The unthinkable happened yesterday. My husband did not recognize me. We all laughed about it at the time, but, deep down inside of me, I shuddered.
Tish was over. We were all sitting on the couch, visiting. Husband came into the living room, looked straight at me and said, "Where's my wife?" I looked up at him and said, "I am your wife." It took him a moment, then he said, "Oh, there you are."
What a scary feeling. Is this a preview of things to come? Is he really not going to know who I am? The thought haunted me the rest of the day.
Husband has seemed to soften his anger. Replaced is this utter, complete, "can't remember anything" mood. Some days are better than others. Or, shall I say, some minutes are better than others. One moment, he's "with it", the next moment, he will go off the deep end. The hardest part is, he doesn't even remember he's been "with it", or "not with it". Does that make sense? Nothing with this disease makes sense. It's one surprise after another.
The other day, he forgot how to put a belt on. Yesterday, he put his belt on. It's this constant in and out that will drive me nuts. One day, he's got it, the next, it's gone. The next day, he's got it, and so on.
Jack seems to take it all in stride, but, I wonder how he feels when he closes his eyes at night. Does he worry? Does he long for the dad he once knew? Is he thinking about his chances of him being affected with it as well?
I ask him, he says no, but, I wonder.
Spring is coming. Along with spring is our wedding anniversary at the end of this month. So many years. Of course, we will not celebrate it anymore. Just another day. I will remind him what day it is, he will not retain it anyways. So, I will remember for the two of us. The day we got married. The weather, the funny things that happened, the people, the "looking forward to a long and happy life together."
Well, we all know now that that "long and happy life together" has come to an end. There is no future left for us. This is our future.
I found your blog by accident more than a few months ago and have been following faithfully since. I can't imagine walking in your shoes. You face so much everyday. I feel especially sad to know you're anniversary is coming and hear your feelings (which are justified) on it. Even though you have no plans to celebrate it, I hope you find a way to commemorate it in some special way - special to you. In the years you've been given, you have been faithful. You have been loving. You have children who live on to reflect your love together. I pray right now that God will give you the gift of commemorating your beautiful marriage (in God's eyes!), in spite of the forces that exist to destroy that beauty. I will pray you experience a deep, steadfast, joy in the midst of your heartrending journey.
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