Finding smiles

And the dog days of summer begin.  Even if it's not summer yet, I feel it.  I am tired today.  I am frustrated today.  Husband was not great yesterday, but, not good either.

He got me up 2 times in the night.  The 1st time, there he was, trying to pull the covers off the bed again.  I was having none of it.  I told him sternly, "Do not do this again."  Got him settled in bed.  Fell instantly back to sleep, only to be jarred awake 1 1/2 hours later with him turning on the bedroom light,  waking me instantly and practically blinding me.

This time, I was not so nice.  I told him if he did this again,  I was going to be very angry.  That, somehow, always seems to work.  He looked up at me and said, "Why are you so mad?"  I told him again, "I mean it.  Do not do this again.  Night time is for sleeping, and you will go back to sleep.  Do you hear me?"

I know he can't help it, but, I have to take control when needed.  I have to put my foot down.  These sleepless nights are draining me. 

I actually hate it when the sun goes down nowadays.  I know he suffers from Sundowners, (don't need a diagnosis for that, it's obvious) and it can be daunting, but, somehow, someway, I have to get through to him that there is nothing to be afraid of, and night time is for sleeping.  Period.

Who's da boss?  Me, dats who!

I hate being this way.  I hate waking up in the morning feeling angry and frustrated.  Almost to the point of resenting husband.  He's sick and dying, and here I am saying "Or poor me".

Hate is a strong word.  Lately, that's all I've been feeling.  Hating everything around me.  Hating this city, hating my life, hating the days, hating the nights and hating my apartment.

And, hating Alzheimer's.  Just saying the word makes me want to spit hot nails out of my mouth.

No, it's not a good morning for me.  I can't show my frustration in front of husband.  I've got to dig deep today.  Find a smile as I bathe him.  Find a smile as I dress him.  I think I can do it.  I'm a really good actress.

So, excuse me if you will, I've got to go find some smiles.