Reflections of a Mother

When my children were little, I would put them to bed, relieved the day was over. Taking care of 6 small children, (my little ducks as I used to call them) was no easy feat. Some were walking, some were running, some were nursing, some were talking and some were screaming. At the end of the day, I would be totally exhausted. Couldn't wait to get them to bed. Once they were all asleep, my mind would go over the day. Did I do enough for them today? Did I feed them, guide them, help them, cuddle them, kiss them, but, most of all, did I do enough to show just how much I loved them? Looking at their precious faces as they slept, my heart would hurt. I loved those babies with every breath I took. Still do.

Now, here I am again. Taking care of someone who can no longer do alot for himself. His mind is going and he needs me more than ever right now. He depends on me for everything. I do get frustrated, especially when I start to do something and he "acts out", like a 2 yr old would. Once again, I have no alone time for just me, except at night. Once again, as I check on him after he has fallen asleep, automatically I check his breathing, his thrashing, his "mumbling", his choking sounds and I begin to reflect the day. Did I feed him right, did I do enough for him today, did I show compassion, did I comfort him when he forgot where the kitchen was, did I laugh with him, and most of all, did I make him feel secure and show the love I have for him?

Ah, God prepared me for this a long time ago. When those 6 little babies were "given" to me, to love, to care for, to comfort and to guide. I say 6 because even though I have 7 children, my Jack came late in life, a time when I had "been there, done that". It was so easy with him, still is.

So, as I reflect on my life as a Mother, I am once again transported back. Back to when the highlight of my day was when they were all asleep and all was quiet. I now look forward to when he goes to sleep at night and my mind can try to get a moment. But, once he is asleep, the questions come back. Did I do enough for Leon today?

Within a year, all will be quiet. I won't have to reflect my day with him anymore. My house will be still all day, every day.

Can I live with the quiet? Can I live with myself, knowing I did all I could with what I had? I ask myself that question every day. There is no answer, time will tell.

One day, I will go before God. He has given me a hard life. As I sit here today, my only salvation through all of this is to hear the voice of God say, "Well done my good and faithful servant".