Paper towels

Things seem OK in my little corner of the world here. Husband has had his moments where he "checks out", but, for the most part, has seemed OK the last few days.

I am so used to this roller coaster, that it now seems "normal" to me. I was thinking last night about a saying, "roll with the punches". It dawned on me that's what I do now. These "episodes" used to scare me. They don't anymore. If we go to that dark place, I take a deep breath, enter in and just go with it. I don't know how long I have to be there, but, I go anyways. Don't have a choice but to go. Whether I like it or not.

When people ask me how he is doing, I have to say not good. To me, it feels so negative, but he is not doing good. Then, I say that we have good days and bad days, that he may be having a good day when they ask. I always tell them I know I sound negative, hate that I sound negative, but, he won't get better, he won't be normal ever, he'll never come out of it.

When we lived in Fallbrook with my mom, she had some funny habits. For instance, she always put a paper towel on her end table in the living room. She had one on her nightstand in her bedroom also. I thought it was funny, as we had coasters, but, she did not use them.

Yesterday, as I was putting away laundry, I looked at husband's nightstand, and lo and behold, there were paper towels on the nightstand. It was neat and tidy. Everything in it's place. It took me back to about 2 years ago, when I was cleaning and dusting. I re-arranged the things on his nightstand. But, at the time, there were no paper towels there. He became so angry that I had re-arranged his stuff. Yesterday, as I was thinking about that, it finally made sense. He would forget where things were, so they had to stay in the same place at all times. It made me sad to think of the hell and confusion he had to be going through. But, paper towels? Don't know what the relation is, just know that my mom used to do the same thing. Funny.

My mind goes to alot of places nowadays. Some days I wake up and think about when he's gone. Where will I end up? Other days, I try to think back to when he was well. I can't remember alot of those days as this disease is so big, it consumes everything. Even me. It has a way of clouding the memory of the one not afflicted with it. Your whole life is centered around it. You live it and breathe it. It's always there.