Not today, please

Life is happening all around me and yet, my life, or husband's life, is crumbling.  This monster is having a "coming out" party.  It is so obvious what is happening now that I am having a hard time dealing this week.

I took husband on a few errands with me yesterday.  I had to use the restroom, parked him in front of the bathrooms and, when I came out, the sight of him was oh so pitiful.  There he sat, in his wheelchair, slumped over, lifting his head, staring blankly at people walking by.  As long as I live, I will never forget that sight.  There are times that I don't think about Alzheimer's.  There are times we do not discuss what is happening to him.  There are times I'd like to think "he's OK".  But, not yesterday.

As we were driving home, he was slurring his words.  He asked me 2 times within a span of 5 minutes what we were having for dinner.  Still having that vision of him when I came out of the bathroom, it was hard for me to speak.

My brake pads needed replacing.  Tyler replaced them Monday morning.  On Sunday, however, husband went outside to look at the car.  He came in and told me the rotors were damaged as well.  I asked him how he knew that.  He said he looked at them through the hubcaps.  Now, I know zero about cars, but, the rotors?  I thought I had disc brakes.  All he talked about Sunday night was how damaged those rotors were.  I finally asked him to stop because I had no money to replace the rotors and he was upsetting me about the expense of replacing the rotors.

I went first thing Monday morning to get the pads.  As I was paying for them, I asked her if they carried rotors.  She looked at me, frowned and said that my car has Disc Brakes.  Tyler came, replaced the pads and all is well with my car.  Later, I asked husband what he meant by telling me the rotors were bad, that I was right, I had disc brakes.  He looked at me, shrugged his shoulders and said, "I thought the rotors were bad.  Tyler said they are still good, you didn't damage them after all."   To this day, he insists I have rotors.  But, I was lucky, I didn't damage them.  What????

Yep. it's like that around here, all day, every day.  If you ever get confused and frustrated, magnify that by 1,000 and you get where I am coming from.

Today, when I woke up, my first thought was, "I don't wanna play this game anymore."  I'm getting tired.  I actually don't think he's even aware anymore what's happening to him.  He just B bops around.

Hey, coach, can I have a time out, just today, please?