Yay!

As I've mentioned before, Fall has always been my favorite time of year. Not so much anymore, but, I have to say, I am enjoying the cool mornings. It will get warm during the day, but when the sun sets, the cool comes back. Refreshing. Or could it be that I have accepted the fact that along with the flowers and trees, my husband will die?

When I look back to last year this time, I have changed. I am now more accepting of this disease, have learned to go with the flow. I can now recite statistics in my head, watch for signs of progression, swallow hard when those progressions happen, answer his many questions over and over without a flinch, all the while holding down the fort.

Not that I am super woman. I have my days, I have my moments. This year though, there has been a change in me. I feel an inner strength I always knew I had, but, needed to find it. I found it in God. He keeps me going.

Nothing got "fixed" yesterday. Yay.

Found out I don't have to purchase books for my Doula certification. Can check them out at the library. Another Yay. Thinkng alot about it this morning. Thinking this is a step in the right direction for me and my future. Who knows where this will take me? All I know is that I feel very strongly that this is what I was meant to do.

Husband is still sleeping, Jack has left for school. It's quiet here. Oh, how I love these quiet mornings. All too soon, he will be awake and the quiet of my morning will be screeching to a stop. I cherish while I can. My time.

Mr Fix-it

Had an interesting day yesterday. Husband puttered around in the garage. He wanted to make a bench. I let him stay there for most of the afternoon. That kept him away from the slding glass door he jammed up the night before. Happy to report, sliding door is fine now. It also gave me some alone time.

I will say though, this week, he has been on a "fix it" stage. Last night, the arm on Jack's glasses came off. Luckily, he saved the little screw. Husband fixed it, but not without a fight. Jack wanted to do it himself, husband insisted on doing it for him. Me? I was out in the living room, and as I heard them talking, I knew it would not be pretty. So, being the person that I am, I just turned the volume up on my TV.

It was one of those, "I just don't want to deal with it" kind of circumstances. My body said go help, my mind said, can't deal right now. Happily, the glasses got fixed, but not without a fight.

As I was doing dinner dishes last night, the garbage disposal decided to clog up. Glad it happened during "Fix-it" week, (yes, that was a sarcastic remark). Husband was watching me, I asked him to go get the plunger from the master bathroom. After what seemed like a long time, he came back with the plunger. I asked him what took so long. He said, "I forgot where the bathroom was." He stood over me, "guiding" me on how to un-clog the disposal. I tuned him out and un-clogged it myself. Later, I found him in the kitchen, looking down the drain and disposal. I told him to step away the from the sink. It was around that time that Jack's glasses broke, so, his attention turned to another "fix it".

As I was going to bed last night, I noticed the chain on our ceiling fan was broke off. I asked him about it. He said he tried to "fix it", but it broke. He looked up at the fan and said, "I'll check it out tomorrow". Uh, no, I said, leave it alone.

I am hoping for a day where nothing "breaks". I don't know what has prompted this. I have never seen this side of him before. It's absolutely hilarious if you ask me. Everything in my house is getting broken, but not by it's own. By husband. Have to watch him today. No more Mr Fix-it.

I know, I'll take him to his Dads' house. Let him "fix" his house!!!!

A Doula and a "Fix"

After doing some research and emailing Sunday & Monday, I got a response from the Doula Association. I have been invited to attend the classes on November 5 & 6. I am looking forward to that. The cost is $400, two weeks in advance, plus the books you have to buy. I don't have the money for that, but, will sign up anyway. Who knows? Putting my faith in God for the money, as I feel I have been led down this path.

The cost for hiring a Doula ranges, but it's substantial. It would mean I won't have to worry about money, well, if I get the clients that is. Don't know if I want to branch out on my own, or, work for an agency. If I work for an agency, then I have to pay them a percentage of what I earn. May go out on my own.

I feel good about this. It could mean I would have a life after husband passes. I could support myself. I will have my Widows' Pension, but, that's not enough to live on. Instead of moving in with one of my kids, I could live alone, take care of myself. Who knows? I believe a door has opened for me and maybe, just maybe, things will be better for me.

On the Dementia side, husband is so so. Last night, he was messing around with the sliding glass door. Said he was "fixing it". I told him it wasn't broke, to leave it alone. When I went to let the dogs out, I found out just what he was "fixing". He had locked the door from the bottom, the door was off the track, I could barely open it. The lock on the bottom of the door is so hard to unlock. Today, I will have to get it right. This is frustrating for me, as he does these "little things" alot. Crazy things, silly things. When I told him not to touch the door again, (sternly), he looked like a little boy pouting and said, "I didn't touch the door, I promise". I need to watch him more when he is trying to "fix" something that is not broke. Ugh.

There are times like these that I get so sad and frustrated. I don't like this. I hate it. I thought the days of watching and caring for children were gone. Now, I have a husband, a fully grown man, who I now have to watch like a hawk. I have to make sure he doesn't get into things, doesn't make a mess, doesn't get hurt, doesn't fall, doesn't get lost. Try telling a grown man, bigger than you, to behave, do not touch things, mind your manners.

Sometimes, when he has "fixed" something, he gets a sense that he can "fix" anything. He will go around the house looking for something else to "fix". The only thing needing "fixing" is him. And he can't be "fixed".

Crazy for normal

Whew, it's been a weekend. Glad to see a new week beginning. Spent most of Saturday morning at the hospital, visiting Summer and Jordan. Then, home for a shower, church and Kristen getting baptized. Came home, late dinner, vegged in front of the TV.

Now, back to "normal".

Husband is OK. Not good, not bad. His walking has become more unsteady. His feet are more floppy than usual. As I watched him walk yesterdy, it reminded me of when people wear the swim fins. His feet are just flopping as he walks now. Just as he was falling asleep last night, he jerked so hard he almost fell out of bed. Scared me. I asked if he was OK, mumbled something about his toe getting caught in the blanket. After that, there were more suttle jerks lasting about 30 minutes or so. This has been happening alot lately. Once he falls asleep, the jerking seems to stop. All part of the process.

Friday, when Summer was having Jordan, I got to be a normal person. I got to be with normal people. I got to have normal conversations. When I would talk to people, they listened, not with a blank stare, but listened and understood what I said. I can honestly say, I really enjoyed that. How I have missed that. I didn't realize how much until I was away from husband, that I crave having a conversation with normal people.

Then I come home and reality hits me smack in the face. I come home, excited about the birth, telling husband how good Summer did, how beautiful Jordan is. And I look at his face. Vacant stare. And it hits me. He doesn't understand anything I am saying. Back to my world.

Could it be that's why I talk my fool head off at the clerk in the grocery store? Could it be that I actually talk to telephone solicitors? I am so hungry for normal conversations, desperate even. I sometimes wonder what these people think of me. Must think I'm crazy. I am. Crazy for normal.

Maybe?

I had an experience Friday. Kristen's best friend, Summer, had told me she wanted me to be her birth coach. Friday morning at 6:45, we got the call. Off we went.

I gave her pointers, massaged her feet, legs, back and forehead. I put her in the tub, poured warm water all over her, talked to her, soothed her, told her how great she was doing. She had one child before, a girl, but chickened out at the last minute and got an epidural. This one, all she did was stare into my eyes as each contraction hit. She did everything I told her. I was so proud of her. She did it, au natural.

At 1:48 that afternoon, Jordan Joseph entered the world. What a sight, as he came out. He is beautiful, as expected. After all, her little girl is breathtaking beautiful. Jordan is no different.

When Tish had Leia, the nurses told me I should look into becoming a Doula. When Alex was born, they told me the same thing. On Friday, the staff at Presbyterian recommended I look into it. I told them I think I'm too old. Nonsense they said.

This morning, I am seriously thinking of doing something like this. The joy I felt when I had my kids, well, maybe I can share with other women. There is no other joy like that of giving birth. None.

Life after husband passes will be changed, forever. But, maybe I can change too. Maybe, just maybe, I can change too, like help a woman bring a child into the world with happiness, not just pain. Maybe God is leading me to this. All I know, today, is, I am going to look into it. Let's just hope it doesn't cost money. I don't have money to do that. Maybe I can make a difference in a womens' birth story.

As we were leaving the hospital Friday, Summers' mom gave me a big hug, cried and said, "Oh Sue, we couldn't have done this without you. Thank you, thank you".

So, welcome to the world, Jordan Joseph, and, maybe, just maybe, I have found my calling. I've always been a late bloomer.

Paper towels

Things seem OK in my little corner of the world here. Husband has had his moments where he "checks out", but, for the most part, has seemed OK the last few days.

I am so used to this roller coaster, that it now seems "normal" to me. I was thinking last night about a saying, "roll with the punches". It dawned on me that's what I do now. These "episodes" used to scare me. They don't anymore. If we go to that dark place, I take a deep breath, enter in and just go with it. I don't know how long I have to be there, but, I go anyways. Don't have a choice but to go. Whether I like it or not.

When people ask me how he is doing, I have to say not good. To me, it feels so negative, but he is not doing good. Then, I say that we have good days and bad days, that he may be having a good day when they ask. I always tell them I know I sound negative, hate that I sound negative, but, he won't get better, he won't be normal ever, he'll never come out of it.

When we lived in Fallbrook with my mom, she had some funny habits. For instance, she always put a paper towel on her end table in the living room. She had one on her nightstand in her bedroom also. I thought it was funny, as we had coasters, but, she did not use them.

Yesterday, as I was putting away laundry, I looked at husband's nightstand, and lo and behold, there were paper towels on the nightstand. It was neat and tidy. Everything in it's place. It took me back to about 2 years ago, when I was cleaning and dusting. I re-arranged the things on his nightstand. But, at the time, there were no paper towels there. He became so angry that I had re-arranged his stuff. Yesterday, as I was thinking about that, it finally made sense. He would forget where things were, so they had to stay in the same place at all times. It made me sad to think of the hell and confusion he had to be going through. But, paper towels? Don't know what the relation is, just know that my mom used to do the same thing. Funny.

My mind goes to alot of places nowadays. Some days I wake up and think about when he's gone. Where will I end up? Other days, I try to think back to when he was well. I can't remember alot of those days as this disease is so big, it consumes everything. Even me. It has a way of clouding the memory of the one not afflicted with it. Your whole life is centered around it. You live it and breathe it. It's always there.

and we're off

I come here early in the morning. My mind is fresh, my head is clear. Husband is still sleeping, so the course of my day has not been set yet. I never know what I am going to post about. I start out slow, then the mind and heart come together and the words just start to flow. (was that just a rhyme?)

It's good for me to post. I get it all out here. I express myself better here than I can talking it out. One day, when all of this crap is over with, I probably won't have anything more to say. A new chapter of my life will begin, and yet, will I continue to post? Don't know.

Husband had tremors yesterday. Kristen went to wake him up for dinner. When she came back into the kitchen, she told me, "Mom, his legs were vibrating". This is the first time she has seen the tremors. She said that scared her.

We see Dr Q on Dec 1st. Because Medicare will be in effect in December, I have chosen to follow Dr Q at his new practice. I like Dr A, but, feel more comfortable with Dr Q. He listens to me, knows that I am not dumb when it comes to this disease, that I have done my homework. Husband is looking forward to seeing him.

I saw a commercial yesterday about the same mood stabilizer husband is on. It said that patients with Dementia are at risk taking this drug. What? Husband has responded to it beautifully. My question is, how at risk is he, and, what more damage could it possibly do? Questions for Dr Q.

Husband is now up. I have answered the same question twice now. He seems OK, but quiet, a little confused. Don't know what today will bring. He doesn't understand much anymore. He will ask me the same question daily about finances. He thinks that when we get his SS Disability, it just sits in the bank. Try to explain to him that that's what I pay bills with. He just doesn't get it. After I explain to him, he says, "But, we get this money, it should still be there". Then, I explain again, and again, until I get so frustrated, he senses it. I try not to explain finances to him. I avoid the subject, or try to.

By the way husband is acting, I can see we are going to have a most interesting day. He's confused. He seems lost. So, here we go.....