Bittersweet

I just got an email from my Support Group leader. One of the member's mother passed away early this morning. I heard that she was a wonderful woman. A wonderful wife and mother. And this is what she got in the end? Huh, makes me stop and wonder.

Husband had been doing so well, then, of course, out of the blue yesterday, total confusion, agitation, wanting to argue. I had called in his anti-seizure meds the day before and as I was on hold, I started counting the pills that were left. He has not been taking the prescribed dose.

Now, let me stop here and go back to last summer. When they prescribed this drug, I told him I would keep the meds and give to him at bedtime. He fought me on that, said he could do it himself. So, every night, I checked to make sure he had taken his meds. Seems he has not been on the up and up. Yesterday morning, I took all meds from him (there are three now) and told him from now on, I was handling all meds. These meds are for different symptoms, like the anti-spastic med for his spastic legs. That is to be given 1/2 tab 3 times a day. The other, Aricept, is to be given at dinner time. The other is the anti-seizure med, 2 tabs at bedtime. So, he didn't like it, but I took it all. Now, I can be sure his meds are given to him properly. I told him, "fight me all you want, but you will not win". He threw a few fits, I ignored him. His meds are now locked up away from him.

During this time yesterday, I got so mad. Mad that I have to treat husband like this, mad that his son gets to watch this, mad that husband has to go through this. Just mad all around. Ugh, it lasted all day long. And this, folks, is just the beginning.

Jack is, as we speak, doing his physical. When he is through with that, the FBI comes in and grills him. Jack told me last night, "Don't worry Mom, I can handle the FBI". So full of confidence. When he is done, he will call me, and we will be invited to attend his Swearing in Ceremony. I will post pictures on Facebook for those interested. Husband just asked, again, for the upteenth time, where do we go for the ceremony. I told him, again, that it is downtown at the MAPPS Station. He says, "Hey, don't look at me like I'm stupid. You never told me where it is going to be".

I have to be happy for my son today. I will celebrate with him and know that if he gets in, his future will be secure. But, during all of this happiness, I have to watch my husband's future slipping away.

Today will be bittersweet. Sweet, because my son is becoming a man. Bitter, because husband cannot be a man anymore. And that hurts. For him, Jack and myself.