Missing

I borrowed a neighbor/friend's pool key and went to the pool yesterday.  Marie came with the kids.  We had a nice time.  The pool was so refreshing.

I had a relatively nice day yesterday.

Husband spent the day with his dad.  I actually had the sensation of relaxing moments.

Husband shaved yesterday morning.  When he was leaving with his dad, I noticed a few areas where he had missed.  Didn't say anything, just noticed.  Another little perk of this disease.  Very sloppy shave.  He used to be so meticulous about shaving.  Not anymore.  Another slap in my face.

Funny how I notice the "little" things he has lost.  Also, it affects me more than the big things.  Why?  Don't know.  So many things we take for granted, until it is taken away, I guess.  Like, shaving.  Very simple.  Now, he cannot do that anymore.

Father in law mentioned it when he dropped husband off.  Told me I will have to start shaving him, or, at least help him shave.  Husband stood there with a blank look in his eyes, as if we were speaking another language.  And smiled that haunted smile of his now.  Oh, how I hate that smile.

Husband continues to be in a constant state of confusion.  For the most part, he is pleasant, but I do not like this new phase.  It's kind of like a drunken stupor.  It hasn't let up in I think, 10 days?  Usually, his memory will come and go.  Not so this time.  Maybe it will come back?  Just like everything else,  I have no idea.

Is he "gone" for good now?  Is it that time?  Just when I think he's "gone", somehow, someway, he makes it back to the here and now.  He's a fighter, that's for sure.

Last night, sitting on the couch, I was missing my husband.  I was missing spending time watching TV with him.  Went into the bedroom, there he was, sitting on the bed, looked up at me and for an instant, there was no recognition of me in his eyes.  Blank.  He looked at me as if to say, "Why, hello there".  In a flash, it was gone, and he went back to staring at the TV.

Today, this morning, I miss my husband.