Spin Cycle

I like getting up early, before the sun comes up.  It's so quiet, peaceful.  The beginning of a new day.  That's when I do my thinking.  Planning my day, thinking up ways to keep me occupied, hoping husband will have a good day and sometimes thinking of the day before and how it went.  For a little while, I can be me.  I like that.  All too soon, husband wakes up and my day will be determined by how he is.  Sometimes good, sometimes not so good.  I wait for the other shoe to drop every day.  You just never know with husband and Alzheimer's.  Keeps you on your toes for sure.

Father in law came yesterday.  He liked the apt.  Said I made it warm and cozy.  Also said that in me describing it, he thought it would be really small and cramped.  Actually, it's small, but roomy.  Husband had a nice visit with his dad.  He seemed in better spirits after FIL left.

I got out my stained glass painting stuff also.  Last week, I put two of my paintings in the big living room window.  They look so pretty there when the sun comes through.  As I was walking up the path leading to our apt yesterday morning after taking the trash out, I looked at the paintings and thought, "Why, they look just like store bought stained glass."  So, I had one pattern I had outlined but never finished, so, I painted that and it looks so nice.

I went online and found a few more free patterns and printed those out.  I have some glass and am going to outline those today.  Outlining is tedious.  The hardest part of stained glass.  You have to have a steady hand.  Otherwise, it will come out curly and messy looking.  There have been days where I have had to re-do because of a not so steady hand.  Thanks, Alzheimer's.

It's keeps me busy.  I enjoy doing it.  As soon as I can, I want to post pictures of the apt and my stained glass paintings.  I just need to learn how to get them on here.  There are pictures from Jack's graduation I still want to post.  My laptop is old and oftentimes slow.  I want an IPad.  Yeah, OK, sure.  If I had an IPad, I'm sure it would be better.  Tyler said he would come by tomorrow, he knows how to do it.  Maybe he will show me how and you can see my pictures, finally.

Jack called on Sunday.  He is half way through tech school.  He said once he graduates, he will get a 14 day leave and come home.  Then?  Off to Germany.  He sounds so good.  We have great conversations.

Husband continues to be confused.  He has been a little depressed the last few days.  I try to lift his spirits, offering to take him outside when it is good weather, I suggest things he could do or show him stuff I've done.  Most of the time, he gives me that blank stare as if I am speaking a foreign language.  He just doesn't get it anymore.  His memory is worse this week than last week.  Yes, it's that pronounced.  It's so obvious now.

The worse for me is watching him spin in circles.  Granted, it's not a fast spin,  he doesn't move fast, but it's a spin.  I close my eyes when I witness that.  I don't like it.  I always imagine it's his brain on the spin cycle.  His poor brain.  When you look into his eyes, you can see the brain damage being done.  Trust me, it's not something I like to look at.  I try to avoid his eyes.  I don't want him to see my reaction.  Course, even if he did, I don't think it would register anymore with him.

I've also noticed the last several weeks, fleeting moments of him not recognizing me.  It's just a second or two, but, I've seen it.  I pray that doesn't happen.  I don't know what I'd do if he forgot me.

Like I said earlier, I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.