Seasons of Life

Yesterday was quiet.  Got husband up, bathed, shaved, dressed and fed him breakfast.  He did not eat much.  He looked so tired, so, I suggested he go lay back down.  I was washing his sheets from the previous night, and just pulled the blanket over the mattress so he could lay down.

He slept for 6 hours.  And, I let him sleep.  Sometimes you just have to let your gut guide you.  He must've needed it. 

Husband has been in this new state for several days now.  He doesn't really quite know where he is at or what he is doing.  I will find him in the hallway, just standing there.  I ask him if he needs the bathroom, or wants to come into the living room.  It takes several minutes for him to reply.  I can hardly understand him.

Got him settled in bed last night, turned on his TV.  A while later, he called for me and asked me to change the channel.  When I went in, he said, "I can't remember how to use the remote.  And, I can't see it anyways."

Speaking of eyesight, that too is fading, fast.  His left eye is affected mostly, but, I've noticed the right eye as well.  It's probably only a matter of time before that one goes too.

Laying in his bed, he will glance at the TV, but, prefers to stare blankly up or towards the closet.  I often wonder what he is thinking, if he's thinking at all.

That leaves me plenty of time to think.  Plan.  And think some more.  I go outside, watch the birds and ducks.  I look up at the tall trees, talk to God, and, think some more.

I like it out on my porch.  It's cool, away from the hot sun.  There's usually a breeze.  Sometimes, though, neighbors will see me and want to visit.  There are times I don't want to visit.  I want to be alone.  Most of the time, they will ask if it's a good time to visit.  I am honest with them if it's not.  At least they respect me and will come later to see if I'm OK.

This life, my life, is not for the weak.  So, guess I'm not weak.  This disease and all that comes with it will either make me or break me. 

Husband has just woken up and of course, does not know where he is or what he should do.  He just told me that he cannot use the bathroom because there are people in there.

Yep, the start of another day.  A day in which I will care for husband like he is an infant.  Changing diapers, feeding, wiping drool from his mouth, assuring him there are no people in the bathroom, being his eyes, ears and translator.

The middle of summer now.  Fall will be here before you know it.  The weather will turn cool.  I will sit on my porch and watch the leaves die and blow away.

Just like husband, I will think.  He is dying and blowing further and further away from me. 

Ah, the Seasons of Life.

And to think, Fall used to be my favorite time of year.