Holiday Weekend?

I had to stop myself all weekend to remember it was a holiday weekend.  Didn't feel any different to me.  Because of husband's inability to walk and his inability to think anymore, we don't go many places.  And, it got to me this weekend.  That, and his sudden decline into madness.  Actually, everything got to me this weekend.

Mostly, the unfairness of it all.

Because of husband's mental condition now, I think it's scaring the dogs.  They have been clinging to me for days on end.  Where ever I go, they go.  I would sit on the couch, close my eyes for a second, open them, and, there they both were.  Staring at me.  They follow me every where.

Jack has been so upset by husband's total breakdown.  I talked to him, told him to understand that his dad is gone, it's not him anymore.  He said he understood, but, you could see the hurt and frustration on his face.  Told him I loved him, he said he loved me too.  He has been staying close to me as well.

I'm scared.  I have to go through this.  I have no place to hide.  My life has become one of hell and madness.  And, it's on my shoulders to make sure everyone is happy and cared for.

But, it got to me last night.  I sat on the couch and cried.  Of course, the dogs were right there.  I felt as if I might suffocate.  It all hit me at once.  "Leave me alone",  I said to the dogs.  The hurt look in their eyes made me cry more.

I want to run away.

They say after a good cry you feel better.  Get it out, "they" say.  "They" should put in a disclaimer.  Unless your husband is suffering with Early Onset Alzheimer's that is.  Unless.

I got up this morning to find husband getting dressed.  Once he was dressed, he got back into bed and fell asleep.  He has his shoes on as well.

Today, I want it all to go away.