A Doula and a "Fix"

After doing some research and emailing Sunday & Monday, I got a response from the Doula Association. I have been invited to attend the classes on November 5 & 6. I am looking forward to that. The cost is $400, two weeks in advance, plus the books you have to buy. I don't have the money for that, but, will sign up anyway. Who knows? Putting my faith in God for the money, as I feel I have been led down this path.

The cost for hiring a Doula ranges, but it's substantial. It would mean I won't have to worry about money, well, if I get the clients that is. Don't know if I want to branch out on my own, or, work for an agency. If I work for an agency, then I have to pay them a percentage of what I earn. May go out on my own.

I feel good about this. It could mean I would have a life after husband passes. I could support myself. I will have my Widows' Pension, but, that's not enough to live on. Instead of moving in with one of my kids, I could live alone, take care of myself. Who knows? I believe a door has opened for me and maybe, just maybe, things will be better for me.

On the Dementia side, husband is so so. Last night, he was messing around with the sliding glass door. Said he was "fixing it". I told him it wasn't broke, to leave it alone. When I went to let the dogs out, I found out just what he was "fixing". He had locked the door from the bottom, the door was off the track, I could barely open it. The lock on the bottom of the door is so hard to unlock. Today, I will have to get it right. This is frustrating for me, as he does these "little things" alot. Crazy things, silly things. When I told him not to touch the door again, (sternly), he looked like a little boy pouting and said, "I didn't touch the door, I promise". I need to watch him more when he is trying to "fix" something that is not broke. Ugh.

There are times like these that I get so sad and frustrated. I don't like this. I hate it. I thought the days of watching and caring for children were gone. Now, I have a husband, a fully grown man, who I now have to watch like a hawk. I have to make sure he doesn't get into things, doesn't make a mess, doesn't get hurt, doesn't fall, doesn't get lost. Try telling a grown man, bigger than you, to behave, do not touch things, mind your manners.

Sometimes, when he has "fixed" something, he gets a sense that he can "fix" anything. He will go around the house looking for something else to "fix". The only thing needing "fixing" is him. And he can't be "fixed".