To place or not to place

Yesterday went a little smoother than Sunday, but, husband is still locked in that place they call Alzheimer's.  He makes no sense, does not hear right anymore, or, it's just that his brain cannot compute what he is hearing.

When I talk to him, I now have to speak slowly.  And even then, I have to repeat myself several times over in order for him to understand.

I kept the car yesterday.  I had to get out.  I knew I was on the verge.  Kristen didn't have to be at work until 11:30, so off I went.  I went to an Arts & Craft store, looked around, got some ideas.  Went to Lowe's, browsed around there.  It was what I needed.  I was gone for about 1 1/2 hours.  I drove home slowly, delaying and dreading my arrival at home.

Husband was very quiet and kept giving me dirty looks.  In my mind I was thinking if he starts in on me again, well, shoot, I'll just leave again.  Of course, he didn't.  I did take him for a drive in the afternoon.  He liked that. While I was driving, I would glance at husband and observe him looking around.  There was absolutely no recognition of where we were at.

I don't know where we are going at this stage.  All I know is the damage done to him is overwhelming to me.  I kept thinking last night of what to do with him when he gets so bad, (as if this isn't bad enough?) and, I can no longer control him.  Do I put him in a nursing home?  What would he think, if he does understand?  Would he hate me?  What about the cost?  Could I do this?

When I think about this, the thought of him being gone from the house and in a home brings somewhat of a relief to me.  I can't help it.  Would I be failing him if I do this?  I promised him a long time ago I would never put him in a home, but, that was on the Day of Diagnosis.  This is today, 2 years later.  A lot has changed in the last 2 years.  I also have to think of me at this point.  Gosh, when I say that, I feel so selfish and self centered.  I'm not that way at all, but, I have to think of me as well.

Has anyone else gone through this?  I know I'm not alone but I feel alone in my decision.  I think it would be best to place him.  When I say it, I want to cry.  Some may think I'm washing my hands of him.  Not so.  I would visit him every day.  Then, I think, would they care for him the way I do?

Once again, I didn't ask for any of this.  I hate it all.  Everything about this disease.  And decisions.  Who thought I was so smart that I could make life or death decisions?  Who, I ask?   Who thinks I'm so strong that I can handle anything that comes my way?    Certainly not me.