Digging Deep

Been a rough couple of days. Husband has been on a downward spiral. It started on Thursday, with no end in sight. He seems to be OK this morning, but, it can turn bad quickly.

By yesterday afternoon, I was so jittery, I was almost in tears. I had to have peace & quiet. I felt like I was going to just crawl out of my skin. I orderded him to the room. Told him to go in his room and don't come out until he could behave. He did as he was told. Stayed away from me. I made dinner, he ate, never said another word, went back to bed. From there on, I was able to relax and calm down somewhat.

Who does this? Who talks to their husband like he is a 4 yr old? Who makes their husband sit in his room until he can behave? I do, that's who.

Anyone know how hard this is? There are alot of women who have cared for and are caring for husbands who are disabled, I get that. But, when you have a husband who is not only disabled, but is loosing his mind also, that makes for one interesting life. I won't quit on him, no, but I surely need a break from him.

There are times that I resent him. How dare he do this to me, to us. There are times I can't stand to be around him. There are times when all I want is for this to be over with. There are times that I want to walk out that door and not come back. But, guess what? I don't. I continue what I do, take care of him.

By joining this Support Group, I found out that it's OK to have these feelings. They are normal. So, I'm normal. Good news.

Today, he wants to visit with his Dad. I feel like a kid going to the zoo. I get some alone time, I am just too excited. I need it. Already, I can feel my jaw tightening and all he is doing is just sitting here, staring into space. But, that's all it takes. You just never know.

Here we go, new week. I need to find my ground, get centered again. This last episode took me by surprise. Need to brace myself for another onslaught. Gotta get it together. Today, though, I will have the quiet time I need, with Jack in school and husband at his Dad's. And, I will find my inner strength again. It's there, just gotta go get it.