Flickerings

Husband took a fall last night. It was nasty. I heard it all the way into the kitchen. Tore through the living room, down the hall way and into the bedroom. There he was, struggling to get up. Everytime he falls, he says over and over, "I fell, I fell." It's almost like it's a surprise to him, like, "how could this happen to me?"

As I was browsing through previous posts, I noticed that I referenced "the look" alot. Then, early this morning, I realized "the look" is there all of the time now. When did this happen? I remember it being gone at times in December, but, what happened? And, when?

His eyes do not have a spark left. They are a blank stare now. His eyes used to be so full of life. They look dead to me. Even when he laughs, the eyes remain the same.

The stages of this disease can fool you. It reminds me of a light bulb beginning to burn out. It will flicker, giving you the impression that it's still working. You may have weeks of flickering, but, then, all of a sudden, out it goes, for good. I don't know about you, but, when it finally goes out, I am always surprised. Kind of like husband. When he loses something, I am always surprised. Even though he's been "flickering" for some time, why does it surprise me when it finally goes?

We met our new landlord yesterday. He tried to engage husband in conversation. Of course, he couldn't and finally glanced at me with this, "What's wrong with him?", kind of look. I told him on the phone several times that husband was disabled. Guess I should've said not just in body, but mind as well.

We are hoping to move by the 3rd of March. Let's hope the tenant in there moves soon. He has been told that she is moving. Moving may be a good thing. So many memories in this house, I'd like to forget some of them. Fresh start, new house and God Willing, new job.

The house came by so easily. Actually, stumbled on it. I love this new place. Now, if only I could say that about a job.