Peaceful

I never did get the pic of the patio up yesterday.  Try for today.

"They" say the monsoons are upon us, here locally.  Really?  Where?  Oh, wait, I take that back.  We got about 50 raindrops on our patio last week, sprinkled with some lightening and thunder.  Oh, it has been so hot here.  Setting records every day.  Last time I remember it being this hot was when I was pregnant with Jack.  In 1994.  Jack was born in August of that year.  I actually thought I would burst, I was that hot.  Now, 18 years later, we are experiencing the same kind of heat.  Want to get this summer over with.

I woke up this morning with a feeling of peace.  Somehow, someway, through all of this confusion husband has been experiencing lately,  I can find peace within myself.

I have come to the conclusion that I am doing all I can for him.  With an Alzheimer's sufferer, they cannot compute that you are giving them the best care you can.  They just don't get it.

Husband came to me last night and said he was so sorry for the things he told me the other day.  He said, "It's just this disease that I have makes me say things I don't mean."  There.  He finally said it.  He has a disease he cannot control and it's going to kill him.  Finally.  A breakthrough of sorts.


Tyler came to visit yesterday.  He works for the City of Albuquerque and has a day off in the middle of the week.  We had a great talk.  I told him I wish husband would go sooner than later.  He admitted that he felt the same way and has been feeling guilty, thinking he was the only one wishing this.  Said he felt so much better after talking with me.  


It's nice to talk with someone about husband.  It's nice to speak out what's really in my heart and mind without coming off as a cold  person.  No, I don't want husband to die, but he's going to.  I can't change that.  


I just wish it were over already.  


I have this sinking feeling that once Jack leaves for the Air Force, husband will decline rather quickly.  Tyler said he has the same feeling.  For husband's sake, I hope so.


So, today, this morning, I have peace.  I don't know how long it will last.  But, what's important is right now,  Peace.   

Oy

Yesterday, in a nutshell was not good.  Hence, my reason for not posting.

One bright spot in my day was figuring out how to post a picture of my new oasis.  Hopefully, pictures will be uploaded this afternoon.

Husband woke up in his usual stupor.  But, he was angry.  Don't ask me why.  I tried really, really hard to avoid him.  Not easy being that we live in the same house and all.

He proceeded to tell me to call the DMV and order them to reinstate his driver's license.  I asked him why?  He said, "Well, being that you instigated all of this (What?), I want you to tell them I am just fine, that it was all your fault they revoked my license and make them reinstate it."  

I knew it was going to be downhill from there, but, I calmly told him that it would have to come from Dr A, not me.  Of course, he cannot drive anymore, but, I was hoping against hope that that would be the end of it.

Yeah, right.

He then launched into a spew of how I don't care for him, I never take him anywhere, he needs to get out of the house more often, I treat him badly, his diagnosis is my fault,  after all, he said, "if it wasn't for you taking me to the doctors, then none of this would've happened,"  and on and on and on and on and on.

I stood up, ready to leave, ( didn't know where I was going, Jack had the car and it's waaaaaay too hot to walk anywhere) and said, for the first time, but, I had had it, "Listen, honey, you have Alzheimer's Disease, and, it's not my fault."

Oh, you could hear a pin drop.  Yeah, it was that quiet.  There, I said it, and, you know what?  It felt good to say it.  He said he knew he has Alzheimer's, but, I needed to mind my own business when it came to taking him to the doctors, before diagnosis.  At that point, I walked away and left him in the bedroom, alone.  I was shaking so bad, I could not hold my cup of coffee.

He slept until about 3 PM, came out and said good morning to me.  I told him it was the afternoon, and was he feeling better?  He looked at me as if I had lost my mind, (well, I have, so what?) and asked me what was I talking about.  I told him what he had said earlier and he had no recollection of saying what he said!!

Oy vey.

This morning, in my email, there was an invite from Southwest Airlines to "book my flight now as time was running out."  Sure, fine, OK.  Don't temp me, Southwest.  Actually, after I read it, I laughed out loud.  It just struck me as so funny they would send me that after the day I had yesterday.

God is still showing me how to laugh.  And, I like that.  Thanks again, God.

 

My new oasis

Took the weekend off.  I wish I could say I went someplace exotic, rested on the sand of some tropical island while a Cabanna Boy served me drinks, but, (gasp) that would be a lie.

I actually landscaped my patio.  I bought 3 plants, ($4 bucks, Home Depot), transplanted them into bigger pots, put pebbles along the side of the bricks where there was dirt, moved the BBQ under the patio roof and Viola!  My very own oasis.  I put solar lights around the perimeter of the patio, in the pebbles.  I found an old, rather large clay pot that I will be making into a water fountain this week.

It is so pretty out there now.  I love to sit there and watch the hummingbirds drink from the feeder.  I make my own nectar and they love it.

Once the fountain is finished, it will be so peaceful out there.

Now, all I need is that Cabanna Boy!!

This will be my escape.  I can think and ponder out there.  No noise, no questions, no nothing.  I am going to enjoy this new oasis.  Pretty darn proud of myself too.  A little hard work, some sweat (no alot of sweat) a few sore muscles and a little sunburned, but so worth it.

Husband told me it wouldn't work, my idea, that is.  Said it would not look right.  I did what I do best, I ignored him and went to work.  When it was finished yesterday afternoon, he looked at it and was very surprised at how nice it turned out.  So there, huh!!!

Husband has not come out of his stupor.  I've gotten used to it now.  It's actually not so bad after all.  He doesn't know what's going on around him, so, I don't have to do a lot of explaining or answer so many questions throughout the day.  Makes my days easier.

Ah, once again, the perks of Alzheimer's.

Missing

I borrowed a neighbor/friend's pool key and went to the pool yesterday.  Marie came with the kids.  We had a nice time.  The pool was so refreshing.

I had a relatively nice day yesterday.

Husband spent the day with his dad.  I actually had the sensation of relaxing moments.

Husband shaved yesterday morning.  When he was leaving with his dad, I noticed a few areas where he had missed.  Didn't say anything, just noticed.  Another little perk of this disease.  Very sloppy shave.  He used to be so meticulous about shaving.  Not anymore.  Another slap in my face.

Funny how I notice the "little" things he has lost.  Also, it affects me more than the big things.  Why?  Don't know.  So many things we take for granted, until it is taken away, I guess.  Like, shaving.  Very simple.  Now, he cannot do that anymore.

Father in law mentioned it when he dropped husband off.  Told me I will have to start shaving him, or, at least help him shave.  Husband stood there with a blank look in his eyes, as if we were speaking another language.  And smiled that haunted smile of his now.  Oh, how I hate that smile.

Husband continues to be in a constant state of confusion.  For the most part, he is pleasant, but I do not like this new phase.  It's kind of like a drunken stupor.  It hasn't let up in I think, 10 days?  Usually, his memory will come and go.  Not so this time.  Maybe it will come back?  Just like everything else,  I have no idea.

Is he "gone" for good now?  Is it that time?  Just when I think he's "gone", somehow, someway, he makes it back to the here and now.  He's a fighter, that's for sure.

Last night, sitting on the couch, I was missing my husband.  I was missing spending time watching TV with him.  Went into the bedroom, there he was, sitting on the bed, looked up at me and for an instant, there was no recognition of me in his eyes.  Blank.  He looked at me as if to say, "Why, hello there".  In a flash, it was gone, and he went back to staring at the TV.

Today, this morning, I miss my husband.

A big dose of reality may be too hard to swallow right now!!

I am in a funk.  It is so depressing around here with husband nowadays.  It is pitiful watching him.  He is so lost.  I wake up each day, trying to find something good in the morning.  Lately, I haven't had any good thoughts.  I play a waiting game until husband wakes up, then, I do a quick survey of what he has lost during the night.

He has been in a confused stupor for over a week now.  Take for instance, yesterday morning.  We were discussing how well Jack is doing in summer school.  All A's.  A few hours later, husband said, "Gosh, Jack hasn't been out of his room all morning.  Is he still sleeping?  He needs to come out of his room more."  Of course, he always does something like this just when I am taking a sip of a drink (no, not beer) and it takes me by surprise.  I calmly told him Jack was at summer school.  He asked me when did he start summer school?

Yeah, it's like that.

Father in law is picking up husband for the day today.  Big sigh of relief.  I need a break.  It is exhausting and suffocating being around husband all day, every day.

There are days that I can go with the flow.  There are also days I question if I can make it through to the end.    I don't know about me sometimes.

Please bear with me as we enter a new stage in the progression of this disease.  This decline has been so rapid, it's taking me some time to adjust.  I may not post every day.  I may be so overwhelmed, I won't be able to post anything.  

I pride myself on being a realist.

Only, this realist is having trouble now facing my reality.

 

So, how is your Tuesday?

I woke up this morning at 5:30.  Husband had woken me up.  He was sitting on the side of the bed attempting to get dressed.  I asked him why he was up so early.  He said he did not know.  I told him to go back to bed.  He would not.

Now, here he sits in his chair in the living room.  He is nodding off.  He is very confused.  He tries to talk and sounds like someone who's had way too much to drink.

He forgets he HAS to use the walker in order to walk.  Leaves it all over the house.  When I bring it to him, he looks at the walker as if it's the first time he's seen it.

Our friend, D, could not pick up husband's Scooter Chair yesterday.  Said to give him a call this afternoon.  Husband was upset that it hasn't been fixed yet.  He has no concept of time anymore and, thinks that once I make that call to D, that it's magically going to be fixed on the spot.  He does not understand why it's not fixed yet, even though I've only talked to D about fixing it.  It's hard to explain to him that just because I've talked  to D, does not mean it's fixed.  He just doesn't get it anymore.

Ugh.

I was shaky yesterday.  I have a long road ahead of me.  And, it's only going to get worse.  Today, I don't feel very brave.  I don't feel very strong.  I want to cry, out of sheer frustration.  It's so hard watching my husband fade away.  I wish I could have a healthy husband, one that works and "brings home the bacon".  One that says on a Saturday morning, "I'm taking you out to dinner tonight."  One that is big and strong, protecting his family.  An all around husband, my partner, my soul mate.

Early Onset Alzheimer's has taken all that away.  It has and will continue to destroy my husband, and all that comes in it's path, including mine.

Good job, Alzheimer's.

Weekend Recap

Father's Day - 2012.

Nice quiet day.  Husband rested for the most part.  Kids called.  Confused for most of the day.  I made him his special dinner.  He ate everything.  I've noticed his clothes are getting too big for him.  Shirts hang on him.  Pants fall off of him.  I have to get him new clothes.  Have to put that in the budget and see what happens.

At least there were no sudden outbursts of anger.  Man, I don't like that.  I have to keep my cool when it does happen.

At the end of the day he thanked me for a lovely Father's Day and all I do for him.  I was pleasantly surprised.  He also told me how much he appreciates me.  Another surprise.  He was sincere.

I cannot believe how hot it's been.  Wish it would let up some.  Have not got a key for the pool.  Will try to get one tomorrow.  Every time I go the mailbox, I see people in that wonderful pool.  Makes me want to break in the area and jump in.

All in all, the weekend was OK.  Talked to my mom yesterday.  She's doing OK.  A little confused, but, OK.  She lives with my sister now.  I know how hard that has been on my sister.  I think of my sister often.  She has a lot on her plate with mom.  My mother can be a handful at times.  I know, I lived and cared for her myself for 5 1/2 years.  As much as I love my mother, she can even piss off a good humor man.  Trust me, been there, done that.  But, she's still my mother and I love her.  A lot.

I am getting anxious for our appointment with Dr A the end of July.  There has been such an increase of this disease,  Dr A may be shocked.  Or, will he?  Anyway, at least I'll find out where we are at, stage wise.

Our friend from church is coming today to look at husband's Scooter Chair.  Want to get it fixed so husband can get out of the house and "cruise" around the neighborhood.  He needs the fresh air, even if it is hot.  We can go early in the morning.

No big news, no big anything.  Don't know if we've reached a plateau and are holding steady with this monster, but, for now, I'll take it.

But, I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

1+1=2. I can count, yay!!!

I had to pay Jack's tuition for summer school yesterday.  Being that Jack takes the car (saves gas),  there was no other option for me but to walk.

And walk I did.  I loved it.  I had to go to the Educators Credit Union where the school district has their account.  I decided to go early enough before it got too hot.

Let me tell you, once I got to the bank, it felt so good to walk into an air conditioned place.  The bank was crowded, the usual Friday crowd, but, I wanted them to take their time as the coolness of that bank felt so good to me.  Wanted to stay all day.

My turn came.  The total was $56.25.  I gave the teller $60.00 cash.  It had to be cash or money order.  Their rules.  The teller handed me $3.25 back.  I looked at the change and said, "Excuse me, you still owe me .50cents."  She looked at me as if to say, "Poor old lady", (I'm not THAT old) and said, "No, the total was $56.25, and, I even did it on the calculator in the computer and I DID give you the proper change."  I took a deep breath and once again told her she had made a mistake, that the change from $60.00 should be $3.75, not $3.25.  "Do the math", I told her, beginning to get a little miffed by the way she was treating me.  As if I was the idiot.  It took 3 (can you believe it?) times explaining to her what the correct change should be.

Finally, either a light bulb went off or she decided to wake up and realize she was at work.  She gave me the additional .50 cents.

Feeling superior and maybe even wanting to get a little even at this young girl who thought she knew how to count, I said to her, "I will need a receipt for this with my son's name on it and please, make sure you apply this money to the proper student, I certainly don't want any mistakes and my son being dropped from summer school."  She gave me a dirty look and I just smiled sweetly back at her.  I did want to add, "Also, because you work at a bank and cannot count, I may have to show you how to properly apply these monies to the account."

Handing me the receipt, I continued to stand at her window and read the entire receipt she handed me.  Just wanted to rub it in a little more.  Once I was satisfied, I gave my thanks to her and left.  She, being red faced and perhaps feeling a little stupid ( certainly hope so, being the way she treated me) told me to have a nice day.  ""I shall,"  I smiled sweetly.

I know, I know, why squabble over .50 cents?  First of all, it was MY .50 cents and her attitude, that's why.

Scary to think she actually cashes checks, makes deposits and balances at the end of the day?

Sure glad I don't bank there.

Oy.

The A word reappears

A rather boring week if you ask me.  Oh, I'm busy, but am finding myself restless.  Everything seems boring to me.  I think we are in a transition period.  As in Alzheimer's.

Husband has been in and out of a stupor lately.  He has no concept of time, days or even what month it is.  He is also angry at me a lot of the time.

Father's day is Sunday.  I have no plans.  Of course, I will make him a good dinner, but, don't know what the older kids have planned for him.

Jack actually likes summer school.  Says it OK.  The only downfall to this is, he has to drive across town, on one of the busiest streets.  It's the alternative to any freeways here.  Actually, I'd rather drive the freeways here, in rush hour traffic than take this certain road, it's that bad.  I say a prayer every morning for him.

A friend stopped by last night.  She hasn't seen husband in so long.  He came out of the bedroom in is underwear.  I couldn't believe it.  She looked stunned at first, then just smiled and asked him how he was doing.   When she was leaving she told husband to behave.  He just smiled, that vacant, haunting smile he does when he is his his own world.

I hate it all.  Hate is such a strong word.  Like Lucifer, the Devil.  What a terrible name, Lucifer.

What a terrible name, Alzheimer's.

A day in my life (sort of)

I don't have really much of anything to post today. so, I'll just start typing and see if something comes to me.

After yesterday's post, I had a very disturbing dream about husband.  I won't go into it, it was that disturbing.

I have yet to finish my laundry.

Jack started summer school today.  He was short credits.  He will get his Diploma in August.

I went to the store last night at 11:00.  It was still hot.

I put up my hummingbird feeder last Friday.  So far, I've seen 1 hummingbird.  Only 1.

Daytime TV is not good right now.  My In Session promised to televise an interesting trial starting this past Monday.  Only another trial has taken it's place.  No cameras are allowed in the courtroom, so all we have to go on is people talking about it.  Boring.

I need new living room furniture.

I also need money to purchase living room furniture.

I have a dream about going to the grocery store.  I would love to go and buy what I want instead of what I can afford.

Husband said he had a sweet tooth.  I made a chocolate cake for him after dinner last night.  It made him happy.

I want to get away for the weekend.  Any weekend.  Even going camping sounds good to me.  Just away from the city.

I look at our fireplace and get hot.  It's been that hot here.

Bessie, the big dog is shedding hair everywhere.  I vacuum daily now.

Husband has me check to make sure he has put his belt on properly every morning now.

We have fires dancing all around us.  Air quality not that good.

I love to sit outside in the early morning and drink my espresso out there.  So quiet, so peaceful.

Only, I wish more hummingbirds would come to my feeder.

(Ha, Ha, gotcha, not one sentence contained the A word!!)

A "visitor" in the shower!

Warning:  This post contains a multitude of the word - Alzheimer's.  Just sayin'.


There will be times when the A word will come up and I will have to do a post on it.  I have tried this past week to keep it light around here, but, the inevitable will happen and Alzheimer's will always find a way to ruin my day.

I called my mother Sunday, as I do every Sunday.  She has been telling me about her friend and her friend's husband.  She told me he had recently been diagnosed with dementia, earlier this year.  Unfortunately (?) he passed away last week.  As she was telling me this, I could only say, "Well, he was the lucky one."  My mother said, "What did you say?"  I told her again how lucky he was to go so quick, not suffer.  She was quiet for a moment, then said, "You know, you're right."

I know I'm right.  Anyone who lives and breathes this will understand.  Oh sure, you can come and visit or even on a good day, talk to husband on the phone and say, "Yes, he has gone downhill."  But, you don't live here and see what I see daily.

I explained to my mother how I wish that would happen to husband.  I watch him suffer so.  He can't walk anymore, he can't pronounce words anymore, mumbles a lot, he can't remember anything anymore. The tremors that continually wrack his body. You call this a life?  I would rather have him gone, physically as well as mentally.

He sleeps most days and, when awake, he is in a stupor.  He thinks he can do things he once did and when he can't,  the look in his eyes kill me.  The fear and the sadness.

I never, ever thought I would get to this point.  But, once again, Alzheimer's permeates my home and the very air I breathe.  No, I don't want him to die, but, at this stage in the disease, what's worse?

Last night, husband came to me.  He had a look that was different.  He told me he had taken a shower.  He said while he was in the shower, he felt someone else in the shower as well.  First of all, he is supposed to tell me when he wants to take a shower.  I have to make sure he doesn't fall.  He uses a shower seat, but, getting in and out can be tricky for him.

He said he felt someone was right beside him.  I asked him if it scared him.  He said no.  So, I said the first thing that came to my mind.  I said, "God sent your mama to watch over you."

Know what he said?  "Yes, I believe that.  I felt so close to God and my mom all of a sudden."

Are "they" coming for him?  Is this a sign?

When his physical body leaves this earth, and he sees the face of God, he will no longer struggle to walk, talk and remember.  He will have no tremors that wrack his body.  He will be at peace.  He will be so happy.  Why, oh why on earth would I not want that for him?

Lord, come quickly.

"Not quite a widow"

I had a pleasant weekend.  First for me in a long time.  Didn't do much, but it was still pleasant.

Saw our friend D at church yesterday.  He heads up the Pit Stop.  Every 3rd Saturday of the month D, along with about 25 other mechanics fix cars for single mothers and the elderly.  People who can't afford otherwise.  It's a great ministry.  Well, I asked him about husband's scooter chair.  It would not charge, so after calling the 800 number, they told me the charging system had gone out.  They also told me how much it would cost to replace this system.  So, this chair has sat in my dining room because I am unable to afford to fix it.  D said he would pick it up next Monday and fix it for husband.  That's the way he is.

My car has developed a slow, slight oil leak.  D said he would fix that as well, at the next Pit Stop.  Like I said, this ministry is for single parents and/or the elderly.  I am neither, but, D says  I still fit the bill.

We started a new series yesterday at church.  It's on Marriage.  The focus is to improve your relationship with your spouse.  This first week,  Pastor directed it at the husband's.  As he was giving the message, I found myself  comparing my marriage to "normal" marriages.  Yes, he does that, yes he does this, yes, he did forget our anniversary, no, he doesn't remember when my birthday is, no, he doesn't appreciate me,  no, he doesn't help me carry groceries in, no, he does not help me with house cleaning, no, he never surprises me with a dinner out, he does not bring me flowers.  I could go on and on.

As I sat there, looking at all the other wives as they glanced at their husband's,  I glanced at my husband.  There he was, nodding his head with "the look".

Today, I'm wondering where I fit in in all of this.  Yes, I'm married, but, I have no real husband.  Not really.  Is that why D at the Pit Stop does all my maintenance on my vehicle, even though I'm married?

I'm sad about that.  I really don't fit in.  I have no real partner anymore.  It's just me.  I do it all.  For him and for me.  There is no one at the end of the day that I can lean on.  Just me.

I'm kind of in a limbo here.  Not single, married, husband is alive, for now, but no husband to speak of.  I feel the need to have a name, a label, so to speak.

I think for now I shall be called, "Not quite a widow".

Gee, thanks God!!

Remember last month when I had to go in for my Mammogram?  Remember how I had caught that virus going around on the same day?   I was so miserable.

What I didn't say was what the tech had told me before I got the mammogram.  She was asking me all kinds of questions then said she was going to give me some statistics.  Because I know all about statistics, thanks to the A word,  I became somewhat alarmed.  She told me that 73% of women will be called back after a routine mammogram for a re-take or they saw something.  Only 27% of women are given an "all clear".

Ever since then, every time the phone would ring I would look at the caller ID and not want to see UNM Hospital.  I have been on pins and needles since, but, did start to relax this past week.

Well, folks, looks like I'm one of the 27%.  Yes, you heard me right.  Got a letter from the Hospital in the mail yesterday.  When I first opened it, all I saw in bold letters was the word Cancer.  I almost lost my breath.  Then, once I focused it said that nothing was found, non cancer.  Me, 4th Pew on the left, was given an "all clear".

Also in the mail was a package.  For me.  It was from a Coffee Brewing place I had gone to when visiting Tish, Jace & the kids before I stopped working to be home because of the A word.  I opened it and behold, there it was, some of the most delicious coffee I have ever tasted.  It was an early birthday present from her.  My daughter is one of the most thoughtful, beautiful, loving persons I know.

Imagine, me, sitting on the couch, a letter from UNM Hospital with an "all clear" in my left hand and in my right hand was this wonderful bag of coffee.  I lifted them both up and said, "Gee, thanks God."

I don't know why I was so scared about my mammogram.  Could be because I was sick and, how the tech was giving me these statistics.  Also, because of the A word.

Good things do come in small packages.  In the form of a letter and a bag of coffee!!!

Yesterday was a good day.

(On a roll here folks, I mentioned the A word here only 3 times. Well 4 times if you are counting this sentence.  Not bad.  Not bad at all.)

Day 2

Man, it's hot here.  Seems the older I get, the more I can't handle the heat.  I hope these high temperatures go down some.  It's never been this hot so early in June.  I like to walk in the morning.  Now, I make sure it's done earlier since it tends to heat up fast.  Fall, where are you?

With the summer season in full swing, there's not much on TV at night now.  Big Brother starts in about 3 weeks.  Not only do I watch the regular weekly shows, but, every night on Showtime (during the run of Big Brother) they go live inside the house for 3 hours.  It's called Big Brother After Dark.  Don't hate on me.  I love that show.

Storage Wars began a new season Tuesday night.  Hooked on that show.  A friend from church goes to auctions at storage facilities.  He has a partner, and together they bid on these units.  He says they do pretty good at finding stuff.  One of these days, I would love to go to one, and, if possible, bid on something.  So curious about what would be inside.  Of course, you've got to know what to look for.  My luck?  I'd throw away something that was worth millions.

During the day I don't watch much TV.  The only thing I like to watch is In Session.  They have some really good trials.  Of course, if it's boring I don't watch it.  If it's a good one, I set to record and watch back in the afternoon.  Sounds like there's a good one starting Monday.  Some of these trials can be so interesting.  

There is a christian thrift store I'd like to go to tomorrow.  Want to check it out.  I hear that this weekend is 30% off and they're cheap to begin with.  All I'm looking for is pictures with glass in them for my stained glass painting.  I'll try to sneak away alone.

Want to get that pool key this weekend also.  Been trying to get a hold of the lady that handles them, so far no luck.  Hope she's not on vacation.  

Folks, I'm trying to allow you a chance to get to know the real me.  When I read what I just posted, I'm actually sounding a little boring.  Trust me, I'm not, but sure looks like it on "paper".  Hey, I'm learning all about me too!!

(Day 2:  No mention of the A word.  Another yay for me.  No, let's do a hip hip hooray!!)

Yay for Me!!

I can tell this summer is going to be a hot one.  Thank goodness our new house has AC instead of the old swamp coolers.  Of course, when I get my power bill the middle of this month, will let you know just how much I enjoy the AC.  Actually though,  I have it set to come on at 78 degrees, so, should not be too bad.  Patrick has AC, and, he said that his bill is not high at all, as long as you keep it set on 1 temperature.  Keeping my fingers crossed and waiting for the bill to come in.

With this heat coming in so soon, I want to buy a key to our pool.  It is for residents only, but, you have to buy a key for it.  The pool is so nice.  They have "Adult Hours", so, am looking forward to some time spent by the pool.  I'll get some quiet time, cool off and try to relax.

I have been doing a lot of stained glass paintings.   I completed one for my bathroom, completed one for my bedroom window, completed one for Susie, working on one for Christine and Marie, starting one for Tish and designing one for Anne.  I have some scrap wood and am wanting to take it over to my friend so he can cut the wood down for me to make frames.  I did frame the one for the bathroom and it looks beautiful.

I never did make any for the Arts & Crafts because I ran out of time.  Next year!!  Actually, if I get enough made up, I'd like to advertise and have a sale.  See if I can start selling them.  The ones I've completed have turned out pretty darn nice.  Self teaching myself on how to shade and blend colors.  It's so much fun and helps me to relax.

I don't have a printer, so, I go to my friends house and use her's to print off free patterns for stained glass painting.  Jokingly told Tish that I would love a printer for my birthday.  Dropping hints like crazy whenever I see one of the kids.  Mom needs a printer!!

Staying busy, doing something I enjoy so much and trying to stay out of the heat!!!  So far, so good.

(can ya'll actually believe I posted and not one word about confusion, memory loss, wanderings, eye movement, seizures, Dr appts, walking issues, walkers, wheelchairs, getting lost, terminal, dying and that ugly, ugly word Alzheimer's?)


Yay for me!!

Gonna miss you

Husband and I had  conversation yesterday.  Not a real deep conversation, but a conversation all the same.  One of the reasons why I don't like to have a conversation with him is the way his eyes look now.  How can I explain it?  His eyes are rounder now, bigger it seems to me, and the eyeballs look as if they are floating in this new bigger, roundness.  They are so different, each eyeball.  I just don't like looking at them.  It scares me and makes me uncomfortable.  When anyone asks me about husband, my mind goes immediately to his eyes.  Not his memory loss or the mere fact that he is terminal.  It's always about the eyes.

I don't know what it has to do with Alzheimer's.  We see Dr A next month.  I think I'm going to ask him why the eyes change.  It's a very dramatic change.

Going to wait for our appointment and talk to the Dr about having a nurse come in.  I think it's time, just to have someone professional check on him.  I don't know what signs to look for, other than seizure activity, so it would be nice to have someone else look at him.

Because he is terminal, we only see Dr A every 6 months.  I'd like to have more visits with the Dr, but Dr A says that it is not necessary.  Dr A says that in the latter to final stages, you will see dramatic changes within a 6 month period.  Because husband is so confused most of the time, when we see the Dr next month, I know there will be a significant change.

What they do when we see the Dr is ask him questions, like where are we, what floor are we on, what day of the week is it, what year is it, and then they have him draw a specific item.  It's always a clock, and he asks husband to draw the hands to say a certain time.  Husband has never been able to draw that clock.  He has to draw other things, in which he cannot do.  Being that he can no longer hold a pen or pencil, I am anxious for this visit.

Time seems to be going by so very fast.  Too fast.

All too soon, it will be Fall.  With Fall comes time for Jack to leave the nest.  I asked him if he would miss me.

He replied, "Oh yes, I'm really gonna miss you Mom, but, it's gonna be so neat for me."

Yes, it will be neat.  But I'm sure gonna miss him.

Nothing to offer

There are days I have nothing to post about.  Like today and yesterday.  I think I'm boring some with the same words, same everything.  "Husband continues to decline", or, "Husband has been confused for several days now."

But, this is my life right now.  It's not filled with happy family gatherings, or, summer vacations, or happy outings, or any "normal" events happening in one's life.

My life is consumed with this horrible disease that is robbing my husband of his very life.  This disease has robbed us of everything.  The life we had and the life we envisioned once the kids were grown and gone.

Well, the youngest is leaving in September.  All those plans we had will not be realized.  Ever.  At least, not with husband.

I am not looking forward to Jack leaving, but, crazy as it sounds, I am excited for him too.

Yesterday afternoon, I got to thinking.  "Where will I be a year from now?"  The thought scared me.

How will I be able to support myself?  Where will I live?  Could I afford to continue to live here, the place I love so much?  Will I be lonely?  Will sadness consume me?

I'm a survivor, I know that.  But, I'm also human with real fears like everyone else.

Today, I don't know where I'm at.  All I know is I think this blog is boring and wish I could offer you, my readers, more.

Unfortunately, this is all I have to offer.

God knows!!!

Weekend has been so so.  Husband will be fine one minute, then, off we go into another dimension.  This has to be hard on him.  I don't know.  Maybe he realizes it?  Maybe he doesn't.  It's hard to tell.

I have been very nervous, since, oh let's see, last week.  I feel the tension in my whole body.  

He asked me yesterday when I was going to do laundry again.  I do the laundry every Monday.  I reminded him of it then he said he had no clean clothes.  I thought that was impossible.  I looked in his dresser and found all his T-shirts neatly folded.  Showed him where his clothes were.  He said I had to have done the laundry then, because they weren't there in the morning.  ((Sigh.))

Because we are home most of the time, I cancelled our cell phone services.  No use paying for phones we don't use.  We have a house phone, good enough for me.  After we moved, husband found his cell phone and put it away.  Last night, he asked me what I did with our cell phones.  Trying to convince him that he put it away somewhere was impossible.  He insisted I did something with them.   Would not let up on that one. 

((Another.....Sigh)).

It's usually when I finally sit down to relax, watch some TV or  do some of my stained glass paintings.  It's like, "OK, she's trying to relax, let's go get her," kind of way.  It just won't let up.

There is no end to this disease it seems.

I know it's not really husband anymore.  This monster has taken over his mind and body.   Destroying it.  I get it.  But, when I hear him coming down the hallway, shuffling, holding on to the walker for dear life, I immediately tense up, waiting and watching for signs of complete confusion.  

When I look at him sleeping, I feel pity and resentment towards him.  It's not his fault.  But, I can't help my feelings either.  Then I feel guilty for feeling the way I do.  

I woke up full of resentment this morning.  Dreading the time when he wakes up and goes into his own world.  Questions, confusion, wandering the house.  I hate it all!!

I had to take Kristen to work early this morning.  Driving home, I turned on the radio.  A song came on I hadn't heard in years.  I felt a sudden warmness and calmness surround me.  I felt God was right with me.

Name of the song?

Bridge Over Troubled Waters.

((Sigh)),  Thank You Lord.  

Fly me to the moon!!

My friend had asked me to help her with her yard sale yesterday.  She is elderly and a widow.  I said yes of course, would get me out of the house.  She then suggested I bring husband to get him out of the house too.  Uh, that wasn't what I meant, but, I took him anyway.

She had a lot of tools.  Nice stuff.  Husband was interested in the power washer.  Bugged me all day to buy it for him.  Being that  (1)  It was brand new and she wanted $50 for it, the answer was no.  (2)  We don't need it,  (3)  It would never be used  and  (4)  We don't need it.

Did I also mention, we don't need it?

He was not happy about it, and, showed it.

My friend lives under the flight path for all airplanes coming and going.  I can't tell you how many times I watched those planes take off and fly directly over my head that I didn't wish I was on that plane.

As I watched one plane fly out, it was heading West.  It's going to LA, oh, how I wish I was on that plane.  Husband said, "What did you say?"

I had not realized I had thought out loud.  Whoops.  He could not understand why I would want to be on that plane alone.

I can!!