Husband got fitted for his new wheelchair yesterday. It's a process, I'll tell ya. We now may have to go back to Physical Therapy for an evaluation. I'm hoping we don't have to do that, as, it takes a very long time to get in to see her.
The rest of the day was spent quietly. Husband rested all day. Didn't sleep. which is good, but, rested.
I'm still in somewhat of a funk. I have my highs and lows. I wake up each day with the promise of a new day, and go to bed with the realization of what my life has become.
Husband was restless all night long. Neither one of us slept well or very much. He went to the bathroom several times in the night. I have placed a night light in our bathroom so he won't stumble on his way to the bathroom. Every time he got up, I woke up and watched him hold onto the walls for support as he headed towards the bathroom.
I gave up around 6:45 AM and got up.
Husband has been wandering the house this morning. He seems to be in somewhat of a stupor. Seems very quiet.
The people from the Scooter Store left a brochure on the chair they fitted for him. I was showing him the brochure later in the afternoon. He acted like he was concentrating on what I was saying. But, then I did the unthinkable.
I looked directly into his eyes. There he sat, with those bug eyes staring blankly back at me. I almost felt as if I were going to vomit. I usually avoid looking into his eyes. Only for some reason, I didn't yesterday. I had to leave the room and get away from him.
I left the room and sat down on the couch. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see his eyes staring at me. Funny, I can handle the way he attempts to walk, his spastic movements and even the total memory loss.
But those eyes.
How am I ever going to get over this? I think his eyes will haunt me til the day I die. There is such a haunting, dead, coma like look to them now. Big and bug eyed.
And this is where I think I fail him.
Sunney Sue,
ReplyDeleteI read here every day and am amazed by you. Your faith, strength, perserverance, optimism, sense of humor, and yes, your "sunshiney" disposition come through in every posting.
What you are doing, and how you are handling it is simply inspirational. I mean this from the bottom of my heart. And, even IF it is from the bottom of a stranger's heart, I hope you hear this truth: you are in no way shape or form failing your husband.
I wrote to you a couple of times before, and once mentioned "the eyes" - that I finally, in my elderly father's eyes, saw "the look" you would write about. And it is hard to see the blankness that doesn't end. It shook me to my core.
You have done/do so much and you do it SO faithfully and SO graciously. I just had to comment today when I read the words, "fail him". Have you ever heard Jesus' Words, "well done my faithful servant" ? THOSE are the words I think of when I read your posts, and I just had to delurk again to tell you!
Sincerely,
Becky
becali9@yahoo.com
For what it's worth, I second what Becky said!
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