Glory be to God

I have been talking to God a lot lately.  A lot.  And my Mom.  A lot.  My heart is heavy and as I type these words, tears keep falling.

You see, I have come to the difficult decision to place husband in a facility.  It's time.  For his sake as well as mine.  And for his safety.

Last week, husband got up in the middle of the night and wandered into the bathroom.  Somehow, he fell backwards into the bathtub, hitting his head and his right arm hit the bathtub faucet, bending it and putting an awful bruise on his arm.  It took Kristen and I about an hour to get him out of the tub.

It was then I began talking to God and my Mom.

I have given this journey 5 years.  5 long years.  I thought I could do it.  "I'm strong," I would tell myself.  "God has trusted me with this," I'd say.  "I take my wedding vows seriously," I'd try to convince myself.  "Remember the promise you made to him, that long ago day, Day of Diagnosis, that you would never place him in a home?" I'd remind myself.

Now, like today, with him sleeping in the bedroom, I try to imagine him gone, in a home.  I get a peaceful feeling, along with such great sadness.

So, now begins the process.  My first stop is Social Security Friday morning.  Because I am his Rep & Payee, he doesn't need to be there.  With him having Medicare and supplemental Humana Insurance, I was told by someone who knows, that I will not lose his benefits, but, will pay a monthly co-pay.  Medicare and Humana will absorb most of the cost.  So, I will go and get all my ducks in a row to find out what my options are.

Next stop will be finding a home.  I want to make sure wherever I place him, that he will be well cared for.

I spoke with his nurse this morning, telling her of my decision.  She agrees and said it was time.  She is bringing me some names of places she knows that are outstanding.  She did mention that I should place him in an Alzheimer's Care Facility.  That way, he will be around people special like him.

I know my husband will hate me for this.  But, once I've made up my mind, there's no changing it.  I can't let the fear of him hating me stop me.  I know once he's there and gets used to it, he'll be fine.  It's getting him there that scares me.

So, there you have it.  I am breaking my promise to him and placing him.  Only, when I made that promise, I would have no idea what a nightmare this is and how it's taken a real toll on me.

There will be some who disagree with my decision.  Oh well.  They don't live here.  They do not walk in my shoes.  Only I can make this difficult decision.

Please be in prayer with me as I begin this heart wrenching task.  What a journey this has been.  My body, soul and mind are so weary right now.

But, once again.  It's time.  May God and all His Glory be with me.

If it doesn't stop snowing soon, I think  I shall lose my mind.  Not kidding.  The weatherman says it's going to be 46 degrees tomorrow.  Gonna break out shorts!!

Seriously though, I am so over Winter.  I took a picture of the snow with my cell and wanted to post it here.  Sent it to my email and it never arrived.  Lost in cyber space.  Or, someone is enjoying a great picture.

My poor dog hates the snow.  I took him out the other day to do his business and when we got to the grass, he sank.  He's a white Maltese, so, all you could see was his eyes.  He literally disappeared in the snow.  Needless to say, he did his thing and pulled me back to the front door.

Although, there is light at the end of the tunnel.  We set our clocks forward this weekend, which means, Spring!!  Yay.

On the Alzheimer's side of my life, well, not so great.  This week,  husband has had some serious hallucinations.  A little scary.

The other afternoon, I had started a fire, and as I was turning around from the fireplace, husband was on all fours behind me.  I jumped back and asked him what he was doing.  He  was clawing at the fire saying he had to get our money.  He kept asking me why I was burning up all our money.

It took me some time to calm him down.  For about an hour after that, he was still convinced that all our money was being burnt up.

The next day, he started messing with the dog.  He asked me if the dog was safe.  I assured him he was, wondering where this was leading up to.

Later, husband started choking the dog.  Luckily, I had just come into the living room and saw it.  I took the dog from him and told him, sternly, not to do that again.  He said all he was doing was trying to put the dog back together again.

That left me rattled for the rest of the day.

Yesterday, I came into the living room and husband was smiling and giggling, looking towards the wall.  When he saw me, he stopped.  I ignored it, but, was watching out of the corner of my eye.  Again, he looked towards the wall and began giggling and whispering to the wall.  I asked him what he was doing.  He stopped, said nothing.  But, turned towards the wall, put his finger to his lips as if to shush whoever or, whatever.

I can tell you about this, but, to actually see it in person, well, one can only imagine how horrific and scary these hallucinations can be.

It's awful, I'll tell you.  Awful.

The nurse suggested getting him on anti-psychotic meds.  We've tried those.  They don't work on him.  In fact, it does just the opposite.  Makes him even more agitated.

So, here's to (hopefully) warmer weather, longer daylight, no more hallucinations and the nurse starting on Monday, five whole days of care for husband.

Hip, hip, hooray!

A little good news

It's funny how just when I'm ready to throw in the towel, something good happens.

I got the call from Home Health Care earlier, telling me my Insurance approved us for 5 day a week nursing care.  Big sigh here.

They told me they don't know how long 5 days will help.  Next step will go up to 7 days a week, then 7 days, twice daily.  After that,  Hospice.

To hear that word, Hospice, well, kind of  brought me back to reality, but, I refuse to let that word darken my day.

Husband doesn't know yet, he is sleeping.  A normal for him.  When he wakes up, I will tell him the good news.  From then on, he will continually ask me again and again how many days a week for, I'm sure, the next couple of days.  He just cannot retain anything.

So, today, I will not let anything bother me, for I know that beginning next week, a lot of this burden will be lifted from me.  It's been a long 5 years caring for him, but, it's time to let the professionals take over.  I've done all I can.

Bittersweet because the end is coming.  On the other hand, I can honestly look at myself in the mirror and know I did the best I could. 

And for that, I am thankful.

Support

For those of you that have asked (thank you for the comments and concern) I do have help.

We have a Nurse that comes 3 times a week but, that will be changing to 5 times a week, due to husband's condition.  She is a great woman with compassion, but, also, has developed a bond with all of us.

My daughter, Kristen also lives with me.  She is such a great support system.  She cares for husband when she senses I have reached my limit.  She is patient, loving and kind with him.  At times, she will break down and cry at the thought of losing him, but, for the most part, she doesn't show it to husband.

My oldest daughter, Tish lives here in the Springs too.  Her husband, Jace is stationed at Ft Carson.  They come every weekend (with visits from Tish during the week) and Jace will chop wood and visit with husband.

I have a great support system, but, the every day reality of just living and caring for someone afflicted with Alzheimer's can test the best.

I don't know why God has chosen me for this journey.  I didn't think in a million years my life would be like this.  There is nothing in this world compares to this.  But, it is my life.  My reality, as crappy as it can be, My Reality.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm whining.  I hope it doesn't come across as whining.  Kind of like, "boo hoo, poor me".  It's not what I want readers to think.  It's just.................I have bad days.

I believe snow has come to the Springs with a vengeance.  It won't stop snowing.  And, cold.  It's 10 degrees right now.  Must be our high because it's afternoon now.  Brrr.

I want to say "Thank You" to the person who offered Pizza Hut.  How sweet of you.  Know what I'd like better?  Love to meet you somewhere between Denver and the Springs.  Coffee, lunch, dinner?

Thank you all for following me in this journey.  Each and every sweet comments means a lot to me.  It helps.  Maybe one day we can all meet. 

Until then, thanks for hanging with me.

Alzheimer's - Hollywood Style

I am so sorry for the lack of posts.  Life is giving me a run for my money and Alzheimer's is permeating the very air that I breathe.

Husband is not doing well at all.  He has slipped further and further away from me.  When he tries to speak, it's barely above a whisper, and pronouncing words is almost impossible for him.

He forgets everything.  Everything.  He will ask what's for dinner, I'll tell him.  He will glance around the room and ask me again.  Within 30 seconds.

Last night, I got his night diaper on him, gave him last pill for the day and tucked him into bed.  Got a fresh glass of water, sat down, picked up the TV remote and he called for me.  I went in and he asked, "Did you change me and am I ready for bed"?  Took him about 2 whole minutes to forget I had just been in there.

The other night, while eating dinner, he turned to the wall and said, "Do you like it?  It's good, isn't it"?  Now, let me clarify something.  When he talks to "the visitors", his voice and speech is clear and normal.  It's almost a haunting sound.  Not of this world.

I'm just........done with it all.

For some reason, I am missing my Mom.  The ache I feel inside can really get to me.  It will be 1 year on the 30th of March.  Why all of a sudden now?

Sometimes it's just all too much for me to handle.

I know it's time to place him in a home, but, if I do, I lose his Social Security.  I can't live without that money.  So, I've picked my poison.

I was talking with an old childhood friend yesterday.  She told me how often she thinks of me and cannot even process what I am going through.  She said she has tried to imagine her husband with Alzheimer's, and said its just too painful to even fathom what it's like.

Yes, I know.

There is a movie out and Julienne Moore just won an Oscar for her part playing a woman who is diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer's.  I have the book.  It's called Still Alice.

Now, first of all, everyone is raving about this actress and the movie.  I have seen the trailers for this movie.  It's all bunk, I tell ya.

You want to come to my home and see it live and in person?  Or, go to the movies and see a make believe story about someone afflicted with this monster? 

Yea, what they should've named the movie is "Alzheimer's - Hollywood Style".

Yes, life is grabbing me and shaking me to my core right now.  I'll be OK, it's just this rocky road right now is tough.

Hang in there with me ya'll.  No place to go but up.

It's been a while since my last post.  Just haven't wanted to talk about Alzheimer's.  Been a rough week.

Last Saturday, I took husband out for the day.  I had planned on it for 2 weeks.  I was excited for him as well as for me.  Big mistake.

Being around husband all day, every day, I did not realize just how sick he really is.

By evening, I was exhausted and jittery from his bad behavior.  Oh, it was something, I'll tell you.

Husband has become very mean towards me.  I have heard that Alzheimer's patients do this, but, just never thought he would.

Everything is my fault.  I think deep down, somewhere in his brain, he can tell the difference in how I can walk, talk and deal with everything.  Unlike him, who cannot walk, has garbled speech, and cannot even think anymore, I think he thinks it's just not fair and will take it out on me.

After our day trip, I let him know of his bad behavior, (I know, but, sometimes I have to make him aware of bad behavior), he seemed sorry, but, continued to say if I hadn't of done this or that, maybe he would've acted better.  Exhausting.

I am fighting a losing battle here.  Right now, I think I would like to bat my head against a brick wall than try to make him understand bad behavior.

I have been having problems with him waking in the middle of the night and having conversations with "the visitors" again.  Last night, he was telling "someone", "No!!! Leave me alone."

I stayed in my bed listening to him wondering what was going to happen.  Finally, he laid back down, still muttering, still restless.

And, I wonder.  Just who was that?

Part of me wants this all over.  The other part longs for a normal life with a healthy husband.  And, it makes me so sad that I will never, ever, have a healthy husband or, for that matter, a normal life.

Sometimes, like today, I think it's just not fair.

Laughter, the best medicine!!

Thought I'd change the main  page.  It was time for a face lift.

We woke up to bitter cold and snow.  It has been foggy all day.  I like it, except, I had to go to the pharmacy, Petco and grocery store.  Roads were pretty bad, but, I took my time and made it home safe.

I like to get out like that and challenge myself.  Driving slow, watching for the other guy, trying not to skid, I love it.  I know, sounds crazy and not so normal, but, I never claimed to be normal.

On the Alzheimer's side,  things are just about the same.  There has been lots of strange behavior and delusions but, other than that, it's OK.

For some reason known only to husband, on his way to the bathroom, he will open the closet door then proceed to the bathroom.  Lately, when coming into the living room, he will forget to get his walker.  When I remind him to get it, he gets really confused and starts to spin while holding onto my bed.  He also starts to move the bedroom door back and forth.  It may take him a good 15 minutes before he calms down and gets his walker.

As I was putting him to bed Saturday night he said, "Wasn't that a good idea I had?"  Now, me being the actress that I am said, "which one?"  He smiled and said, "the one where I took popsicle sticks and put them in wax and made new popsicles, remember?"  "Oh, yes, I do remember, good idea."

Later, I got a popsicle out, looked at it and had to chuckle.  And then, I had to laugh out loud.  And, as I ate it, I said to no one, "Funny, doesn't taste like wax."

Leave it to husband to make me laugh.