The "loudness" of it all

I was supposed to go in to the office again to fill in.  However, it started snowing last night, and, by this morning, the roads were snow packed and icy.  No way was I going to even attempt it.  So, here I am, snug and warm in my little apartment.  Luckily, my old boss understood.  Hated to let her down, but, I don't do well in snow and ice.

And, my laptop is holding a charge!  So, here I am.  Don't know how much longer I can keep monkeying around with this before it goes completely out, but, I'll take it for now.  I don't have money in my budget to get a new laptop.

Husband has not been doing well.  He has developed these little quirks and some really odd behavior.  Watching him makes me jittery.  He has become obsessed with making the bed again.  He goes through a ritual every night now.  I get him into bed, he gets out and makes it, over and over.  It's maddening to watch this.

He also re-arranges our closet.  Every.  Single.  Afternoon.  He will pull everything out and put it back in the same place.  We're talking about 2-3 hours!  Oy.  I don't go in there to stop him.  I let him do his thing.  The sad part is, I can see the struggle his brain is going through.  It's so jumbled up in there, I think he's trying to re-arrange, thinking it will help his brain.  Trouble is, he doesn't re-arrange, just moves it all out and puts it all back.

The "Man" is back.  He now talks to "him".  It's not talk you can understand, just a lot of mumbling, but, I can hear him doing this.  He has been angry at me since Friday night.  I think he's scared.

I am taking him in for his Psychiatric Evaluation next Monday.  I am going to ask for a stronger mood stabilizer.  The one he takes does no good anymore.  Or at least, up the dose.

This whole weekend was not good.  I've watched him struggle.  I hate this.  This dread in my chest does not go away.  It's a constant reminder of what is happening.  I get up each morning and look at husband.  There he is, sound asleep, eyes squinted shut.  I think of the battle going on inside his brain.  I can almost hear it.  So quiet, it's loud.

I know, sounds crazy, huh?  To me, it makes sense.  The struggle, the heartbreak, the falling down, the talking to a "man" that isn't there, the total memory lapse, the eyes, the everything.

Sometimes, it's all too much for me to bear.