"Easy does it"

Took a few days off to gather my thoughts.  This new routine I've had to establish has been hard in some respects.  I've also had to find some bigger girl pants to wear each day.  I think I found them.

In this new routine, I now bathe husband every other day.  Yesterday was the "every other day".  Husband loved it.  While he lounges in the tub, I get out clean clothes and fresh diaper.  Then, I soap him down, rinse him off and  help him out of the tub.  I would shower him, but, he can't stand for very long and because he is in diapers now, well, I want to make sure he is clean, all over, if you know what I mean.

Getting him to sit in the tub is hard because his legs are so so stiff.   They remind me of wood.  He also can't follow directions well because his brain doesn't compute much anymore.  Once I get him down, he loves it.  Getting him back up is another ordeal.  Yesterday was better than Sunday.

I dry him off, powder him, put deodorant on and away we go to the bedroom to dress.  Ever try dressing an adult?  With stiff legs and a brain that doesn't work anymore?  He doesn't know his left from his right, so I tap the arm that needs to go into a shirt sleeve.  It takes a little longer for him to realize that the arm needs to go up and through the sleeve.

Once dressed, I fix his breakfast.  He eats, has his medication and goes back to bed.  He is now sleeping for about 5-7 hours each day.

Dr A said to not let him sleep so much during the day.  I followed his orders for months.  Since moving, and with this spiral into the unknown, it has caused him so much confusion and agitation, I said phooey to that, let him sleep.  He's more relaxed during sleep and wakes up in the afternoon in a calm state.  I'm all about keeping him calm.  Sometimes, you gotta do what you think is best.  Sleep for him is best.

While he is sleeping, I straighten up the apt, take the dog out for walks, do some stained glass painting and, if there is a good trial on Tru TV, I watch that.  Actually, I'm in the middle of a good trial now.  Very interesting.

Once husband is awake, I make him a snack, we do some small talk that consists of me answering his questions over and over, then, he goes back to bed to lay down.  He watches some TV.

This is my life now.  I like routine.  It's good for me.  It's good for husband.  I need this kind of order in my life.  I also have found that the more there is routine for husband, the less confusion he has.

A little glimpse into my life.  Not that exciting, but, if husband has a good day, then I know I've accomplished what I set out to do when I woke in the morning.

Why does he have to suffer?  Why do I have to care for a husband like an infant?  Why is there a heaviness in my chest?  Why doe he have to die?

I don't know.  I only know that God is here with me, each and every day.  While I care for husband, I feel God close to me.  He's real, He's there.  When I have to lift husband out of the tub, I feel God close.  I can almost hear Him saying to me, "There, there, easy does it."