Turning a page

First of all, thank you for the comments.  I take each and every one to heart.  After reading recent comments, I will take it to heart and look into Home Health Care for husband.

He does not take well to strangers.  He is very modest.  He still, somewhere deep inside of his brain, is a very prideful man.  Somewhere.  I can see glimpses of it on occasion.

When I move in with Tish & Jace next June, I am putting husband in a nursing home.  It would be too much for the grandchildren to witness him on a daily basis.  That I know.  However, for the time being, yes, I know it's time.

Sometimes, late at night, I get scared when I think of putting him in a nursing home.  Will they take good care of him?  Will they keep him clean?  Of course, I will be there every day.  That is a given.

As I was thinking last night, (oh, why do I think so late at night?  Better yet, why do I think at all?)  I imagined myself next year this time.  I will truly be without my husband.  What will I do?  I have been married for so long,  I won't know how to act.  I know I will not work again.  The very idea of going back to work and dealing with what I think now are such nonsense, I know that is out of the question.

This chapter of my life will be closing.  A whole new beginning for me.  I won't know until I turn the page to begin a new chapter.

Lately, I have been thinking about me.  For the last 2 1/2 years, I only thought of husband.  Now that we're heading towards the end, I have caught myself thinking of me.  I will be the one left here on earth.  I know where husband is going.  I'm not worried about him.  Suddenly, I will make decisions for me.  This will be my life from here on out.

This will be all new to me.  Raising 7 children, caring for them, having a husband, caring for him, has put me on the back burner for so long, why, what in the world will I do?

Honestly?  With all this heartache, the pain of losing my husband, the agony of watching him suffer, the financial strain it has put on me, the everything about this journey, I am looking forward to turning that page and begin a new chapter.