Say nothing

I took husband outside for some fresh air yesterday.  The weather may have been hot, but, on our porch it is so shady and cool.  The thunder heads were beginning to build up, the sun going in and out of the clouds.

As he sat there, staring into space, people would walk by, look at him.   His eyes continued to be blank.  Not a blink.  Just that wild, big eyed blank stare.  Some looked at him with curiosity, others, a little on the disgust side.  Maybe they thought he was drunk?  I don't know.  I didn't bother to ask.

There were a few little girls, going to the pool.  They looked at husband.  As they saw what he looked like now, they pedaled their bikes faster by us.  Some boys came by, older, around 10-12 yr olds.  They would look at husband and give a snort.  As if mocking him.  By his appearance now.

I wanted to tell them not to be afraid.  He was once a very nice man.  He loved his family.  He will not hurt you.  I wanted to tell the boys not to laugh at husband.  He is a very sick man.

I did none of the above.  I smiled at the children.  All the while, my heart hurt.

At one time, husband looked at me and said, in his garbled way of talking, "You do such a nice job in caring for the backyard.  The grass looks great."  I said a simple "thank you" and did not have the heart to tell him that this wasn't our backyard, it was the grounds of an apartment complex.  No use anyway.  He doesn't understand what an apartment complex is.

When I took him inside, I had him lie down on his bed.  I began to read.  After about 30 minutes or so, I went to check on him.  I didn't know if he was asleep or awake, but, his eyes were rolling in the back of his head, with his hands moving about on his chest.  I got right in front of his face and moved my hands in front of him.  Nothing.  No reaction, no response.

His mother used to do the same thing.  At the end. 

At 4 AM, I was jarred awake by husband.  He had soiled his diaper and was wandering the house looking for me. When I say wandering, I mean, he held onto walls and furniture to shuffled around.  It took me until 5 AM to clean him up and get him back to bed.   A chair in the living room had been turned over.

Today, I am in a somber mood.  I know the end is coming.  But, who am I kidding?  This could go on for months.  I hope not.  For his sake, I hope not.

Later this morning, I will take husband outside again.  For fresh air.  He likes that.  I think.

The children may come by again.  On their way to the pool.  The little girls will go by quickly, glancing at husband.   The boys will look at husband and mock him.

What will I say?  What can I say? 

I probably will choose to say nothing.