Secrets

I took a walk yesterday.  Actually, I took two walks.  Snowball took two walks also.  With me.  He loved it.  When I got his leash out, he started spinning in circles, he was that excited.  I would've taken Bessie, but, she hates the leash.  Hates it.

We walked to the mailboxes, we walked around the neighborhood.  We met some other dogs.  We live in a gated community, separated from the other surrounding neighborhoods.  I felt so good, I did it again.  Well, OK, the mail hadn't come yet, so we went again, later.  We will be walking again today.

Husband slept most of the morning.  He was in a so so place when he got up, ate his breakfast and promptly fell asleep in the chair.  I decided not to wake him.  Let him sleep, I thought.  When he did wake up, he got up and went to the bedroom.  He slept for another 2 1/2 hours.

Husband is not in a good place, nor is he in a bad place.  It's not something I've seen before.  Kind of in between reality and his world, but in a quieter, calmer way.  There seems to be no agitation, no sudden panic attacks, just a limbo kind of existence.  He did however, have a seizure during his nap.  I happened to go into the bedroom, glanced at him and saw him seizing.  I calmly sat at the end of the bed, watching it and timing it.  I silently glanced at the phone, calculating how many steps it was to the phone, thinking 911 was just a phone call away.  As suddenly as it started, it stopped.  He coughed and it was over.

During the 25 seconds of this seizure, I thought about what is happening to him.  Surprising how much you can think about in 25 seconds.  My mind was racing during this time.  So many thoughts came to mind.  And then, like a roller coaster ride coming to a jolting stop, it was over.  Boom.  I sat there for a few seconds.  I could hear birds singing outside, a dog was barking down the street.  Life was still happening outside.  Life is ending inside.

I was a little more serious the rest of the day.  Not sad.  More thoughtful maybe?  I did not tell husband he had a seizure.  Decided to keep it to myself.  It only scares him anyway.

It's my secret.  Now, it's yours too.