Defeated

Husband continues to be in his own world.  He slept most of the day yesterday.  I wanted him to go outside and roll around in his scooter chair.  He looked at me as if I were crazy.  Went to bed and slept instead.

He ate a good dinner, then, back to bed.  He talked a little bit, during dinner, but, that was it.

The past several days he has asked me to help him get dressed.  He has forgotten how to put on clothes now.  His socks he puts on himself, but, the heel part are on the top of his feet, instead of his heel.  His underwear, he tries to put on backwards.  Shirts?  Backwards.  Pants are another thing.  I now assist him in getting dressed.

His legs have become very stiff.  Each night now, I pull the bed covers back, he sits down on the bed and I have to lift his legs up on the bed.  He can no longer do that either.  He is still obsessed with the bed covers. Says I have changed the way I make the bed.  That's why he says he has trouble getting into bed.  I just agree, no use in arguing over it.

I read about this.  I read that they will need help in getting dressed.  They will need assistance with everything.  I read it, knew it would happen.  It just seemed so far off.  Well, it's here.  That time has come.  I'm sad about that.  Not, cry your heart out, kind of sad, just sad at all that's been lost.  He's so helpless now.

As I was lifting his legs into bed last night, I looked at him.  He was looking up at me.  I smiled at him.  His eyes looked so sad.  He did not smile back.  He's lost.

In a way, after all he fought, I think he has given up.  Or, Alzheimer's has completely taken over now.  What I saw in his eyes was defeat last night.  It's over.

Alzheimer's may have won the battle, but it can't erase the memories I have.  I have no husband anymore.

That part of my life is over.