Out of the mouth of babes," well, my new saying is, "Out of the mouth of an Alzheimer's patient."

As far as my book is going, well, it's going.  I did not do any writing this weekend.  I woke up this morning with an urge to write today.  During the writing of this book, so many memories have come into play, that, there are times I just don't want to "go there."  Today however, I am going to "go there."  Writing a book is not for the weak at heart, I'll tell ya.  It takes time and a lot of energy.  One would think sitting and typing is easy.  I'm here to tell you, not so.  Your mind has to be transported back, way back.  I am finding out you also have to have a good memory.  Luckily, my memory is intact.  All's well in that department.  Too good, if you ask me.  There are some things I'd like to forget, but, these are my memories.

Husband is still sleeping.  He will wake up soon enough.  I always hold my breath in anticipation of where we will be.  If he wakes up in a "near normal" state, then I know today will be OK.  If not, then, I brace myself for a trying day.  Lately, there have been more trying days than I'd like to count.

Let's all give a shout out to a "near normal" day!!!!