Chosen One

Very low key day yesterday. Husband coughed all day long. Not much of an appetite. He is on day 3 of this virus, and after about 3 days, you do begin to feel better. It's very cold outside, so, will keep him inside today.

Not a whole lot going on. Memory issues are constant now. I tried to compare to just a month ago, and there is a huge difference. Cannot retain much anymore. When you speak to him, you can only speak in two to three word sentences. Otherwise, you lose him by word four. He just does not understand much anymore. I have noticed a big problem with his speech as well. He cannot pronounce some words, struggles, looks to me, then I fill in the blanks.

Since his memory is almost gone, he is so much easier to deal with. It may sound horrible to some, but, I believe the fight has gone out of him. He seems more at ease as well. He relies on me for everything. But, at the same time, seems more agreeable with anything I suggest. Double edged sword. We no longer have discussions. I make the decisions, he goes along with it.

I got to thinking about all of this last night. Where did I get this insight to watch for this, watch for that? Who taught me to notice these changes? Medical terminology rolls off my tongue, as if I specialized in the field of Dementia. Where did I get my license to practice?

I think it would come naturally to anyone. When you have a spouse or loved one walking this path, and you are the caregiver, you automatically become more aware of symptoms, sudden changes and the decline of one's mind. I surprise even myself sometimes. How can I know all of this?

There will be no reward at the end of this journey. In truth, I am leading my husband toward his death. I am caring for him as best I can, only to have him die in the end. There won't be a cure, there won't be a happy ending. He will never wake up and remember what he once was.

And, somehow, I'm OK with it all. No, I don't want to see him suffer, but he is. I know that I am caring for him in a most loving way. He knows I love him. God says I can do this, so, I do it.

Honestly? I feel special, having been chosen for this journey.