Shrinking

I think I'm on Day 3 of my laptop holding this charge.  Hope it holds out until I can get it fixed.  Or, I find hidden money and buy a new one.  What are the odds?

Husband is so-so.  He goes in and out of reality.  Slept a few hours yesterday.  Woke up and was restless the rest of the day.  He did not make and re-make the bed.  He did, however, get in the closet, but didn't pull everything out like he usually does.

He told me he wants to go see his dad today.  I said OK, not really wanting to go out, it's so cold.  Then, he said, "If I go, do you think "he" will be OK?"  I asked who?  He looked at me sideways, motioned for the closet and said, "Him".

I have decided to go along with this now.  So, I told him the "man" would be fine here.

Reminds me of when my Marie was little.  She had two imaginary friends named Cindy and Sandy.  I played along with her about them.  Here I am, some years later, going along with the "man" thing, only it's not a child I'm dealing with.  It's my husband.

To him, the "man" is real.  Before, I would try to explain to him that the "man" was not real.  It only upset and confused him further.  Since I've been going along with it, he seems less confused.

If you can't beat em', join em'.

Oh, I don't like this stage.  It's very scary.  I know it's only going to get worse from here on out.  I don't think I'm ready for that.  I think about it, but then, knowing what I know about the final stage, I go somewhere else in my mind.  I don't want to deal with it.  I'm putting off what I already know will happen.  And I just cannot go there, yet.  Give me a few minutes to saturate all of this.

In our 3 year journey, I have been prepared for everything.  I have taken it all in stride.  Dealt with it.  Didn't shrink away from it.  

But this?  I just cannot go there.  Not yet.  It's too soon for me.  I need to prepare for the final battle.  I tell myself that every day.  I gear up for it.  I tell myself I am strong, I can handle it.  I'll get through it.

Then, husband wakes up and asks me where the "man" is.  He tells me the "man" is wearing his clothes.  He tells me the "man" is bugging him.  He says the "man" is watching him all the time.

As I stand there listening to him, my mind closes.  I don't hear him anymore.  I don't want to hear this.  It scares me.  I feel so alone.  I want my mommy.  I want to run away.

I've got to get strong.  He needs me.  He depends on me.  I can't find my "big girl pants".

For the first time in my life, I feel like a shrinking violet.  Wilting from too much sun.  No water.  I need life breathed into me.

Someone, please find my "big girl pants", please.